Do you guys listen to Biz FM? 89.9 yah. Well I do, almost every weekdays when I am driving to work and getting back home from work.

I’m not too worried about the quality of the music. Since I mostly listen to noise, metal, rock, the occasional double bass drum, siren, explosion, grinding metal and screaming only accentuate the already apparent awesomeness of what I’m burning holes in my ear drums with. I’m really beginning to like this radio station. Not only do I like their approach to business interviews, but that was the most straight forward, unintentionally entertaining, non-bullshit radio station I’ve EVER heard. I mean, yeah, it was dippy radio stuff, but seriously, can you imagine any other main stream radio station allowing their program hosts to represent the mothership without the message first passing through a legion of marketing directors, lawyers and various haircuts in suits? Hell no! So this radio station is really cool. They’ve got cool programs and I especially love “Life’s A Pitch” and “Thank Friday It’s Football”. But, you all know me, I never stop complaining.

The Morning Run

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe this program has the most listener due to it’s strategically airing time. Sometimes I really wonder if we, Malaysians and in Malaysia, is it so difficult to find a good and professional radio host/interviewer? Khoo Hsu Chuang has this very bad habit. The regular usage of “errmm…”, “uhhhh….” etc in his speech. I’m not saying that he is not good, he is very resourceful and knowledgeable but this program is related to business and professionals. If they wanna move forward to be one of the best radio station, they need to have a good line up. You don’t play an unproven 15 year old kid in the Barcelona squad against Manchester United in the Champions League Final.

David Chew is awesome. He doesn’t talk too much but he keeps it short and simple. Noelle Lim talks like a jet but she has got the balls.

Evening Edition

Caroline Oh is perfect for this program. She has a very cheerful and friendly character. And the dude with her, I think his name is Umar or something. Is he fuxing high on steroid? I think he talks more than anyone in this program when the one being interviewed should be talking. He is a lousy interviewer. He can make one simple question to be incredibly and ridiculously long. For example, if you would like to know someone’s name, you ask “What is your name?”. Period. As simple as that. But this dude can go as long as “I understand that you have a father and a mother. They were married in 1945 and you were born 3 years after that. And I also believe, you were born in Kuching. And adding to that, I also believe that your parents gave you a name. So what exactly is your name?”. And adding misery to this program, he likes to interrupt the conversation. Out of no where, when people are talking, be it his colleague or the guest, he will jump in with questions. To further strengthen his “professionalism”, he actually doesn’t know how to pronounce the guest’s name. I’m not in this industry but I believe, with respect, an interviewer should be doing his/her homework before the interview such as the guest’s name (and how to pronounce it), profile and etc. Seriously, leave it Caroline. She’s doing an amazing job.

No smoking when shitting – CHECKED

No smoking after meal – CHECKED

No smoking while drinking – CHECKED

No smoking during mamak session – CHECKED

No smoking after coffee – CHECKED

No smoking when driving (even in traffic jam) – CHECKED

I basically nailed this shit – for one week already.

Holy fuxing shit! I haven’t update this shit for 3months!

1. Do not give indication when you are trying to maneuver to the left or right, just turn whenever you feel like it and do not worry about others for they have the psychic ability to read your mind. If possible uninstall the signal light at all cost. The turn signal was invented for no reason. Do not use it.

2. Drive below 60kmph on highway fast lane. You are just abiding to the law, do not bother those behind you even if they are high beaming or horning you. Wind down the window and flip them the infamous bird. If you are the one driving behind, please proceed to tips no 5.

3. Always remember, the yellow color on the traffic light means you should “SPEED THE FUX UP” before it turns red. And even if it turns RED, proceed to “SPEED THE FUX UP x2″.

4. Install UFO headlights. Super bright headlights, you know the ones, the kind that UFOs use as landing lights. The ones that have roughly the same candle watt power as the Sun. Headlights that can burn out your retinas. These things are so bright Schumacher would jump up from the back seat and say “What the fux just passed us?!?!”. Yeah, those headlights.

