I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THE WORLD CUP IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I WILL SIT IN FRONT OF MY TV AND WAIT TILL THEY FUXING LIVE TELECAST THE MATCH!!!!!!!

So I was on the plane back to KL the other day and there was this hot Korean / Jap chick sitting next to me. I figure this out simply because of the movie subtitle she was watching, I don’t know if it’s Korean or Jap but it’s pretty much the same to me. I was on my iPod when I spotted she was watching Lost and it was then I approached her “You don’t wanna watch this when you are flying”. She just laughed and from my 32 years of socializing experience, I can tell she doesn’t understand a shit I was saying.

I don’t really watch Lost. I just don’t fuxing get it. I mean, come on man this is a show about people stranded on an island. Their plane got fuxed up and they were trapped on an island.

In present day.

This kinda shit doesn’t happen anymore. We have GPRS. I think, though I might be wrong, that if I got stranded on an island and I was wearing a tie, the first thing I would do (aside from crying like a bitch) is take my fuxing tie off.

Anyway, I didn’t get to taste Happy Pizza in Cambodia, the trip was way too short and rushy. And two days after that, I got down to Thailand and finally, I DID IT! ( look at the pics below and you’ll understand ).

I’m flying off to Cambodia tomorrow and after a series of conversation, and when I say “conversation” it means updating my status on Facebook and people commenting on it, I found something rather interesting about Cambodia.

The Happy Pizza.

I suppose you could make a case for me being all into boobies and pizzas but this pizza they are a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cheese and shits. Well, not so much of a mystery actually and there is a reason for the name “Happy Pizza”. And judging by my time spent with the word “Happy” in my life, I think it’s safe to say that this pizza is under the influence of a truly heroic amount of weed. Which I like to think is the main factor of the name “Happy Pizza”.

Pizza + Weed = Happy Pizza = Really Happy

Now let me go witness it, get happy and report it to you guys in the next post. Till then, let’s be happy.

I have a feeling Youtube will remove this video very soon. Enjoy while it’s still around, something that I captured during one of my adventure.

When you are poor, you work. I have never been working this hard for quite some time, well OK, I have never worked hard before but hey, who wants to live forever? Some people say, if you work too hard, your head gets bigger. That’s what I figure to be the case with some of the richest people in the world who work really hard. I’m pretty sure that Bill Gates head is bigger than my laptop. Does that make my laptop small or big? Well I say big because Bill Gate has a big head.

Sorry, just pointing out the facts.

I used to say a lot of shits, like get the hell out of here and go somewhere far. Move away for a little while, maybe come back, maybe no, depending on what kinda shits I get there. Maybe live in Taman Negara and live off the sweet passion fruit and durians that grow wild. Sleeping under a huge rock right next to the coral reef and growing a huge beard, like Tom Hanks in “Castaway”. Spearing sharks, picking berries and smoking weed on the beach.

Life moves so fuxing fast, you don’t even get a chance to stop and plan out what you really want to do with it. Or at least, I don’t. Lately though, I have been facing a lot of shits and that makes me thinking about doing something really serious. I haven’t figure out what but definitely not something as easy as going to the opposite road of my house and tapao burger. It’s all about job, I kind of wish my job would lay me off and like I said, some shits happened and it would give me an excuse to venture off and find something new. It would give me the time I need to sort out where I want to be.

Then I think about the bills I have to pay every month. I think about all the beers and snacks I consumed every month. Man, it sux. It’s just all so much fuxing work and thinking. It makes me tired just thinking about what I want to do and usually thinking about it does make me tired. So I stop thinking about it and it sort of just passes.

But not for long.

Remember when we were small and writing essay “Kehidupan Saya” in school? I never got an A for my essay and I blame it on my teacher for not appreciating my “creativity”. I’m pretty sure she’s suffering from lack of creativity in her old age. Come to think about it, I am now a grown up man and I think I can write the same essay but better.

Kehidupan Saya

Saya dilahirkan pada hari yang sama dengan Magic Johnson, pemain bola keranjang LA Lakers yang teramatnya lah terkenal tapi dia kena AIDS. Saya adalah anak bongsu didalam keluarga saya. Saya mempunyai seorang ibu, seorang bapa, seorang kakak dan seorang abang. Saya tidak mempunyai anjing.

