“The box under my computer is missing.”

Ohh ok, probably some dudes snagged his UPS or his power strip and didn’t replace it. No biggie. I’ll buy a power strip and scoot on over.

I look under his desk.

His PC is missing.

The cords to his monitor, mouse, and keyboard were dangling in space and he sat there typing away wondering why he couldn’t “log on”.

I apologize for the nightmares dude and duchess, and general loss of sleep you’ll have from my story. Yes folks, these are the people in charge of our livelihood.

We’re fuxed.

I WILL SIT IN FRONT OF MY TV AND WAIT TILL THEY FUXING LIVE TELECAST THE MATCH!!!!!!!

I don’t really watch Lost. I just don’t fuxing get it. I mean, come on man this is a show about people stranded on an island. Their plane got fuxed up and they were trapped on an island.

In present day.

This kinda shit doesn’t happen anymore. We have GPRS. I think, though I might be wrong, that if I got stranded on an island and I was wearing a tie, the first thing I would do (aside from crying like a bitch) is take my fuxing tie off.

Anyway, I didn’t get to taste Happy Pizza in Cambodia, the trip was way too short and rushy. And two days after that, I got down to Thailand and finally, I DID IT! ( look at the pics below and you’ll understand ).

The Happy Pizza.

I suppose you could make a case for me being all into boobies and pizzas but this pizza they are a mystery wrapped in an enigma covered in cheese and shits. Well, not so much of a mystery actually and there is a reason for the name “Happy Pizza”. And judging by my time spent with the word “Happy” in my life, I think it’s safe to say that this pizza is under the influence of a truly heroic amount of weed. Which I like to think is the main factor of the name “Happy Pizza”.

Pizza + Weed = Happy Pizza = Really Happy

Now let me go witness it, get happy and report it to you guys in the next post. Till then, let’s be happy.

Sorry, just pointing out the facts.

I used to say a lot of shits, like get the hell out of here and go somewhere far. Move away for a little while, maybe come back, maybe no, depending on what kinda shits I get there. Maybe live in Taman Negara and live off the sweet passion fruit and durians that grow wild. Sleeping under a huge rock right next to the coral reef and growing a huge beard, like Tom Hanks in “Castaway”. Spearing sharks, picking berries and smoking weed on the beach.

Life moves so fuxing fast, you don’t even get a chance to stop and plan out what you really want to do with it. Or at least, I don’t. Lately though, I have been facing a lot of shits and that makes me thinking about doing something really serious. I haven’t figure out what but definitely not something as easy as going to the opposite road of my house and tapao burger. It’s all about job, I kind of wish my job would lay me off and like I said, some shits happened and it would give me an excuse to venture off and find something new. It would give me the time I need to sort out where I want to be.

Then I think about the bills I have to pay every month. I think about all the beers and snacks I consumed every month. Man, it sux. It’s just all so much fuxing work and thinking. It makes me tired just thinking about what I want to do and usually thinking about it does make me tired. So I stop thinking about it and it sort of just passes.

But not for long.

Kehidupan Saya

Saya dilahirkan pada hari yang sama dengan Magic Johnson, pemain bola keranjang LA Lakers yang teramatnya lah terkenal tapi dia kena AIDS. Saya adalah anak bongsu didalam keluarga saya. Saya mempunyai seorang ibu, seorang bapa, seorang kakak dan seorang abang. Saya tidak mempunyai anjing.

Bapa saya seorang pemain bola keranjang dan bekerja di sebuah kilang teknikal tapi bukan kilang membina UFO atau robot. Ibu saya seorang suri rumah tangga dan kadang kala boleh lesap seperti ninja. Gabungan seorang pemain bola keranjang dan ninja melahirkan saya seperti yang dicatatkan oleh Professor Einstein “Cara cara melahirkan anak yang boleh membina UFO”.

Saya tinggal di sebuah perumahan yang mempunyai banyak binatang binatang comel seperti anjing gila, tikus besar dan lipas kudung. Oleh kerana semua binatang binatang ini comel, saya sentiasa bermain dan memberi mereka makanan percuma dan akibatnya saya dikejar dan digigit oleh mereka.

