Thai keh ho boh? Chiak pah ber? Lim peh keh nit try yong Hokkien wueh lai blog, testing nia kuah song boh. Lu lang boh meng pek eh sai meng lim peh, lim peh ban ban kai sek hor lu thiah.

Lim peh em si Hokkien lang, lim peh si cantonese, tan si leh lim peh khiah na Pah Sang ( Klang ). Pah Sang lang 90% kong Hokkien wuey, lim peh Form1 kah eh hiau kong Hokkien wuey. An chua leh? Ying wei wah eh laubu si Ipoh lang lai eh, wah eh hamka sama si cantonese, nah chu pun si kong cantonese nia. Lim peh eh ki, wah eh peng yiu kar lim peh Hokkien wuey. Ee kah lim peh kong “Lancao” kah “Cibai” pao ai oh, basic lai eh. Lim peh em jai si hami lai eh mah, lim peh ki meng teacher lor “Cikgu hami si lancao? cibai si hami lai eh?”. Lim peh hor cikgu kan kah nalan eh ah! Hor chai boh thio rotan. Wah eh peng yiu chin chia steady! Na bu eh.

Lim peh kah lu lang kong, Pah Sang ( Klang ) chin chiah chueh pai kia. Sama kuah tai chueh HongKong “Young & Dangerous ( Ku Wak Chai )” liao, sama pun ai choh Chan Hou Nam. Ai chor char fit yan, ai chor taikor. Char lan meh, char neh neh koh kah song. Gong gong eh. Lim peh uu si ai chut ki pun kia, kia hor lang pah. Buta buta hor lang pah. Baru eh gina si peh hiong, tam poh tam poh pet chui liao, baru pet chui yong parang tou liao eh, lu boh kia ah? Lim peh kia kah nalan eh. Baru eh gina ah, chin chiah beh sai pio pio. Lu lang beh sai luan luan kuah ee lang, lu kuah kuah nia ho ee lang kan liao eh “siao kia! kuah lancao ah?!!”. Lu kah ee lang lansi, lu chiak parang tou liao la, lim peh kah lu komfom la, lu kuat thiah chiak 18 kee parang dou.

Ah ni wui hiam, chor mi wah ko nah Pah Sang leh? Haiyo brader kah sister, lim peh nah Pah Sang chin chia ku liao lor, uu 30 nee liao. Sibeh chuey peng yiu nah Pah Sang, sama steady eh. Lim peh chee geh leh pai boh chiak Bah Ku Teh beh ho seh ah. Pah Sang eh Bah Ku Teh si number one liao eh, boh thang fight la. Lu lang pat chiak ker Pah Sang eh Bah Ku Teh boh? Lu ai chiak Pah Sang eh Bah Ku Teh, lu call lim peh, lim peh chuah lu lang ki. Pao song eh lah, koh pee, koh chee, koh tuah liap ni.

Lim peh jai wah eh Hokkien boh hami chun boh hami standard, lim peh kong sorri seng. Lim peh kong hami lampa lu lang eh meng pek boh? Boh meng pek mien kin, eh sai meng lim peh. Ok lim peh mai kong liao, ai chor kang liao abo hor taukeh kan. Chin chiah pai miah ah.

We are back. By we I mean me. Hope everyone had a good weekend.

For many centuries, people have been predicting and talking about the end of the world. They talk about some giant ass rock hitting our planet, the armageddon war, aliens, Christ second coming and blah blah blah. What a bunch of pretentious bullshit that is. I don’t know if it’s true and I’m not in any position to judge BUT I do believe mankind is far too clever for it’s own good, and I believe that we’ll wipe ourselves off this world. This simply because we human always fux around with mother nature and technology.

And when all these shits happen, everyone is doomed except for one last survival species, the cockroaches. I have a full respect for them but not when they start to invade my house wearing a short black cocktail dress with wings. Last nite, I found one of them scuttling around the corners of the kitchen and bathroom. It was a smart cockroach. This fuxer seems somehow bigger than normal. It never venture into the light and flew when it feels the vibrations of a human approaching. I tried to kill it but it was too smart and good in hiding.