Bapa saya seorang pemain bola keranjang dan bekerja di sebuah kilang teknikal tapi bukan kilang membina UFO atau robot. Ibu saya seorang suri rumah tangga dan kadang kala boleh lesap seperti ninja. Gabungan seorang pemain bola keranjang dan ninja melahirkan saya seperti yang dicatatkan oleh Professor Einstein “Cara cara melahirkan anak yang boleh membina UFO”.

Saya tinggal di sebuah perumahan yang mempunyai banyak binatang binatang comel seperti anjing gila, tikus besar dan lipas kudung. Oleh kerana semua binatang binatang ini comel, saya sentiasa bermain dan memberi mereka makanan percuma dan akibatnya saya dikejar dan digigit oleh mereka.

Saya tidak boleh berenang. Bapa saya pernah menasihati saya supaya menjadi seorang lelaki yang sejati dan menceritakan kisah dia belajar berenang. Menurut cerita bapa saya, dia ditendang ke dalam tasik oleh seorang kawan dia dan begitu lah cara dia belajar berenang. Sehingga ke hari ini, saya masih tidak pasti sama ada kawan bapa saya tendang bapa saya masuk ke dalam tasik untuk mengajar dia berenang atau sebaliknya. Saya cuma boleh ingat pernah sekali saya cuba berenang di Port Dickson dan ternampak sirip ikan yu dan lagu “Jaws” bermain di otak saya.

I vote a straight “A” for this essay.

The preceding predictions may contain hyperbole and derision, substances which the Hospital Kampung Jagung has determined can cause cancer and advanced stages of whining. By reading this post, you agree to the following:

a) you are opting in to reading it, you agree not to hold the writer responsible for your personal wretchedness,

b) you agree not to take the writer literally, and/or post responses implying the below predictions were in any way serious (unless you are a television producer, and are willing to pay me lots of money to produce this as a prime-time Horoscope / Feng Shui event),

c) and most importantly, you agree not to sue the writer in an attempt to pay off the credit cards you maxed out a couple years ago. Plus, I have no money, so suing me won’t do you a damn bit of good anyway.

Aries

The dark star is surrounding you today, shits might happen. If you run into an accident and even if you have insurance premium of 10k a month, DO NOT go to a  Government run hospital.  You will have to wait in line for 4months to register and 6 months to get treatment. It is more effective to pray to Jesus to heal your wounds.

Taurus

You have been working very very hard. It’s time to get some rest and you might consider throwing a party BUT cleaning up afterward might be a bitch.

Gemini

The stars are telling me that you will fall in love with someone’s name starts with “A”. I suggest checking out the local cemetery. And make sure you go at nite. Start stocking up on torch light, hell’s money, candles and simple weapons like needle. Prepare for the worst. If you see anyone acting weird, ask if his / her name starts with “A”, if not then start poking him / her with the needle.

Cancer

You will be a hero today. You will cure cancer, stop a bullet with your nose and go all Bruce Lee on a roomful of terrorists. Everyone will be so grateful that they’ll cry real tears. Your lucky number is 7634+234-532/56735×9.343. Good luck.

Leo

The odds are in your favor today. Try conquer the world. You share the same horoscope with me. Congratulation!

Virgo

Stop acting like you are a virgin and stop wearing that black dress of yours like you are all dressed up to lose your virginity. I said this many times before, losing your virginity is like opening a bottle of Kickapoo. It took me lightyears to explain that to someone.

Libra

A while back, you decided that you might be able to get some beer and smokes money by placing Google ads on your blog. The fact that you’ve only made something like a buck and change, due to the fact that nobody gives a damn about your abject poverty and only recently you discovered this, before you were living happily in Barbieland playing with your Disney ponies. The wakeup call was simply too hard. Love Forecast: There is a slim possibility (but one nonetheless) that you could meet your soul mate today. The planets are in a position of self-reflection. Therefore, if you meet this soul mate you’ll immediately recognize him or her as part of you. You’ll fit together like hand and glove. A good day to lose your virginity in the car.

Scorpio

Yeah, I know everything bout scorpion and I’ve seen the Scorpion King movie. If you haven’t guessed by now, I am sort of fixated on that movie. Regardless of the fact that the movie fuxed my shit up all week long, and freaked me right the hell out in front of a bunch of cats, I still don’t mind banging Kelly Hu. Ohh anyway, back to your horoscope. The weather is pretty hot, go get yourself some soft drinks or you’ll sweat like a chimpanzee.