Saya tidak boleh berenang. Bapa saya pernah menasihati saya supaya menjadi seorang lelaki yang sejati dan menceritakan kisah dia belajar berenang. Menurut cerita bapa saya, dia ditendang ke dalam tasik oleh seorang kawan dia dan begitu lah cara dia belajar berenang. Sehingga ke hari ini, saya masih tidak pasti sama ada kawan bapa saya tendang bapa saya masuk ke dalam tasik untuk mengajar dia berenang atau sebaliknya. Saya cuma boleh ingat pernah sekali saya cuba berenang di Port Dickson dan ternampak sirip ikan yu dan lagu “Jaws” bermain di otak saya.

I vote a straight “A” for this essay.

a) you are opting in to reading it, you agree not to hold the writer responsible for your personal wretchedness,

b) you agree not to take the writer literally, and/or post responses implying the below predictions were in any way serious (unless you are a television producer, and are willing to pay me lots of money to produce this as a prime-time Horoscope / Feng Shui event),

c) and most importantly, you agree not to sue the writer in an attempt to pay off the credit cards you maxed out a couple years ago. Plus, I have no money, so suing me won’t do you a damn bit of good anyway.

Aries

The dark star is surrounding you today, shits might happen. If you run into an accident and even if you have insurance premium of 10k a month, DO NOT go to a  Government run hospital.  You will have to wait in line for 4months to register and 6 months to get treatment. It is more effective to pray to Jesus to heal your wounds.

Taurus

You have been working very very hard. It’s time to get some rest and you might consider throwing a party BUT cleaning up afterward might be a bitch.

Gemini

The stars are telling me that you will fall in love with someone’s name starts with “A”. I suggest checking out the local cemetery. And make sure you go at nite. Start stocking up on torch light, hell’s money, candles and simple weapons like needle. Prepare for the worst. If you see anyone acting weird, ask if his / her name starts with “A”, if not then start poking him / her with the needle.

Cancer

You will be a hero today. You will cure cancer, stop a bullet with your nose and go all Bruce Lee on a roomful of terrorists. Everyone will be so grateful that they’ll cry real tears. Your lucky number is 7634+234-532/56735×9.343. Good luck.

Leo

The odds are in your favor today. Try conquer the world. You share the same horoscope with me. Congratulation!

Virgo

Stop acting like you are a virgin and stop wearing that black dress of yours like you are all dressed up to lose your virginity. I said this many times before, losing your virginity is like opening a bottle of Kickapoo. It took me lightyears to explain that to someone.

Libra

A while back, you decided that you might be able to get some beer and smokes money by placing Google ads on your blog. The fact that you’ve only made something like a buck and change, due to the fact that nobody gives a damn about your abject poverty and only recently you discovered this, before you were living happily in Barbieland playing with your Disney ponies. The wakeup call was simply too hard. Love Forecast: There is a slim possibility (but one nonetheless) that you could meet your soul mate today. The planets are in a position of self-reflection. Therefore, if you meet this soul mate you’ll immediately recognize him or her as part of you. You’ll fit together like hand and glove. A good day to lose your virginity in the car.

Scorpio

Yeah, I know everything bout scorpion and I’ve seen the Scorpion King movie. If you haven’t guessed by now, I am sort of fixated on that movie. Regardless of the fact that the movie fuxed my shit up all week long, and freaked me right the hell out in front of a bunch of cats, I still don’t mind banging Kelly Hu. Ohh anyway, back to your horoscope. The weather is pretty hot, go get yourself some soft drinks or you’ll sweat like a chimpanzee.

Sagittarius

Capricorn

Some shit will probably happen to you today. You will eat, shit, watch some TV and sleep. You will login to Facebook, hitlist some ass in MobWars. Plant some shits in Farmville. Cook some maggie mee in Cafe World and a meteor will hit your house.

Aquarius

Godzilla will attack your town tomorrow. You’ll try to run but you’ll find that big ass Godzilla is just too good and you’ll decide to take your chances with the Godzilla. You’ll pay for this decision with your left testicle.

Pisces

Cows are spherical, as every Pisces knows. Excuse me while I smoke another bowl.

Dear Sir / Ma’am,

New post has been scheduled for next week. Please accept our humble apologies for slow updates. We are attempting to pay internet bills and coffee as soon as possible, you know times are bad.

In the meantime, we hope that the strippers we have sent over to your house will serve your needs until our new post is ready to be posted. Again, please accept our most sincere apologies.

