Watch the clip, enjoy it deeply, and know that I love you all but I’m too busy to play ball right now.

Famous means well known. Everybody knows KingKong, this is what famous is all about – well known. I know what you are thinking but Jay Chow is not famous. Here are some categories of famous:

Not Famous At All – This is the most bottom level of fame, in other word no one knows you because you are NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. For example, people like you and me and the bangla who works in Jusco. We work our ass off from 9am-6pm, we curse when we pay tolls, we think twice before buying anything worth more than 100 bucks,  save up for Ah Yat Abalone, worry about phone bill and a zillion other things that make you NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. But look on the bright side, everyone starts from this level. Don’t believe? Look at David Blaine, sure magic may seem a little bit dorky but most chicks are easily impressed.  You do a couple of cheap tricks, fly a little bit, eat a couple of coins and you’ll advance to the next level.

Quite Famous – Not very famous and not very well known worldwide. For example, Ah Niu and the dude who sings “Negara Kuku”. You still make money but your position is pretty shaky and you have a very high chance to be NOT FAMOUS AT ALL again. You can still get drunk and rape a clown who possessed by the devil but people will still say “eh..you look quite familiar leh”. Increasing your fame is extremely important if you wanna go to the next level. To do that, you need to be featured in Berita Terkini, the 8 o clock news or the newspaper, provided if they have nothing to publish and you can get to the studio in fifteen minutes.

Famous – People like Michelle Yeoh, Fish Leung and Lee Chong Wei. These are the people who work their ass all the way from NOT FAMOUS AT ALL to QUITE FAMOUS and now FAMOUS. They do things that they like and make fame and fortune like a rap star. Then they get famous for writing music, acting or swinging the racket and if you are lucky enough, you might get Datokship as well.

Sibeh Famous – Brad Pitt, Britney Spear, Pamela Anderson. They make money like crazy, big houses, big cars, everything is big and luxury and they are on the front page all the time. Take one quick look at Leonardo Di Carpio and then start quantifying your envy of his exotic cars, unmitigated fame and super model consorts. This is a very competitive level and like relationship there’s a strong one and a weak one, if you are not strong enough you will not be on the front page. Their goal is to be the strong one. To do that, walk the red carpet and make sure that everyone knows who’s the man by introducing yourself with a firm and swift punch to the cock.  Then you tell that motherfuxer that you get front page.  Only bitches get back page.

Sibeh Sibeh Famous – Edison Chen ( a very good example ). This is the level above all, everyone knows you, you are a legend. To earn this level of fame, you’ve really got to fux a lot of people’s life ( including yourself ). You get your name, pictures and videos in the tabloids.  Women hear the story and think, “Woww, he’s got such a short dick, I want him!!”. Men hear the story and think, “Damn, that short dick dude has got a cool list of chicks!”.

In my humble opinion, our government concept like “Vision 2020″ and “1Malaysia” is like the movie Terminator. They are different, for example Terminator1 was a bad ass – a killing machine, Terminator2 was way more bad ass and Terminator3 was just a complete dick. Actually, the one thing Terminator3 didn’t have was a dick.

Achieving 1Malaysia is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears, looks good without actually covering much and is far too easy to get around or remove completely.

Using only one bottle of Ridsect bug spray and a lighter, I once single-handedly defended a small village in Slovenia from a horde of ferocious army turtles.

I used to be a bank robber, yet I receive fan mail.

I play chess but I was scouted by Liverpool FC.

When I’m bored, I help the SWAT.

I have performed breast enlargement surgery. Women love me.

Years ago I met Kurt Cobain but forgot to record it down.

I have made extraordinary “Fatt Thiu Cheong” ( Buddha Jumps Over The Wall ) meal using only a toaster oven and my legs. But still, I don’t see how we can achieve 1Malaysia.

Read this somewhere, thought of sharing it with you guys on a boring Wednesday.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ’seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’ As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s toilet. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your bag hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom/toilets in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door!