5. Drive as near as possible, preferably, accurately, 0.01cm behind their bumper. One tap of brakes and it could be over for them. Or you. But don’t worry, insurance has it covered.

6. If someone is at a red light and it turns green, and they don’t move immediately, do not tolerate. Horn the shit out of that motherfuxer. To add extra spice to the drama, get out from your car and smash the shit out of his vehicle, flipping the bird at the same time.

7. If you’re in the left hand turn lane and you are on the right at the traffic light, you now have all the excuses to floor it and cut off oncoming traffic. Always refer to point no1.

8. If someone tries to get into the highway and with their blinker on, DO NOT GIVE WAY at all cost. Speed up instead of slow down. If they show you a weird expression, flip them the bird.

9. If you are the victim of point no 8, do everything possible to make his/her driving experience awful until you both go your seperate ways. One good example would be to overtake him/her and flip him/her the bird. It’s all about the bird.

10. Get ahead of someone in the fast lane on the highway, then just goes off the speed limit. 60kmph would be perfect. It’s the fuxing fast lane, speeders only. Do not get the fuck over even if you can’t handle speeding. Flip them the bird whenever necessary.

11. When there is a long que at the traffic light you need to show them who’s the daddy. When it turns green, skip the cue, speed up x100, go as far as possible then cut in and get mad if anyone decides not to let you in. If they give you the look “You’re an asshole,” which may be true- but flip them the bird anyway. Fux the cue, who cares if they are in the waiting line.

According to Wikipedia:

Earth Hour is a global event organized by WWF (World Wide Fund for Nature, also known as World Wildlife Fund) and is held on the last Saturday of March annually, asking households and businesses to turn off their non-essential lights and other electrical appliances for one hour to raise awareness towards the need to take action on climate change. Earth Hour was conceived by WWF and The Sydney Morning Herald in 2007, when 2.2 million residents of Sydney participated by turning off all non-essential lights.[1] Following Sydney’s lead, many other cities around the world adopted the event in 2008.[2][3] Earth Hour 2011 took place on March 26, 2011 from 8:30 p.m. to 9:30 p.m., at participants’ local time.

I’ve always wanted to write bout this shit, this shit that claims to raise awareness towards the need to take action on climate change. And I must say, this is extremely stupid. The idea to turn off lights and other electrical shits for one fuxing hour is not gonna save this fuxing planet and I believe that it is still ecologically unsound. The greatest pressing threat to mother earth or climate change as you claimed, is not the fuxing light or electrical appliances, is the humans.

Yes humans. You and me.

We humans are major threat to climate change or whatever shits you called it. Humans are responsible for every fuxing horrible thing that happens here on earth. Just look around you, you’ll find plenty of em.

Oh wait, somebody just turned off the light! Fux!

Sometimes, there are drawbacks to being an ordinary, nice dude.

For example, you go to a club and meet a stranger who, without warning, and for some weird reason, begins to rave and gibber at you about how everyone’s out to get her, how her 1 million Ferrari was too slow, how her boyfriend cums too fast, how her neighbor called her a whore and wants to kick her ass for no apparent reason, how she was once a super diva like Mariah Carey, how she met Keanu Reeves and had a one nite stand,  how she spent all day in the hot sun selling flowers on the street, how expensive is her branded clothes, how Bill Gates wrote her a pissy email about how he couldn’t install MovieMaker, how she wrote a song about how sad she is, how awesome she is by having 9 billions friend on Facebook, blah blah blah and shits until you want to take her by the shoulders, shake her as hard as you possibly can, and scream at the top of your lungs, “LISTEN HERE, BITCH. YOUR LIFE IS PATHETIC AND YOU’RE A FUXING BITCH. THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD BE MORE OF A FLAPPING VAGINA IS IF YOU HAD A TAMPON EMBEDDED IN YOUR CANDY ASS FACE!! THAT’S RITE MOTHERFUXER, DON’T YOU MESS WITH ME OR I’LL TURN YOU INTO AN EVIL CELLPHONES LIKE IN THOSE JAPANESE HORROR MOVIE! FUCK YOU BIATCHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

But we are all nice dudes and instead we say things like, “Wowww…really?”, “Ahhhh…that’s bad”, “Ohhh no, you gotta be kidding me!”. See what I mean it sux being a nice dude?