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Some shit will probably happen to you today. You will eat, shit, watch some TV and sleep. You will login to Facebook, hitlist some ass in MobWars. Plant some shits in Farmville. Cook some maggie mee in Cafe World and a meteor will hit your house.

Aquarius

Godzilla will attack your town tomorrow. You’ll try to run but you’ll find that big ass Godzilla is just too good and you’ll decide to take your chances with the Godzilla. You’ll pay for this decision with your left testicle.

Pisces

Cows are spherical, as every Pisces knows. Excuse me while I smoke another bowl.

From:  Me

Dear Sir / Ma’am,

New post has been scheduled for next week. Please accept our humble apologies for slow updates. We are attempting to pay internet bills and coffee as soon as possible, you know times are bad.

In the meantime, we hope that the strippers we have sent over to your house will serve your needs until our new post is ready to be posted. Again, please accept our most sincere apologies.

Watch the clip, enjoy it deeply, and know that I love you all but I’m too busy to play ball right now.

Famous means well known. Everybody knows KingKong, this is what famous is all about – well known. I know what you are thinking but Jay Chow is not famous. Here are some categories of famous:

Not Famous At All – This is the most bottom level of fame, in other word no one knows you because you are NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. For example, people like you and me and the bangla who works in Jusco. We work our ass off from 9am-6pm, we curse when we pay tolls, we think twice before buying anything worth more than 100 bucks,  save up for Ah Yat Abalone, worry about phone bill and a zillion other things that make you NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. But look on the bright side, everyone starts from this level. Don’t believe? Look at David Blaine, sure magic may seem a little bit dorky but most chicks are easily impressed.  You do a couple of cheap tricks, fly a little bit, eat a couple of coins and you’ll advance to the next level.

Quite Famous – Not very famous and not very well known worldwide. For example, Ah Niu and the dude who sings “Negara Kuku”. You still make money but your position is pretty shaky and you have a very high chance to be NOT FAMOUS AT ALL again. You can still get drunk and rape a clown who possessed by the devil but people will still say “eh..you look quite familiar leh”. Increasing your fame is extremely important if you wanna go to the next level. To do that, you need to be featured in Berita Terkini, the 8 o clock news or the newspaper, provided if they have nothing to publish and you can get to the studio in fifteen minutes.

Famous – People like Michelle Yeoh, Fish Leung and Lee Chong Wei. These are the people who work their ass all the way from NOT FAMOUS AT ALL to QUITE FAMOUS and now FAMOUS. They do things that they like and make fame and fortune like a rap star. Then they get famous for writing music, acting or swinging the racket and if you are lucky enough, you might get Datokship as well.

Sibeh Famous – Brad Pitt, Britney Spear, Pamela Anderson. They make money like crazy, big houses, big cars, everything is big and luxury and they are on the front page all the time. Take one quick look at Leonardo Di Carpio and then start quantifying your envy of his exotic cars, unmitigated fame and super model consorts. This is a very competitive level and like relationship there’s a strong one and a weak one, if you are not strong enough you will not be on the front page. Their goal is to be the strong one. To do that, walk the red carpet and make sure that everyone knows who’s the man by introducing yourself with a firm and swift punch to the cock.  Then you tell that motherfuxer that you get front page.  Only bitches get back page.

Sibeh Sibeh Famous – Edison Chen ( a very good example ). This is the level above all, everyone knows you, you are a legend. To earn this level of fame, you’ve really got to fux a lot of people’s life ( including yourself ). You get your name, pictures and videos in the tabloids.  Women hear the story and think, “Woww, he’s got such a short dick, I want him!!”. Men hear the story and think, “Damn, that short dick dude has got a cool list of chicks!”.

In my humble opinion, our government concept like “Vision 2020″ and “1Malaysia” is like the movie Terminator. They are different, for example Terminator1 was a bad ass – a killing machine, Terminator2 was way more bad ass and Terminator3 was just a complete dick. Actually, the one thing Terminator3 didn’t have was a dick.

Achieving 1Malaysia is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears, looks good without actually covering much and is far too easy to get around or remove completely.

Using only one bottle of Ridsect bug spray and a lighter, I once single-handedly defended a small village in Slovenia from a horde of ferocious army turtles.