Now this is war!

This little fuxer is challenging my manhood and under no circumstances will I surrender without fighting till the last drop of my blood. It is a matter of life or death. That little fuxer knows what it did. That is the face of a cockroach that is silently saying goodbye to life, ever briefly regretting the chances it never took and the female cockroaches it never kissed.

Banzai!

Anyway, I came up with a plan. I decided to play the mind game and snipe the shit out of it. I lie behind my room’s door where I can actually see some potential hiding spots for that little fuxer. My plan is simple, wait for that fuxer to come out and when it comes out, chase it with my weapon and aerosol spray, kill it and game over. See below diagram for my masterpiece tactical plan.

I turn off all the lights and waited for about 30minutes before that fuxer came out. That fuxer just amble out into the open and sit there, as if to say “come and get me la!”. OK bitch, I will stab you with a broken Jack Daniels bottle. I have many broken Jack Daniels bottles at my disposal and I am not afraid to stick one of them in your sternum and twist until you make sounds like an eighteen-wheeler constructed from bone crashing into a circus. So I got up and tried to smash the little fuxer with my broken keyboard. As soon as I round the corner with the broken keyboard, that fuxer runs.

Chicken shit!

That fuxer can see that I’m holding a broken keyboard and understand what that means. Yah it means danger. I chased that fuxer and managed to corner him and give him a few good slaps. As soon as I did I heard a scuttling noise behind me. Two more big fat ass cockroaches had broken cover, and were making a run for the door. OMG! That fuxer has backup! I’m dead, it’s me alone against the three of them! I’ve never seen the big ones move so fast before. I slammed the floor and wall like a drunk squash player *BAM* *BAM* * BAM* and they were gone.

Victory!

Remember what I just wrote a minutes ago? About the last survival species. Oh yeah. That one I smashed a few times? That little fuxer was still alive this morning. As I walked in to brush my teeth, I saw he’d got about halfway across the floor, leaving a faint trail of goo as it went, vainly dragging itself along on it’s remaining legs. I smashed that fuxer again, wrapped it in toilet paper, made a small fire in the garden outside, and burnt it. Then, I scattered the ashes.

I have noticed all the cockroaches around my area have become larger and faster as well. It’s only a matter of time before these things figure out how to buy a penis enlargement pills, and when that happens, we’re finished.

Hold on a sec, I hear a strange, scuttling, boiling sound outside my door. I’ll be right back.

Apa khabar semua? Ada sihat? Dah makan ker? Hari ini saya ingin menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu / Malaysia, bahasa kebangsaan Malaysia. Kali terakhir saya menulis dalam Bahasa Melayu adalah semasa saya membuat laporan polis pasal kereta saya kena curi oleh bangsat pencuri yang tak belajar. Dan kali terakhir saya menulis karangan dalam Bahasa Melayu adalah semasa peperiksaan SPM dimana saya menulis karangan yang teramatnya lah hebat, markah pun ngam ngam jer lulus.

Bahasa Melayu ni senang jer nak belajar, tak macam bahasa Mat Salleh ada “present tense”, “past tense”, banyak sangat “tense”, “tension” kitaorang dibuatnya. Sebagai contohnya, “Aku nak berak”. Kalau ikut “past tense” dalam Bahasa Ingerris, kita sepatutnya letak perkataan tambahan “ed” diakhir perkataan itu “Semalam aku beraked”. Ini macam boleh kah? Dalam Bahasa Melayu tak payah susah susah nak “past tense”, “Semalam aku berak” dah cukup. Perkataan “berak” tu takyah nak di-past-tense-kan. Hebat kan? Satu lagi kelebihan Bahasa Melayu ialah ia boleh digabungkan dengan bahasa yang lain, macam cendol. Ia boleh digabungkan dengan Bahasa Ingerris, Bahasa Cina, Bahasa Tamil dan banyak lagi. Sebagai contohnya, “Dey macha! semalam you ada tengok itu bolasepak kah? Liverpool banyak keng hor?”.