Next Monday – Tuesday = Singapore

Tuesday – Wednesday = Mumbai

Wednesday – Saturday = Dehli

Back on Saturday nite.

Next next Monday – Thursday = Thailand

Back to back trip.

January = Hawaii

February = New Zealand

Just uploaded my Hong Kong trip photos on Facebook.

NOTE: To enhance the frightening mood of this post, please pretend that I’m holding a flashlight under my chin. I’d suggest everyone start looking for some weapons and if your relatives start acting weird, you’re gonna have to put em down. And also, pretend there’s some creepy music playing, like those in the movie. Something with lots of bass and maybe an organ.

Two friends were driving back from Terrenganu to KL using coastal road around 3 in the morning. You know coastal road, narrow, long road with plenty of trees on both sides. It was very dark the road was deserted, not another car in sight. Probably because it was 3 in the morning.

Suddenly, on the left side of the road they were driving on one of them saw a lady.

Dude 1: Dude, you saw that?

Driving Dude: ermm…yah.

Dude 1: Think we should stop, she looks like she had an accident or something.

Driving Dude: Ok then.

Driving Dude slowed down his car and drove towards the lady.

She had a long hair, her face was pale and she was wearing a blue jeans and a white T-shirt.

Dude 1 wind down the window.

Dude 1: Dik you ok ker? ( Kid, you ok?).

Dude 1 could see her cheeks, mouth, nose and face but no expression.

She did not move at all, not even a single step or movement. The only expression was a stone cold stare standing perfectly still. She did not reply and hopped into the back of the car.

As soon as she hopped into the car, they could smell something funny. It smells entirely and unrelentingly like dead fish but with perfume.

Dude 1: Dik nak pergi mana? (Kid, where do you wanna go?).

She did not reply.

Both dudes looked at each other, speechless but they know what was going on. *We are in deep shit*.

Dude 1: err…Dik, dari mana ni? nak gi mana? (Kid, where are you from and where do you wanna go?”.

And again, she did not reply.

Just as they were about to cross the bridge, Driving Dude stopped the car, looked at Dude 1 and Driving Dude’s silent message was delivered immediately. They both ran out of the car and sprinted across the bridge, leaving the lady and the car behind.

After couple hours of  smoking and “cooling” down, they decided to walk back to the car and check out the crime scene.

She was gone.

From the information they managed to gather from the villagers there, many have seen her. She was killed in a road accident there.

Man, you guys are really brave. You guys actually read through the whole story! Errmmm… will one of you come sleep over at my house tonite? Thanks!

The following story actually happened to one of my colleague’s friend in Australia. This is going to be beyond epic. There’s going to be movies made about this a hundred years from now (it’ll be a comedy/tragedy either way, or more probably both):

Let me give you a quick summary on the victim. Dude’s a white Australian but thinks he is a black. You know the “Yo”, the hand sign and the normal shake-a-booty gestures.

It was a Saturday night in a club. My colleague, the dude and some other friends were in the club drinking large quantities of alcohol. My colleague, knowing the dude’s proclivity towards unruly drunken behavior, caught him in a corner of the bar and got lucky with a chick. They were hugging, kissing and shits like that. Dude’s got lucky. Dude told my colleague he is heading back to the chick’s place. Though happy and excited at the time, it became the worst decision he has ever made in his life.

From there, dude got off with the chick to her place. Halfway through the action, things got kinda rough.

Chick: Do you like kinky sex?

Dude: Definitely!

Dude got on his four on the bed, doggie style, and the chick handcuffed both his hands. In the center of the room was a closet, the chick opened up the closet and some dude wearing Batman costume came out of it!

Let’s be clear about this: dude was handcuffed doggie style, another dude wearing Batman costume was hiding in the closet, ostensibly super hero, dude must have doggie styled there for a good three minutes, trying to let his brain catch up with his eyes. The rest is history, you guys know what happen next.