I used to be a bank robber, yet I receive fan mail.

I play chess but I was scouted by Liverpool FC.

When I’m bored, I help the SWAT.

I have performed breast enlargement surgery. Women love me.

Years ago I met Kurt Cobain but forgot to record it down.

I have made extraordinary “Fatt Thiu Cheong” ( Buddha Jumps Over The Wall ) meal using only a toaster oven and my legs. But still, I don’t see how we can achieve 1Malaysia.

Read this somewhere, thought of sharing it with you guys on a boring Wednesday.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’ As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s toilet. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your bag hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom/toilets in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door!

I’m feeling kind of randomly crappy today, so I’m going to hit you up with some “facts bout me” and then I’m gonna bounce. This always happens with blogger, you know, you write plenty of shits and then you feel like writing some cool shits bout yourself, and all of the sudden you are hanging out with Jay Chow that is telling you stories about his day and pulling out his piano to show you a new song he wrote about his ex-girlfriend.

Fact: I was once interviewed for a job by a younger dude, totally younger than me. And not like I was born in August and he was born in September. No, like I was born at the end of Tun Hussein Onn’s era and he was born during Abdullah Badawi’s era. It was like a slap in the face with a 95 years old tits. I understand I was getting older and it comes to a point in my life where people around me are “younger”. I can’t run away from this, it’s a fact. I got the offer and rejected it.

Fact: I am a carnivore. I only eat meat and beef is my number 1 favorite. So if we run into each other on the street and you want to buy me a meal to show your unending gratitude for my verbosity, now you’ll know the types of places to take me that will most garner my favor. If you try to be funny and take me to a place where they only serve veges then I would have no choice but to tear your ass like roti canai. Think of your family. Write this down if you need to.

Fact: I get hundreds of spam emails everyday, especially from Nigeria. The last one I replied that I was extremely interested but that I had recently had a dispute with my bank and my access to my saving account was frozen. I would be more than willing to help them if they could send 1million to me to settle my bank issue. My record so far is stringing these guys along for 2 weeks. They finally give up frustrated. I actually had one of them write me back asking to be left alone and stop sending him emails.

Fact: I started off my early career as a techie. I was very much into Linux, building Linux boxes for customers. One day I got a phone call. It was one of my customers. He couldn’t log on to my Linux box. He told me he couldn’t see the login screen on the monitor. So I went over to his place to troubleshoot. I look under his desk. His PC is missing and he sat there typing away wondering why he couldn’t “log on”.

Everyone loves picking their nose.

Oh come on, don’t act like you don’t do this shit. When you got a gold hanging or stuck inside there, you dig it and even though it’s not as good as orgasm but it’s pretty close.

From my observation, most people love to do it when they are driving. I drive past people after people with a varying selection of fingers rammed up their ass nose. Some people love to dig it with their index finger, some people love to dig with their pinky for small shits that hide in the corner, some people dig with their middle finger and eat it, some people explore with their ring finger to create more dramatic effect and some people love picking with their thumbs.

Imagine you are digging while driving and the dude in front of you slams on emergency brake. Not pretty.

Imagine you are digging while driving and a cutie drives pass you and look at you. Not awesome.

You might want to see a doctor if you are digging it with two fingers. I’m not saying tumor or anything, but you might want to check it out.

Somewhere, a car door is slammed with a little more anger than usual. Today, the first week after new year is the day when everyone ventures back into the office and stares at their computer with hatred.

Today, in KL, Jordi is going to share his new year eve experience with his colleagues about his new year guests who started the midnight countdown at 10,000.

In Johor, Julian just realized he’s at a bad New Year’s Eve Party, it’s January 5th.

In Kuching, Thomas heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.

And in Klang, my hair is still falling out and I am still unable to do simple math without using my fingers.

Everywhere across our country, our people are sad, angry and depressed and they have every right to be. Welcome back my friends.

p/s: To those who SMSed me wishing me dreams come true, good health, good fortune, wishing me all the best for 2010, God bless me, new wealth, new strength, new hopes, prosperous 2010 and shits like that, thank you very much. But I shit you not with all these, I wish you fux more, lotsa beers, sex, orgasms and win the fuxing jackpot.

p/p/s: There is no winner for my New Year Mini-CONtest, it was meant to be a con. I will keep all these 10 virgin turtles safely in the aquarium till next year.