Aku ingat lagi semasa belajar di Sekolah Menengah, masa tu takder lagi perkataan “Mat Rempit”. Kitorang biasa guna perkataan “Lepak”. Lepak tu maksudnya membuang masa ataupun meluangkan masa duduk atau membuat perkara yang tidak berfaedah. Kat sekolah kita lepak, lepas sekolah pun lepak, mana mana jer kitaorang pergi mesti lepak. Lepak kat bus stand, lepak kat McDonalds, lepak kat kompleks membeli belah, lepak kat studio, lepak kat Ahseng ABC, mana mana la janji lepak.

Selain dari menulis karangan, kitaorang berpantun juga. Pantun tu kira macam rap la, macam Eminem.

Lompat si katak lompat,
Lompatlah tinggi-tinggi,
Cepatlah adik cepat,
Cepat bangun pagi-pagi.

Lompat si katak lompat,
Lompatlah tinggi-tinggi,
Cepatlah adik cepat,
Cepat bangun pagi-pagi.

Dulu masa kecil kecil lagi aku dah pandai nyanyi, tiap tiap kali aku nyanyi mesti hujan. Sampai sekarang aku masih lagi ingat lagu ni, mari la nyanyi bersama sama:

Gelang, si paku gelang ( gelang! ),

Gelang, si rama rama,

Pulang, marilah pulang, marilah pulang bersama sama,

Pulang, marilah pulang, marilah pulang bersama sama.

Go laugh your ass out.

Kids are awesome but sometimes they can be very annoying. Imagine you are trying to catch a nice lunch and when you are about to plan on what to order, a kid jumps out and screams so loud that you go deaf for a full minute and your senses are all whacked out. And followed by a few more kids running around your table and all over the place.

Awesome.

My ex boss is a very nice guy, a very good father and husband. I mean, come on look around you, how many parents are actually spending quality time with their childrens? My ex boss can hold a pack of cigarettes while his son has a lighter in his hand. At least they’re spending quality time together. A lot of dads don’t make time to smoke with their kids.

So we have this reunion of sorts. Not like the Spice Girl reunion, but more of the reunion where you see your ex boss and colleagues after a long time. Only in this reunion the ex boss got fatter, a total whopping of 98374 kids and then ran over your foot with a freakin Transformer or they just slap you with their Batman. There were pizzas, chicken wings, games, swimming pools and poops everywhere. Kids don’t go toilet when they are having fun.

Me                    : *laughing like a lost ape and pointing at one of the poop on the floor* “HahahHAHA you think you can figure out who’s the owner?”.

Ex-Boss’s Wife : That’s not funny marc.

Me                    : “HAHAHahahaha it looks like my chocolate ice cream! HAHAhahahaaaa”

There are few words you don’t use when there are kids around, such as “ice creams”, “sweets”, “cookies” and “Transformer”. I’ve got proof if you want to see it, but be warned - the proof is horrible and there isn’t soap strong enough to wash away what you’ve seen.

As soon as I said “chocolate ice cream” a bunch of kids surrounded me and asked for that sweet chocolate ice cream.

“Uncle uncle! I want chocolate ice cream!”.

“Me too me too!!!!”.

“I also want!!!!”.

Ok great, now I’m going to be bad guy Joker and tell them I don’t have any chocolate ice cream and they’ll probably bang me with their BatMobile.

Me   : “errrm….guys, I don’t have any chocolate ice cream leh”.

Kid 1: “just now I heard you say chocolate ice cream one!”.

Kid 2: “Yalor yalor! You liar!”.

Kid 3: “Dunwan friend you liao!”.

Me   : Hey guys, come on. I was just referring that ice cream with something else, you know what I mean.

Kids don’t understand and when you fux with one of them, you fux with the entire group. In other word, you are fuxed. So they responded the only way possible - by kicking me in the shins, one by one. And throughout the rest of the party I was drinking and had some kids calling me “bad guy”, “liar” and I got hit in the head with a rubber ball roughly 24643 times.

I’m rich! I’m freaking rich!

I received an email this morning that said I had won some lottery! All I need to do is send them my personal information such as my Full Name, Address, social security number and bank account information!

I hate you spammers and hope you get the Ebola Virus.