I’m feeling kind of randomly crappy today, so I’m going to hit you up with some “facts bout me” and then I’m gonna bounce. This always happens with blogger, you know, you write plenty of shits and then you feel like writing some cool shits bout yourself, and all of the sudden you are hanging out with Jay Chow that is telling you stories about his day and pulling out his piano to show you a new song he wrote about his ex-girlfriend.

Fact: I was once interviewed for a job by a younger dude, totally younger than me. And not like I was born in August and he was born in September. No, like I was born at the end of Tun Hussein Onn’s era and he was born during Abdullah Badawi’s era. It was like a slap in the face with a 95 years old tits. I understand I was getting older and it comes to a point in my life where people around me are “younger”. I can’t run away from this, it’s a fact. I got the offer and rejected it.

Fact: I am a carnivore. I only eat meat and beef is my number 1 favorite. So if we run into each other on the street and you want to buy me a meal to show your unending gratitude for my verbosity, now you’ll know the types of places to take me that will most garner my favor. If you try to be funny and take me to a place where they only serve veges then I would have no choice but to tear your ass like roti canai. Think of your family. Write this down if you need to.

Fact: I get hundreds of spam emails everyday, especially from Nigeria. The last one I replied that I was extremely interested but that I had recently had a dispute with my bank and my access to my saving account was frozen. I would be more than willing to help them if they could send 1million to me to settle my bank issue. My record so far is stringing these guys along for 2 weeks. They finally give up frustrated. I actually had one of them write me back asking to be left alone and stop sending him emails.

Fact: I started off my early career as a techie. I was very much into Linux, building Linux boxes for customers. One day I got a phone call. It was one of my customers. He couldn’t log on to my Linux box. He told me he couldn’t see the login screen on the monitor. So I went over to his place to troubleshoot. I look under his desk. His PC is missing and he sat there typing away wondering why he couldn’t “log on”.

Everyone loves picking their nose.

Oh come on, don’t act like you don’t do this shit. When you got a gold hanging or stuck inside there, you dig it and even though it’s not as good as orgasm but it’s pretty close.

From my observation, most people love to do it when they are driving. I drive past people after people with a varying selection of fingers rammed up their ass nose. Some people love to dig it with their index finger, some people love to dig with their pinky for small shits that hide in the corner, some people dig with their middle finger and eat it, some people explore with their ring finger to create more dramatic effect and some people love picking with their thumbs.

Imagine you are digging while driving and the dude in front of you slams on emergency brake. Not pretty.

Imagine you are digging while driving and a cutie drives pass you and look at you. Not awesome.

You might want to see a doctor if you are digging it with two fingers. I’m not saying tumor or anything, but you might want to check it out.

Somewhere, a car door is slammed with a little more anger than usual. Today, the first week after new year is the day when everyone ventures back into the office and stares at their computer with hatred.

Today, in KL, Jordi is going to share his new year eve experience with his colleagues about his new year guests who started the midnight countdown at 10,000.

In Johor, Julian just realized he’s at a bad New Year’s Eve Party, it’s January 5th.

In Kuching, Thomas heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.

And in Klang, my hair is still falling out and I am still unable to do simple math without using my fingers.

Everywhere across our country, our people are sad, angry and depressed and they have every right to be. Welcome back my friends.

p/s: To those who SMSed me wishing me dreams come true, good health, good fortune, wishing me all the best for 2010, God bless me, new wealth, new strength, new hopes, prosperous 2010 and shits like that, thank you very much. But I shit you not with all these, I wish you fux more, lotsa beers, sex, orgasms and win the fuxing jackpot.

p/p/s: There is no winner for my New Year Mini-CONtest, it was meant to be a con. I will keep all these 10 virgin turtles safely in the aquarium till next year.

Today is New Year eve and tomorrow is New Year, thus I give you this, for the first time, a mini-contest.

Referring to the below picture, come up with your best title. For example, “The Incredible Giraffe”.

Winners will be rewarded with one year supply of virgin turtles.

Happy New Year people, hope you enjoy your New Year Eve  and New Year, get drunk and get laid.