After fleeing from the crime scene, dude got to my colleague’s place and told him the story.

Colleague: So what you gonna do bout it?

Dude: I’m gonna fuxing report it to the authority!

Colleague: That you got raped by Batman?!

I’m sure dude will never watch Batman movie or cartoon the same anymore.

There I was sitting at Starbucks drinking my Mocha Fraps when a small girl, loud-mouthed and quarter of my size steps up next to me, grabs my bloody Mocha gulps it down in one swig. “So what you gonna do bout it big man?” she says, menacingly, as I burst into tears like a baby. And just before she left, she touches her nose with her thumb like Bruce Lee “Don’t mess with me!”.

The staff in Starbucks were kind enough to offer me another Mocha Fraps but I have to pay double the price for being such a cry baby. Just when I was about to sip my new mocha, they kicked me out from Starbucks. And keep my Mocha. Asshole.

I was late to a business meeting and it was then I saw Batman in his BatMobile. I asked him to ride me to the next 2 blocks but he replied without saying anything, only raising his middle finger.

I got home and I saw this long hair white figure standing in front of me. I took out the Bible and read John 3:16. I read it 14 times, each time with a different voice, gradually getting faster and faster. I ended up punching that white figure and later realized it was actually my mom. My mum kicked me out of the house.

So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a beer, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you, you jack ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about my shit, how’s your day going?

I did IT work for a company back when I was in my early employment stage. One day I got a phone call. It was one of the customers. He couldn’t log on.

“The box under my computer is missing.”

Ohh ok, probably some dudes snagged his UPS or his power strip and didn’t replace it. No biggie. I’ll buy a power strip and scoot on over.

I look under his desk.

His PC is missing.

The cords to his monitor, mouse, and keyboard were dangling in space and he sat there typing away wondering why he couldn’t “log on”.

I apologize for the nightmares dude and duchess, and general loss of sleep you’ll have from my story. Yes folks, these are the people in charge of our livelihood.

We’re fuxed.

I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD CUP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL SIT IN FRONT OF MY TV AND WAIT TILL THEY FUXING LIVE TELECAST THE MATCH!!!!!!!

So I was on the plane back to KL the other day and there was this hot Korean / Jap chick sitting next to me. I figure this out simply because of the movie subtitle she was watching, I don’t know if it’s Korean or Jap but it’s pretty much the same to me. I was on my iPod when I spotted she was watching Lost and it was then I approached her “You don’t wanna watch this when you are flying”. She just laughed and from my 32 years of socializing experience, I can tell she doesn’t understand a shit I was saying.

I don’t really watch Lost. I just don’t fuxing get it. I mean, come on man this is a show about people stranded on an island. Their plane got fuxed up and they were trapped on an island.

In present day.

This kinda shit doesn’t happen anymore. We have GPRS. I think, though I might be wrong, that if I got stranded on an island and I was wearing a tie, the first thing I would do (aside from crying like a bitch) is take my fuxing tie off.

Anyway, I didn’t get to taste Happy Pizza in Cambodia, the trip was way too short and rushy. And two days after that, I got down to Thailand and finally, I DID IT! ( look at the pics below and you’ll understand ).

I’m flying off to Cambodia tomorrow and after a series of conversation, and when I say “conversation” it means updating my status on Facebook and people commenting on it, I found something rather interesting about Cambodia.

The Happy Pizza.

I suppose you could make a case for me being all into boobies and pizzas but this pizza they are a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cheese and shits. Well, not so much of a mystery actually and there is a reason for the name “Happy Pizza”. And judging by my time spent with the word “Happy” in my life, I think it’s safe to say that this pizza is under the influence of a truly heroic amount of weed. Which I like to think is the main factor of the name “Happy Pizza”.

Pizza + Weed = Happy Pizza = Really Happy

Now let me go witness it, get happy and report it to you guys in the next post. Till then, let’s be happy.

I have a feeling Youtube will remove this video very soon. Enjoy while it’s still around, something that I captured during one of my adventure.