I have to say that I don’t feel very good about writing this. It doesn’t bring me the same kind of pleasure that I do with the toilet bowl. It really doesn’t. I don’t know why, but for some reason I always have retarded friends around me and they always do retarded things especially on Monday morning. I guess Monday is really that bad.

Tsiu Weng says:
Glory glory arsenal

*Arsenal won the match against Manchester United last weekend and Tsiu Weng ( Donz ) is an Arsenal fan.*

marcusteng.com says:
lucky bastard

Tsiu Weng says:
lucky my ass

Tsiu Weng says:
Liverpool’s next biatch

marcusteng.com says:
yah liverpool the next team to pwn u

Tsiu Weng says:
the next slogan will be …. you’ll never walk alone with arsenal

Tsiu Weng says:
and the it will be … the special team, arsenal

Tsiu Weng says:
eat that you biatch

marcusteng.com says:
hahaha special team

marcusteng.com says:
dude, go check the table and see where are you guys la

Tsiu Weng says:
c where u’ll be when we’re finished with u guys

marcusteng.com says:
you mean when we finish you

Tsiu Weng says:
we’ll c

marcusteng.com says:
dont worry man, i hope you guys can play in EUFA Cup

marcusteng.com says:
at least

Tsiu Weng says:
haha … dun cry when we lift the CL throphy …

marcusteng.com says:
wahh not bad ah

marcusteng.com says:
won one game and now dreaming of wnning the CL

Tsiu Weng says:
erm … pls check your CL record season … and also check Arsenal’s CL record this season … oh … and check out the number of goals too …

marcusteng.com says:
wanna talk bout history ah now

marcusteng.com says:
history is damm subjective

marcusteng.com says:
1. look at how many CL we won

Tsiu Weng says:
I said THIS season

marcusteng.com says:
2. look at how many goals we conceeded

marcusteng.com says:
tiuu

marcusteng.com says:
this season same la

marcusteng.com says:
put it this way la

marcusteng.com says:
since u so confident, lets have a small bet

marcusteng.com says:
are you man enough?

Tsiu Weng says:
what’s the stakes

marcusteng.com says:
and dont give me bullshits tht u dont gamble and stuff

marcusteng.com says:
simple

marcusteng.com says:
IF arsenal can win anything this season, regardless of league cup, CL, FA Cup or anything

marcusteng.com says:
karaoke on me

marcusteng.com says:
if they cant win any shit, karaoke on u

Tsiu Weng says:
okok set

Tsiu Weng says:
dun tell me shit when u lose this bet

Tsiu Weng says:
I’m gonna have my free karaoke buffet

marcusteng.com says:
cool, im saving this log as evident

Tsiu Weng says:
me too

marcusteng.com says:
OK you’re activated

marcusteng.com says:
do you need to plan some saving now?

Tsiu Weng says:
u can post this conversation on the blog … then it will be evidence …

Tsiu Weng says:
gonna be getting my free karaoke buffet

marcusteng.com says:
thx man

marcusteng.com says:
i can sing, eat and drink for free

Tsiu Weng says:
You’ll never walk alone with arsenal, biatch

marcusteng.com says:
thts why walk together with our fans and not arsenal

marcusteng.com says:
if walk with arsenal we wont be winning any shits

Tsiu Weng says:
yea … try winning shit with old folks home

Tsiu Weng says:
there’s a reason to the term ‘young guns’

marcusteng.com says:
our oldest player is 28, do your research man

marcusteng.com says:
young guns tht cant fire

Tsiu Weng says:
wow … 28!!! so OLD

marcusteng.com says:
thts why assanal is trophyless for so many years

Tsiu Weng says:
we’ll c bout tht old man

Tsiu Weng says:
post it up on the blog … dun be a fuxer n say u never made this bet

marcusteng.com says:
sure bitch

Anyway, I think your Arsenal young guns spirit touch me right here [pointing to my dick], and I thank you for the free karaoke. Truly. It changes lives, Donz. Be proud. That being said, I would also like to point out that, should any of you Arsenal fans feel the need to kill me, drowning me in a large bottle of Jack Daniels would be my preferred method of murder. Sure it’d be terrifying and I’d die and all that but, hey, at least I’d get to have a little drink to take the edge off before my horrible, horrible death by drowning.