Listen, I realize ladies shouldn’t talk about their bathroom business, but I have a serious confession to make.

I have sinus.

Yah no big deal. I always get running nose when the weather changes or smell something bad.

Like donkey.

It’s a fuxing curse. Consider yourself a lucky son of a bitch if you never get sinus. So naturally I don’t think anything when my nose starts running, I just kind of deal with it like I always have.

My Dad has sinus too and he went for an operation before but it came back after few years. So I guess Mr. Sinus is pretty nasty. Life isn’t always beautiful and joyful, every now and again you are bound to get sick and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I’m sure even Jay Chou gets sick and he won’t even sign autograph for you.

But when I’m sick, I do get a bit fussy. I can be pretty short with people when I have running nose, so if you need to ask me for money, wait until my white blood cells have won the war- that way I can think of some lame excuse instead of hitting you.

I’m not afraid of much but when I was small, there is one thing that scares the shit out of me everytime I think about it. I know that it’s something I will probably have to face in about 15 or 20 years and I am hoping by that time, I will have accepted it. You know what I am talking about.

Dentist.

When was the last time you went to the dentist?

Personally, I have not seen this dude for almost 20 years. No shit. I think I’m the only person I know who hasn’t been to the dentist for decades. I remember when I was small, going to the dentist is like a nitemare. It was so fuxing painful. All the pain, the blood and biting on some bandage for days. Let’s just say it sux.

I am not afraid of dentist but I think I have a pretty OK teeth so that explains the long absence UNTIL recently I found 2 small cavities on my front teeth. It looks so fuxing ugly. I know I have to get it fixed no matter what.

So I went to the dentist after so long and I gotta admit there have been a massive improvements in dentistry over the years. I don’t feel pain at all. I’ve even joked about it with my doctor “I thought this is supposed to be painful? Look! I’m not crying!” as he was fixing my teeth with some forks and spoons. The most notable moment would be when his assistant plugged in 2 special devices into my mouth. One looks like a cucumber which she uses it to spray water and the other one looks like a vacuum cleaner. I have to open my mouth so wide like I was blowing 2 black cocks at the same time. Awful.

Can’t scientists come up with a non-invasive way of doing this? Like a super glue or something fun and simple like that? Now I already know what girls are going to start thinking here. That I am overly paranoid about this. That I shouldn’t be whining because they have to get their cookies examined every year. Listen up girls, I’m going to see the dentist again! First week of January!

Now tell me, who’s your daddy?!

Hey Santa! I am so excited now, tomorrow is Christmas!

So what’s up Santa? Have not seen you for a year, things must be tough. Anyway, just a quick update, I wanted to let you know that I have been a very good boy this year. I didn’t look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and I helped those who are in need. Some king just died and his cousin needed my help and promised to repay me half a million dollars for my bank account information, which I sent of course, because I’m not an idiot. But just how the hell am I supposed to contact him now?

I heard he’s in Nigeria.

Well Santa, I must say I was very disappointed last Christmas. Dude, I was hoping for a million dollar and a naked Angelina Jolie but I ended up with some cards and weird pills. But no worries dude, last year has been pretty good from the point of view of having people to bounce things off and just as importantly have fun with. As a consequence I have been thinking about this very new Christmas wish.

1. I still want a naked Angelina Jolie

2. and my one fuxing million dollar, IN CASH! UK POUND!

3. I can’t figure out what I wanna buy now. All you have to do is email me your name and credit card info. I’ll figure out from there.

4. I heard Facebook is cool but how does it interact with Japanese schoolgirls? Send me a manual please or I’ll poke you in Facebook! 300 times!

5. A new Michael Jackson song.

6. A one-on-one dead match cage fight with Bruce Lee. I’ll show him who’s the daddy.

7. My fart smells like Hugo Boss perfume.

8. World peace – Jay Chou stops singing like a chicken.

9. Forrest Gump 2

10. I wish I could write funny blog, make everyone laugh and love it. Not in a gay way.

So there you go Santa, that pretty much summarises my Christmas wish for now. See ya tomorrow, peace out.