Not Famous At All – This is the most bottom level of fame, in other word no one knows you because you are NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. For example, people like you and me and the bangla who works in Jusco. We work our ass off from 9am-6pm, we curse when we pay tolls, we think twice before buying anything worth more than 100 bucks,  save up for Ah Yat Abalone, worry about phone bill and a zillion other things that make you NOT FAMOUS AT ALL. But look on the bright side, everyone starts from this level. Don’t believe? Look at David Blaine, sure magic may seem a little bit dorky but most chicks are easily impressed.  You do a couple of cheap tricks, fly a little bit, eat a couple of coins and you’ll advance to the next level.

Quite Famous – Not very famous and not very well known worldwide. For example, Ah Niu and the dude who sings “Negara Kuku”. You still make money but your position is pretty shaky and you have a very high chance to be NOT FAMOUS AT ALL again. You can still get drunk and rape a clown who possessed by the devil but people will still say “eh..you look quite familiar leh”. Increasing your fame is extremely important if you wanna go to the next level. To do that, you need to be featured in Berita Terkini, the 8 o clock news or the newspaper, provided if they have nothing to publish and you can get to the studio in fifteen minutes.

Famous – People like Michelle Yeoh, Fish Leung and Lee Chong Wei. These are the people who work their ass all the way from NOT FAMOUS AT ALL to QUITE FAMOUS and now FAMOUS. They do things that they like and make fame and fortune like a rap star. Then they get famous for writing music, acting or swinging the racket and if you are lucky enough, you might get Datokship as well.

Sibeh Famous – Brad Pitt, Britney Spear, Pamela Anderson. They make money like crazy, big houses, big cars, everything is big and luxury and they are on the front page all the time. Take one quick look at Leonardo Di Carpio and then start quantifying your envy of his exotic cars, unmitigated fame and super model consorts. This is a very competitive level and like relationship there’s a strong one and a weak one, if you are not strong enough you will not be on the front page. Their goal is to be the strong one. To do that, walk the red carpet and make sure that everyone knows who’s the man by introducing yourself with a firm and swift punch to the cock.  Then you tell that motherfuxer that you get front page.  Only bitches get back page.

Sibeh Sibeh Famous – Edison Chen ( a very good example ). This is the level above all, everyone knows you, you are a legend. To earn this level of fame, you’ve really got to fux a lot of people’s life ( including yourself ). You get your name, pictures and videos in the tabloids.  Women hear the story and think, “Woww, he’s got such a short dick, I want him!!”. Men hear the story and think, “Damn, that short dick dude has got a cool list of chicks!”.

Achieving 1Malaysia is unfortunately just like the underwear of Brittany Spears, looks good without actually covering much and is far too easy to get around or remove completely.

Using only one bottle of Ridsect bug spray and a lighter, I once single-handedly defended a small village in Slovenia from a horde of ferocious army turtles.

I used to be a bank robber, yet I receive fan mail.

I play chess but I was scouted by Liverpool FC.

When I’m bored, I help the SWAT.

I have performed breast enlargement surgery. Women love me.

Years ago I met Kurt Cobain but forgot to record it down.

I have made extraordinary “Fatt Thiu Cheong” ( Buddha Jumps Over The Wall ) meal using only a toaster oven and my legs. But still, I don’t see how we can achieve 1Malaysia.

When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘ The Stance.’

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance.’

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course.

You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’ As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men’s toilet. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long, and why is your bag hanging around your neck?’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom/toilets in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Fact: I was once interviewed for a job by a younger dude, totally younger than me. And not like I was born in August and he was born in September. No, like I was born at the end of Tun Hussein Onn’s era and he was born during Abdullah Badawi’s era. It was like a slap in the face with a 95 years old tits. I understand I was getting older and it comes to a point in my life where people around me are “younger”. I can’t run away from this, it’s a fact. I got the offer and rejected it.

Fact: I am a carnivore. I only eat meat and beef is my number 1 favorite. So if we run into each other on the street and you want to buy me a meal to show your unending gratitude for my verbosity, now you’ll know the types of places to take me that will most garner my favor. If you try to be funny and take me to a place where they only serve veges then I would have no choice but to tear your ass like roti canai. Think of your family. Write this down if you need to.

Fact: I get hundreds of spam emails everyday, especially from Nigeria. The last one I replied that I was extremely interested but that I had recently had a dispute with my bank and my access to my saving account was frozen. I would be more than willing to help them if they could send 1million to me to settle my bank issue. My record so far is stringing these guys along for 2 weeks. They finally give up frustrated. I actually had one of them write me back asking to be left alone and stop sending him emails.