Let’s end this shit with some random pictures from my Paint Ball yesterday.

I know and I know, it was in the front page and almost everywhere. President Obama. So are we done yet? Great. Now that Obama has been elected president and Bush is throwing all the condoms in the White House in one last ditch effort to fux someone over, we can all get back to reality - it’s Friday! Don’t you just love Friday? Friday means happiness and Monday is sadness.

Beside Monday, going to the cinema alone is also sadness. Being single is also sadness. And when these two combine it’s ultimate sadness. Coming back from work yesterday, I was bored and needed to have some entertainment. So I called up some friends:

Me         : Dude, wanna catch a movie?

Friend 1 : I’m with my girl dude.

Sadness.

Me         : Dude, wanna catch a movie?

Friend 2 : Cant man, i’m eating out with my wife.

Pure sadness.

Me         : Dude, movie tonite?

Friend 3 : I’m with my girlfriend, you can join us for dinner if you want.

Extreme sadness and lost hope for all mankind.

So I browsed through cinema.com.my and checked for movies schedule and sure enough there was a Thai horror movie showing in 1 hour. Since I still have plenty of time and the cinema is near to my place, I decided to see the preview of the Thai horror movie I was about to see. It was pretty cool and it also has a great tag line like “investigation into unexplained cases”. Awesome. I hope it’s free ice cream at Baskin Robbins.

I drove to the cinema and purchased a single ticket and oh 1 large motherfuxing Coke and popcorn. Not many people on a Thursday evening show and it simply means Free Seating. I grabbed a center seat ( when I was supposed to be sitting at the side ) and enjoyed 1 1/2 hour of complete idiotic and boring movie. Forrest Gump said it best, “Cartoons are awesome.”

When the theater lights went up, I noticed there were about 8 or 9 of us. All dicks. All single. All going to a movie alone on a weekday’s night. Like me! We were like a small club and we had this unspoken bond. And I strongly believe this little club of us would be doing an initiation dance whenever we see things like “XXX is now single” pops out on our FaceBook. Welcome to our world bitches. Let’s all be unhappy together.

As I was walking towards the car park, I saw this other guy ( he was in the cinema too ) lighting up a cigarette. We made eye contact and I gave him a nod “I’m with you bro, I’m with ya”.

Some time ago, just another weekend drinking session at a bar.

Friend 1: Dude, look at the 3 chicks there.

It was at this point that I thought about getting some chloroform, putting it over those 3 chicks mouth and stuffing them in the trunk of my car.

Me        : Fuxing hot!
Friend 1: Alrite, Bravo2 is gonna engage the enemy.
Me        : Dude wait! Dude…..

And without much hesitation, he moonwalks over leaving me and another friend behind hoping that he’ll come back alive. May the force be with you Bravo2.

Me and another friend continue to drink and after about 10minutes.

Friend 2 : Wtf!

Me         : Wtf?

Friend 2 : I think we got a winner here. *pointing at Friend 1*

I turn my head over to Friend 1. Friend 1 is hugging and dancing with all 3 chicks simultaneously. What?! For real?! I have an enormous grin plastered to my face, me and Friend 2 toss up two double thumbs up.

Friend 1 runs back over to us, fuxing excited like a hyena just got a piece of chicken wing.

Friend 1: OK soldiers, we are in business. Pack your stuff and engage the enemy.

Me        : Wtf dude.

Friend 1: And by the way, I told them you are Michael ( *pointing at me* ), you dad owns the bank next door  and you are Steve ( *pointing at Friend 2* ), you drove a Ferrari.

Me         : Michael?!

Friend 2 : Steve?!!!

Friend 1 : Yah fuxers, remember we are rich kids and oh by the way, I just ordered 2 bottles of Chivas and bills on you fuxers.

Friends are just great sometimes, awesome.

There have been some truly great films or documentaries over the decades. Films which move you, change the way you think about the world, or even just provide a fantastic ride you couldn’t get anywhere else. Star Wars, Rambo, Rocky, James Bond and lots more.