Have you seen the movie Storm Riders 2? Me and my friends have been bitching bout this movie the whole week and if you have seen this movie, there is this character known as Lord Wicked ( refer to image below ).

Some brief introduction bout this dude, “Lord Wicked is the eldest disciple of the King of Knives and the Piggy King. He is a reclusive and renowned martial arts master who broke his arms in order to relieve himself from evil power. Wind and Cloud seek his help to improve their skills”.

So you see, he is not a very nice guy. But one question comes to our mind.

“How he wiped his shit?”.

No offence to handicap people, but this dude has no hands so how is he gonna wipe his shit after taking a dump?

I am confused.

What can I say about this movie. It looks like a very special continual episode of Storm Rider 1 where Wind and Cloud combine together and everyone kung-fu fights to a nasty ruler. If you haven’t watch this movie, let me tell you what it is all about.

1) The story line is completely fuxed up ( Storm Rider 1 is so much better ).

2) The director tries to make it looks like the movie “300″ but failed miserably. Conclusion: I don’t technically know the director but I think he is generally a nifty person who drinks many beers.

3) Too many computer graphics and no original fighting scene.

4) The acting sux to the max. Look at Charlene Choi, she looks like she’s auditioning for a porn movie.

5) The whole show is about Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok posing, seriously. Yes, this is a gay pose story and this is definitely a must watch for all Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok.

If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor, go watch Rocket Singh and fux Storm Riders2. A good laugh is always needed in these troubled times.

Facebook status:

Marcus Teng: feels sorry for AssAnal & Arsene Wanker, YNWA!!

Carlos Ng: lol.. im sorry for LeaveA-Puss too. hehe ^^

Marcus Teng: it doesn’t rhyme man, check this out …AssAnal and Arsene Wanker

Jordi ???: I felt sorry for all MAN UTD fan also…..

<Sensitive Fan>:  i feel sorry for liverFOOL as the foolish fan too

Jordi ???: wow, that hurt….

<Sensitive Fan>: it’s been several times i saw his post talk about ARSENAL. can he spell it right???

Marcus Teng: u mean ASSANAL and ARSENE WANKER?

<Sensitive Fan>: WHAT EVA…..

Marcus Teng: man, there are really some sensitive football fans out there.

Jordi ???: arsenal , assenal or assanal , its the same… You can’t win the league with kids… : P

<Sensitive Fan>: yeah, what about liverfool, fool, foolish and carlos was right, LeaveA-Puss

Jordi ???: I love the fools…. they will win the league next year (as quote every season)

Marcus Teng: 18 League Titles,5 European Cups,7 FA Cups,7 League Cups,3 UEFA Cups,3 European Super Cups,15 Charity Shields,3 FA Youth Cups.

To AssAnal Fans: start talking when you can win SOMETHING, or at least lay your hand on the Holy Grail.

Jordi ???: Ouch! that sting!!!!

<Sensitive Fan>: may i ask you something, which team is AssAnal??? is it in the league???

Marcus Teng: well anyway, actually this post was intended for some really CLOSE FRIENDS who are arsenal fans, it didnt mean to be a sensitive post. I think all my friends got it, this is just a usual teasing-around whenever our favourite team play against each other.

Marcus Teng: mat kelakar la ini budak, terus remove friend lol. dont play with assanal fans.

And he removed me after that, conclusion is “Don’t Mess With Sensitive Football fans”.

Hey people! Zzup…I’m hypnotyzin’ dese clowns wen dey see me 20 ft abve da ground, And u in a coma, ain’t comin up out dat, cuz nigga diz iz C-town.

Yeah, okay, I have no idea what the fux I just said up there, I think it’s some kinda rap lyric. Seriously. Anyway, I’m going out of town tomorrow to somewhere not too far far away from the galaxy. Look at the picture below, and if you could figure out where and what are those cats doing, drop me a mail and I’ll buy you a cat beer there.