Fact: I started off my early career as a techie. I was very much into Linux, building Linux boxes for customers. One day I got a phone call. It was one of my customers. He couldn’t log on to my Linux box. He told me he couldn’t see the login screen on the monitor. So I went over to his place to troubleshoot. I look under his desk. His PC is missing and he sat there typing away wondering why he couldn’t “log on”.

Oh come on, don’t act like you don’t do this shit. When you got a gold hanging or stuck inside there, you dig it and even though it’s not as good as orgasm but it’s pretty close.

From my observation, most people love to do it when they are driving. I drive past people after people with a varying selection of fingers rammed up their ass nose. Some people love to dig it with their index finger, some people love to dig with their pinky for small shits that hide in the corner, some people dig with their middle finger and eat it, some people explore with their ring finger to create more dramatic effect and some people love picking with their thumbs.

Imagine you are digging while driving and the dude in front of you slams on emergency brake. Not pretty.

Imagine you are digging while driving and a cutie drives pass you and look at you. Not awesome.

You might want to see a doctor if you are digging it with two fingers. I’m not saying tumor or anything, but you might want to check it out.

Today, in KL, Jordi is going to share his new year eve experience with his colleagues about his new year guests who started the midnight countdown at 10,000.

In Johor, Julian just realized he’s at a bad New Year’s Eve Party, it’s January 5th.

In Kuching, Thomas heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.

And in Klang, my hair is still falling out and I am still unable to do simple math without using my fingers.

Everywhere across our country, our people are sad, angry and depressed and they have every right to be. Welcome back my friends.

p/s: To those who SMSed me wishing me dreams come true, good health, good fortune, wishing me all the best for 2010, God bless me, new wealth, new strength, new hopes, prosperous 2010 and shits like that, thank you very much. But I shit you not with all these, I wish you fux more, lotsa beers, sex, orgasms and win the fuxing jackpot.

p/p/s: There is no winner for my New Year Mini-CONtest, it was meant to be a con. I will keep all these 10 virgin turtles safely in the aquarium till next year.

Referring to the below picture, come up with your best title. For example, “The Incredible Giraffe”.

Winners will be rewarded with one year supply of virgin turtles.

Happy New Year people, hope you enjoy your New Year Eve  and New Year, get drunk and get laid.

I have sinus.

Yah no big deal. I always get running nose when the weather changes or smell something bad.

Like donkey.

It’s a fuxing curse. Consider yourself a lucky son of a bitch if you never get sinus. So naturally I don’t think anything when my nose starts running, I just kind of deal with it like I always have.

My Dad has sinus too and he went for an operation before but it came back after few years. So I guess Mr. Sinus is pretty nasty. Life isn’t always beautiful and joyful, every now and again you are bound to get sick and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I’m sure even Jay Chou gets sick and he won’t even sign autograph for you.

But when I’m sick, I do get a bit fussy. I can be pretty short with people when I have running nose, so if you need to ask me for money, wait until my white blood cells have won the war- that way I can think of some lame excuse instead of hitting you.

Dentist.

When was the last time you went to the dentist?

Personally, I have not seen this dude for almost 20 years. No shit. I think I’m the only person I know who hasn’t been to the dentist for decades. I remember when I was small, going to the dentist is like a nitemare. It was so fuxing painful. All the pain, the blood and biting on some bandage for days. Let’s just say it sux.

I am not afraid of dentist but I think I have a pretty OK teeth so that explains the long absence UNTIL recently I found 2 small cavities on my front teeth. It looks so fuxing ugly. I know I have to get it fixed no matter what.

So I went to the dentist after so long and I gotta admit there have been a massive improvements in dentistry over the years. I don’t feel pain at all. I’ve even joked about it with my doctor “I thought this is supposed to be painful? Look! I’m not crying!” as he was fixing my teeth with some forks and spoons. The most notable moment would be when his assistant plugged in 2 special devices into my mouth. One looks like a cucumber which she uses it to spray water and the other one looks like a vacuum cleaner. I have to open my mouth so wide like I was blowing 2 black cocks at the same time. Awful.

Can’t scientists come up with a non-invasive way of doing this? Like a super glue or something fun and simple like that? Now I already know what girls are going to start thinking here. That I am overly paranoid about this. That I shouldn’t be whining because they have to get their cookies examined every year. Listen up girls, I’m going to see the dentist again! First week of January!

Now tell me, who’s your daddy?!