Seconds after I hit play, I realized the masterpiece I had stumbled upon. This beautifully written activist film draws the viewer in as it eloquently describes what’s in store for the next two hours. It advertises the historical & modern information about currently dominant social institutions, while also exploring what could be in store for humanity if the power structures at large continue their patterns of self-interest, corruption, and consolidation.

It also attempts to locate the root causes of this pervasive social corruption, while offering a solution. This solution is not based on politics, morality, laws, or any other “establishment” notions of human affairs, but rather on a modern, non-superstitious based understanding of what we are and how we align with nature, to which we are a part. The work advocates a new social system which is updated to present day knowledge, highly influenced by the life long work of Jacque Fresco and The Venus Project.

So it is with great honour I present to you, the Zeitgeist - The Movie.

Truly a work of art. Judge for yourself.

I was in a short meeting with some customers at my office conference room just now. I was the last one to arrived and when I got in, all of a sudden my phone started blaring “WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!”. And mind you, it was the karaoke version of me and some friends sang last week. Excellent.

And oh there were about 10 of them there. All I can say is…

Ooops.

p/s: New blog theme

I got pulled over last nite, in a very grand way. The cop used the fat ass loudspeaker to command me to pull over. *Bee Boo Bee Boo* coupled with a sound from the disco light siren, they demanded me to stop “Tolong berhenti, tolong berhenti”. The letters “DUI” leaped to my mind. The phrase “do not talk on your mobile phone while driving” also appeared. But hey, I wasn’t drinking and I wasn’t on the phone as well. I thought to myself, could it be because I am playing too much of Grand Thef Auto. I mean, come the fux on, couldn’t there be a more inconspicuous way of pulling someone over? How about a hand signal? Those guys stopping by at the traffic light junction were all looking at me and it was embarrassing enough getting pulled over in such a grand way, it makes me look like a terrorist.

But anyway, the cop pulls me over and I’m eating my Ramly Burger. I know and I know it’s not very smart but I can’t just put my burger down simply because my car is very very messy. It looks like Godzilla has trampled Tokyo. It is that messy. The cop asks me for my driving license and I ask him to hold my burger while I reach for my wallet.

Ok I made that up.

I show him my driving license and still eating my burger. Imagine this. A guy eating a burger while showing his driving license and answering the cop.

Cop: Nak pergi mana? ( where do you wanna go? )

Me  : *Chewing the side of the burger* *yummy yummy* Nak balik rumah ( going home ).

Cop: Rumah mana? ( where is your home? )

Me: Dekat Malaysia ( in Malaysia ). *Ok I made this up too*

Me: *licking the mayonese* Dalam tu jer ( just rite in there ).

How cool.

He checks my car dashboard, passenger seat, under my seat, bonet and almost everywhere. He is probably hoping to find some Ak47 and C4 so he can send me to the ISA. But unfortunately for him, all he can find is just some toll receipts, movie tickets, empty mineral bottle, chili sauce, ciggie butts, shaver ( did I mention before I had a shaver in my car? ) and other stuff.

I was standing outside of my car during the forensic and some kids were laughing at me while waiting for green light at the junction. Yah laugh all you can motherfuxer, when I finish my Ramly Burger I’m gonna fuxing puke on your car. Ok, I didn’t do that, but I was thinking about it. I gave them a friendly look. My “friendly” look is basically a half smile and a bird. Don’t fuxing mess with me. If I see those kids again, it is going to be war. They best be watching out because I will do something. Yes, I fuxing will. I will destroy them in FaceBook MobWars.

To finish up this ridiculously stupid story, the cop gives me a warning. “Lain kali masa pandu jangan makan atau minum“( next time dont’ eat or drink while driving ). And with that, I continue to eat my Ramly burger and rush back home to watch Bangkok Dangerous ( pirated DVD ).

Happy Halloween people, it’s that time of the year again! Let’s throw some tomatoes and pumpkins on those assholes who wear Joker’s costume. *Splat splat splat*. Now let’s wash our hands and high five random people that have some of the worst costumes known to man.

Sad to say but Halloween is not very popular here in Malaysia or even Asia BUT hey we can still do something just for the sake of having fun on Halloween. Like changing our blog’s theme. *Tadaaaaa* like mine! You know what I really like to see in a Halloween party? Our Prime Minister Badawi dresses as Darth Vader and at the party, he runs into the real Darth Vader who dresses as Badawi. Fux, I’m sure they are gonna throw their light sabers like pumpkins.

On this spooky nite, remember a few things :

(1) Never talk to strangers, unless you’re pretty sure you could see them behind the mask and take them in a fight.

(2) If you are being stalked by someone wearing Michael Myer’s mask, I guess you’re pretty much fuxed and please consider police protection.

(3) If your friends suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.

(4) If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

(5) Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

(6) If you’re searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE FUX OUT!

(7) If you find an unmarked video tape, DVD or computer game DO NOT PLAY IT, bad things are bound to happen.

(8) If you are walking through the forest and find a large, squishy egg shaped object, DO NOT TOUCH IT, it will almost certainly contain the larva stage of some hideous alien invader that will kill you, mutate your body or take control of your mind (or any combination of the three).

(9) Always listen to the Geek, smart kid, dying scientist or old psycho hermit wizard. These people usually know everything to do with whatever is following you, trying to kill you or trying to open the Gates of Hell.

I think I’m gonna hook up with some horror movies tonite, off all the lights, just me and the TV, hold a flashlight under my chin, pretend that’s some creepy music playing, imagine dusk was coming quickly and the ghosts and ghoulies were multiplying and for more dramatic effect I’ll imagine the TV is covered with bloods and some sort of creepy monsters running inside the TV. And oh, I’ll imagine my mum being chased by zombies outside the house too. Now who says we can’t celebrate Halloween! Dig me.

Yooooooohoooooo, it’s Friday. And payday. You haven’t get yours? Too bad *dig nose*. I love payday. It makes me feel rich for a few days and after that I’ll be poor again. I have commitments and bills to pay, but there is always some extra cash enough in my budget to do one or sometimes two big things. Or buy something. I think I’m gonna throw some on delicious dinner and probably some Sushi.

Anyway, time is short. It’s freaking Friday evening here and I’m gonna leave this sad place real soon, so let me get straight to today’s topic. The past couple of days I’ve been disturbed surrounded by women. No, not that they hold my hands, hug me or get in touch with me physically but they come to me for advice. You know like a little sister asking the elder brother to buy her ice cream.Yah shit like that.

I guess this confirms I’m not gay. Rite on.

And the shittiest thing going out with girls is, they always bring their group of friends together. When I say group it means A LOT OF PEOPLE. So I end up sitting here with a GROUP of chicks listening to their gossip and rants “Ahhh my boyfriend so sweet, he bought me a pussy puppy”, “I think that bitch is wearing a fake LV”, and everytime when I try to interrupt them it becomes the beginning of a new argument.

I have some words with them and they have some paragraphs with me.

One of the hyenas chick cracks an inevitable question, “Why guys don’t have the balls to date girls? Wtf happen to them?”. Now in my honest opinion, I think there is a guy here “errrmm hello, dude alert, right here, look at me bitch I’m a dude.” Then I look in my pants to make sure I’m still a guy. I counter her question by telling her that guys do have balls, big one in fact and guys do like girls like her or anyone of them but maybe there’s a certain vibe she’s giving away that makes her a little unapproachable.

“So are you saying that I’m not HOT and I’m hard to APPROACH?!”. See the problem with woman? She continues to nag and nag and nag the whole day. Physical violence is not a woman’s best weapon. Mental violence like nagging is. A woman’s ability to nag is uncanny. It is something they are born with and then cultivate into a full-blown Weapon Of Destruction as they age.

So for single women everywhere and particularly HER ( I know she’s gonna read this ), just stfu and work with me FOR ONCE, please. There are few important rules to follow:

(1) DO NOT BRING YOUR GROUP OF FRIENDS TOGETHER ON A DATE. He only wants to talk and hangout with you and you alone.