So what’s up Santa? Have not seen you for a year, things must be tough. Anyway, just a quick update, I wanted to let you know that I have been a very good boy this year. I didn’t look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and I helped those who are in need. Some king just died and his cousin needed my help and promised to repay me half a million dollars for my bank account information, which I sent of course, because I’m not an idiot. But just how the hell am I supposed to contact him now?

I heard he’s in Nigeria.

Well Santa, I must say I was very disappointed last Christmas. Dude, I was hoping for a million dollar and a naked Angelina Jolie but I ended up with some cards and weird pills. But no worries dude, last year has been pretty good from the point of view of having people to bounce things off and just as importantly have fun with. As a consequence I have been thinking about this very new Christmas wish.

1. I still want a naked Angelina Jolie

2. and my one fuxing million dollar, IN CASH! UK POUND!

3. I can’t figure out what I wanna buy now. All you have to do is email me your name and credit card info. I’ll figure out from there.

4. I heard Facebook is cool but how does it interact with Japanese schoolgirls? Send me a manual please or I’ll poke you in Facebook! 300 times!

5. A new Michael Jackson song.

6. A one-on-one dead match cage fight with Bruce Lee. I’ll show him who’s the daddy.

7. My fart smells like Hugo Boss perfume.

8. World peace – Jay Chou stops singing like a chicken.

9. Forrest Gump 2

10. I wish I could write funny blog, make everyone laugh and love it. Not in a gay way.

So there you go Santa, that pretty much summarises my Christmas wish for now. See ya tomorrow, peace out.

Some brief introduction bout this dude, “Lord Wicked is the eldest disciple of the King of Knives and the Piggy King. He is a reclusive and renowned martial arts master who broke his arms in order to relieve himself from evil power. Wind and Cloud seek his help to improve their skills”.

So you see, he is not a very nice guy. But one question comes to our mind.

“How he wiped his shit?”.

No offence to handicap people, but this dude has no hands so how is he gonna wipe his shit after taking a dump?

I am confused.

What can I say about this movie. It looks like a very special continual episode of Storm Rider 1 where Wind and Cloud combine together and everyone kung-fu fights to a nasty ruler. If you haven’t watch this movie, let me tell you what it is all about.

1) The story line is completely fuxed up ( Storm Rider 1 is so much better ).

2) The director tries to make it looks like the movie “300″ but failed miserably. Conclusion: I don’t technically know the director but I think he is generally a nifty person who drinks many beers.

3) Too many computer graphics and no original fighting scene.

4) The acting sux to the max. Look at Charlene Choi, she looks like she’s auditioning for a porn movie.

5) The whole show is about Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok posing, seriously. Yes, this is a gay pose story and this is definitely a must watch for all Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok.

If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor, go watch Rocket Singh and fux Storm Riders2. A good laugh is always needed in these troubled times.

Marcus Teng: feels sorry for AssAnal & Arsene Wanker, YNWA!!

Carlos Ng: lol.. im sorry for LeaveA-Puss too. hehe ^^

Marcus Teng: it doesn’t rhyme man, check this out …AssAnal and Arsene Wanker

Jordi ???: I felt sorry for all MAN UTD fan also…..

<Sensitive Fan>:  i feel sorry for liverFOOL as the foolish fan too

Jordi ???: wow, that hurt….

<Sensitive Fan>: it’s been several times i saw his post talk about ARSENAL. can he spell it right???

Marcus Teng: u mean ASSANAL and ARSENE WANKER?

<Sensitive Fan>: WHAT EVA…..

Marcus Teng: man, there are really some sensitive football fans out there.

Jordi ???: arsenal , assenal or assanal , its the same… You can’t win the league with kids… : P

<Sensitive Fan>: yeah, what about liverfool, fool, foolish and carlos was right, LeaveA-Puss

Jordi ???: I love the fools…. they will win the league next year (as quote every season)

Marcus Teng: 18 League Titles,5 European Cups,7 FA Cups,7 League Cups,3 UEFA Cups,3 European Super Cups,15 Charity Shields,3 FA Youth Cups.

To AssAnal Fans: start talking when you can win SOMETHING, or at least lay your hand on the Holy Grail.

Jordi ???: Ouch! that sting!!!!

<Sensitive Fan>: may i ask you something, which team is AssAnal??? is it in the league???

Marcus Teng: well anyway, actually this post was intended for some really CLOSE FRIENDS who are arsenal fans, it didnt mean to be a sensitive post. I think all my friends got it, this is just a usual teasing-around whenever our favourite team play against each other.

Marcus Teng: mat kelakar la ini budak, terus remove friend lol. dont play with assanal fans.

And he removed me after that, conclusion is “Don’t Mess With Sensitive Football fans”.

Yeah, okay, I have no idea what the fux I just said up there, I think it’s some kinda rap lyric. Seriously. Anyway, I’m going out of town tomorrow to somewhere not too far far away from the galaxy. Look at the picture below, and if you could figure out where and what are those cats doing, drop me a mail and I’ll buy you a cat beer there.

But then I thought, dude, I got better stuff to write on that meme that everyone and their mother and their mother’s best friend’s sister-in-law has been complaining. So you see, I like the people I work with and I kinda like my job. It pays pretty good. I am also very good at what I do. Doing presentation is part of my job and sometimes I meet funny people during my presentation.

I was doing a presentation for a group of ten professionals, ranking from High Level Management people to managers. Normally I’ll start off with getting to know the people there, understand my audience and crack up some jokes before going into my formal presentation. Half way doing the presentation, a cool dude sitting in front of me needed to catch a quick eye-shut during my presentation. I have no problem with “taking a nap”, he probably ate 20 Ramly burgers the nite before, so I’m cool with it. But the problem is, snoring is not “taking a nap” anymore and it’s not cool. It’s not those normal snoring, it’s like Jay Chow singing Metallica Enter Sandman that kinda snore. The dude sitting beside him tried to wake him up but unfortunately, it only made him snore even louder.

Out of nowhere and all of a sudden, the sleeping dude woke up and he realized shits happened. To avoid embarrassment, I continued by asking one of the executive some simple question when everyone was looking at that cool dude.

Everyone was laughing but it all went cool. I think the next time I do presentation, I’m gonna bring a bottle of Jack Daniels. Drunk people don’t fall asleep.

Some things have been put on this planet to help us live ( food, water and oxygen ), some things have been put on this planet to help us happy ( like boobs and weeds ) and some things have been put on this planet to make us unhappy ( Jay Chow ). But there is one thing that has been put on this planet to make it a better place. Yes, I am talking about Transformers.

Talking about Transformers, I have this fantasy where…well, that’s private, but it involves my girlfriend/wife singing the theme to Transformers and wearing the “special suit” I made for her. I got the plans from this guy.

Well anyway, I’ve seen both Transformers 1 and Transformers 2 movie in the cinema and recently I bought the DVD ( pirated one ) and after spending 268 minutes and RM13, I must say the movie still fuxing rox. TRANSFORMERS FUXING ROX! Now let us all stand up and say it together, loud, TRANSFORMERS FUXING ROX! You may be seated now, thank you.

I was watching it with few other humans ( like my Mum and Dad ) and half way watching it, I couldn’t talk in human language. After hearing all the sound effects, I couldn’t answer my calls and talk to human effectively. I could only make the Transformers sound ( *chek chek chek chek* ) when they transform and the only thing in my mind was “AutoBots! Roll out!”. Half way through the movie, my old man left abruptly and my guess was all the sound effects must have triggered a flashback of me crying when I was a baby.

What you haven’t seen this movie? Seriously, do yourself a small favor. This movie is fan-fuxing-tastic, you don’t wanna miss it. It was one of my ambition to be a Transformers. I mean what else do you want from a movie? Robots pounding on each other’s ass, cool sound effects, nice wheels and Megan Fox!

After watching this movie, I dare to say it has definitely increased my muscles and penis size. And I think one of my friends grew a beard and had hair in places never had before. This movie is so manly and cool. I think I know what to do next Valentine, I am gonna create a heartfelt Valentine card that really expressed my true feelings but also have pictures on them of the Transformers holding big, cartoon hearts.

How sweet.

I was excited about this reunion and the day before I reacted to this reunion by selecting the finest hair gel and clothes to wear. I even sobbed loudly while giving myself a cow’s bath and pooped all over everything in the bathroom and I even thought of sacrificing a unicorn to celebrate this reunion but then come to think about it, I might end up in jail and I won’t be able to make it to the reunion.

The reunion was cool, I was  making awkward conversation in a decorated Station1 with people I love who are wildly more successful than myself, I thought I’d do everything I can to make the whole experience a little more palatable. We were catching up on things like “Are you married?”, “How many kids do you have?”, “Where are you working now?”, you know the boring standard stuff.