(2) Smile. Like you have won the lottery. Ok I was just kidding. Just a normal smile will do, you know those sweet innocent smile, yah that Smile. And when the guy smiles back, just turn around, look down and pretend shy. But remember, continue to smile. Guys dig this shit.

(3) Do not play with your cellphone. It’s very annoying to see you bitching with your good friend via SMS. I don’t mean you can’t reply to SMSes or pick up calls, just don’t do it so frequently. Have respect for your date.

(4) Dress appropriately. I don’t have to say much on this, girls are good with fashion and always ahead of us. Wear something decent and comfortable. You don’t have to wear those shits that have your boobs half-exposed or a Cinderella gown unless you are going for a ten thousand dinner then yah, you probably need the gown and steal some diamonds from your mother or friends.

(5) Play smart. If the guy gives you a compliment like “You are so beautiful tonite”, ALWAYS RESPOND WITH “THANK YOU” or “THAT’s VERY SWEET OF YOU”. Don’t be a jackass and try to be smart by asking “huh really ah?”, “Why you say like that?”, mood killer.

Oh fux, it’s almost 7pm. I better run for now, I’ll come back with more IF I can think of any and if anyone has anything else, leave it in the comments. Appreciate that.

As I sit here, writing this shit, I received an email from FaceBook. It says something like this “<BOSS> has added you as friend on FaceBook.” “<BOSS>” refers to the guy who gives me salary every month. This is not good but I don’t really have a choice. You can’t fuxing say NO to a boss. This fuxer pays me! It just makes me a bit uncomfortable because I don’t want him looking at my naked photos and homemade sex videos ( yah for real! quick! add me on FaceBook now! ). If my parents were on Facebook, I would fuxin jump off this building now.

Anyway, back to the Boss part. With all respect, I added him and for some weird reason, he fuxing poke me. He sees that my relationship status is single and that somehow means “poke me.”

Father of all boobies, tell me this is not happening.

It’s not funny getting poked by your boss on FaceBook. I’m not gonna poke back, no fuxing way. I can imagine him writing on my wall and commenting on my status now, OMFG! I even change my current status to “Marcus is gonna work so damn hard” and disable the option that let friends know if I’m online or not.

I am excited. Wait, let me try that again. I AM VERY EXCITED everyone. OK much better. Why? No, I have not figured out what does a woman want, I am excited because I am going for a war game ( AKA Paint Ball ) this Sunday! I’m going crazy with excitement for this trip. You know I don’t get to do stuff like this all the time, bunch of friends together having good time and yah so the experience is going to be priceless. I’m so excited I could piss my pants.To be frank, I am excited because I get to shoot some bad asses.

*All pictures courtesy of Google search*

If there’s anyone out there with a background in this game, I’ve got questions that I hope you can answer for me. Seriously guys, this is my first time, is there any good newbie tips or things that I should know? Few things that I can think of:

(1) I’m gonna pretend dead and I will call all the newspapers and make sure they write about me in all the dead columns, just to be convincing. As soon as somebody passes through my “dead body”, I’ll shoot them rite on their nuts.

(2) I’m gonna climb a tree and snipe the shit out of everyone. When those bastards come on stage, I’ll throw them my dirty socks at their head before firing their ass.

(3) I’m gonna wear a pair of jeans that have a hole in the side of them. I strongly believe that the hole was there on purpose- it cuts down on wind resistance and helps me run faster in case any psycho paintball pirates are after me.

(4) I’m gonna wear something like this :

*All pictures courtesy of Google search*

(5) And my checklist ( please let me know if I miss out anything ):

- Insect repellent

- Lots of water

- Easy-to-prepare food

- Cash

- Spare socks, tshirt, pants, underwear and shoes

- Some bandaids

- Rain gear

- A digital watch

- Towel

- Flash Light

- Camera

- Small binoculars

If a bullet is shot right up in the air what is the possibility on it coming down on someone? I have always wondered this when seeing movies entailing guns fired up in the air. But anyway, it’s time to take back our manliness men this Sunday. It’s time to re-watch episodes of the A-Team and Delta Force. It’s time to stop shaving for a month.  It’s time to fart and shoot some bad ass. It’s time to be men once again.

Say what now bitch!