If only I get to organize the next reunion, I will throw a superbly awesome drunk reunion party. I think that can be accomplished using my cunning, my guile, and my skinny ass in tight blue Levis jeans. The ladies love that. I mean seriously, who wants a boring reunion rite? You know what I’m gonna do?

1) The title or theme for the reunion is very very important. Names like “Primary School Reunion & Getting Drunk Party”, “Awesome Reunion Class Of 92 – Except For The Dude Who Sat Beside Me”, “Slapping The Class Monitor Reunion Party” will definitely attract crowds.

2) Throw a 90′s party. We’ll have musics all the way dated back from the 90′s and people will be dancing like John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever. If this idea of mine goes over well, I promise you this – I will knock down the popular handsome kids and step on their necks. Revenge will taste so sweet.

3) Midway through the proceedings, a rousing game of “Guess Who Will Die First?” will surely liven things up. The winner should get a prize and the person that’s dying shouldn’t be informed about the game ahead of time because they might not want to play.

4) I can arrange a Poker or Blackjack session. Betting is strongly encouraged. Don’t worry if you do not have enough cash, we accept kids and wives too.

Tell me if this is not gonna be the best reunion.

Sometimes in the natural course of events as I walk on this planet, I will come across something or someone so utterly wrong that it makes me question the basic fundamental truths this life of mine has been built upon. Sometimes people ask me funny questions. For example, “How to kau lui?” ( Translation for those of you who don’t understand Cantonese “How do I get laid?” NOTES: This is Open Up And Say AAaaahhhhh advanced translation ).

For those of you who are looking for the exactly same answer, listen carefully, here’s what you do:

Make Kingkong noises and pound your chest as hard as you can. Loudest pound gets the hottest chick. Remember, DO NOT TALK, just pound your bloody chest. And when a chick walks toward you and starts talking, unzip your pant and pull out your M16 ( if you get what I mean ) and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT YOUR OWN MOUTH.

That’s all, it’s really that simple.

Age 0 to 1 year: The day you were born. Nothing much to do seriously. Just make sure you eat, shit and sleep. Oh and irritate the shit out of your parents by crying in the middle of the nite.

Age 1-5 years: Learn to be a human. You will still be doing the same thing ( refer to Age 0 to 1 year ) but at this stage you learn more about humanity such as talking, walking, eating using the appropriate tools, shitting in the right places and etc. This is also the stage where you have to decide which cartoon or superhero you worship as this will influence your fate in the near future. I feel bad for you if you choose Ninja Turtle.

Age 5-12 years: Time to meet new faces and make friends. Your parents would probably dump you in a kindergarten and then primary school. No commitment, no worries. Just bum around, talk to a few and chill. This is also the perfect time to learn throwing ninja stars made of paper and get detention.

Age 12-17 years: Learn about human production. It’s time for your body to develop to bigger size. When a movie comes on the TV and it lists “18SX”, it gets even bigger. You will also get to know more friends and all these are your faithful committed partner in crime for many years to come.

Age 17-21 years: Learn about party. You will explore the benefits of alcohol, weed and partying. Heed my warning: All these stuff take years to master, you think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by dozen of girls, giving your boxers to a bachelor’s party because one of the girl is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.

Age 21-30 years: Learn about making money. Time to get a job, make some money BUT stick to alcohol, weed and partying. If you have not lost your virginity by the end of this stage, please find a prostitute or gigolo ( or contact me if you are girl ) or become a monk or commit suicide or whatever.

Age 30-40 years: Learn about settling down. If you are still making 100 bucks per month then I suggest you to work for Starbucks ( I heard they pay pretty good money there ). And if you are married at this early stage, congratulation, you don’t worry about terrorism anymore. Of course you can’t live on goodwill and Jack Daniels alone. You also need poker and hookers.

Age 40 – 60 years: Being at this stage, with the debt and the existential angst and thinning hair, it fuxing sux. It it also time to consider buying Viagra.

Age 60 -70 years: You will convert a simple message using 2 chapters of words and “those were the days” will be your standard script. You know that age has started to sink and long, long gone are the days when you would happily drink until your friends the Incredible Hulk appeared and you would be found dancing on a roof singing Sweet Child O Mine at the top of your lungs.

Age 70-80 years: If you are still alive then it’s about time. Get our ass ready.

Age 80-100 years: Wtf, you are still alive.

100+years: I’m getting bored of you.

After work yesterday I was walking to the grocery store to buy ciggie and I stumbled upon something odd. I turned onto a street that I typically walk down, and noticed that up ahead a woman was standing with her back to me, near a tree. As I got closer I saw a skinny woman with a huge dog, when I say huge, I mean you can probably put some makeup on it and put it into a Lord Of the Rings movie with the Dark Lord riding this thing. I wonder how the fux she walks a dog that fuxing big size when she’s so skinny. I don’t even wanna get near to that dog.

Then I noticed the dog wasn’t friendly. The dog looked at me. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs but when a dog that looks like a Godzilla on four legs and looks like it wanna charge at you at 160kmph, thats not love anymore. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, I have run from tax, but I don’t think I can outrun this dude. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in Godzilla excrement.

Godzilla started to bark at me. Not very nice. The owner seeing that her dog couldn’t stfu and acting like an asshole called out its name. It was then the dog shut it off and decided a bird was more interesting than me. As I passed by, I gave the lady a look of Just-Don’t-Let-Go-Of-This-Dude.

Gosh, that was the worst shit I had the whole last week. In fact because I wrote that shit in this blog, I’m going to get some weird dogs finding me in dream. I promise I’ll kill them in a fashionable way and if I am pushed, I’ll kill hamsters too. My new motto. Godzilla dog is not handsome.

It continued all the way with both of us walking out from the library. By the time we arrived outside the library, I was in my full Tae Kwan Do suit and my fist was ready. Being a hot headed person and having wrestled with harsh words for the past 15minutes , I was ready for some KungFu action.

I was ready for a fight.

I started showing my manhood to Donz by pushing him and kicking him. Donz, normally a not so edgy person, walked away and turned his back against me without a fight. I felt my manhood was challenged.

Then it happened.

It was then I saw a pretty big rock ( good enough to kill someone ) on the ground. I picked it up and ran towards Donz. I can’t even explain the adrenaline that pumps through my body while I run towards Donz with the rock. My heart was beating fast, I was sweating, I wanted to hit his head with the rock and I wanted to kill him. I really can’t put the experience into words. I can’t remember that fight vividly but I remember when I got near him with the rock my conscience knocked the wind out of me and I felt genuinely paralyzed for a second.

I stopped there.

And Donz continued his journey walking back home.

I sat alone for a moment. I regretted my action and without thinking twice, I walked over to his house to apologize. Apology accepted and we were friends again.

Come to think about it now, I should have kill him. He has been a super unhelpful asshole who savagely raped my life and bugging me for the past 24 years. Talking bout good buddy, damn.

I am writing to you in regards to your failure to compete in the BPL. But before I write you off, thanks for the Champions League during your first season with us. Your recent failures have caused me to seriously reconsider my desire to overlook your felonious and morally questionable business acumen. In short, Mr. Rafa, I think we need to meet up and discuss about the current situation. I promise I will not hurt you.

Now let’s get down to business shall we? Let me list down some of the shits that we are facing now:

1) Lack of squad depth.

Just look at the bench. And then look at your opponent’s bench. Next, go to the toilet, look at the mirror and comb your hair. Come out, look at the bench again. Dude, I don’t know if you realize this but there is not a single reliable sub on the bench.

2) Too dependent on few players ( well only 2 actually, not a few ).

We are nothing without Gerrard and Torres. We used to rely on one player, Michael Owen but it’s better this time at least we got 2 players now.

3) Wasting time on useless players.

You know who I’m talking about. Your favorite players Lucas and Babel. I don’t know why you love to play them but it has been proven that they are just not good enough to compete for first eleven.

4) Your “Special” tactic.

I have no idea why you sub Torres on the 62nd minute against Fulham. Just a friendly reminder, the scoreline was 1-1, a draw and you actually took out the one and only player who could score.

5) Failure to replace key players.

It’s ok to sell off Alonso ( one of the key player ) but who’s replacing him? Oh yah I almost forgot, Aquilani the 20m signing who is expected to be out for 6 weeks when you signed him. Sounds like a good plan.

Honestly, I’m very very disappointed. Ah ok Rafa. We’ll win the next game rite? OK I’ll go ahead and encourage the grandma sitting beside me to understand that we will win the next game, perhaps the title and that there’s these things called “Lucas” and “Ryan Babel”. And I’ll tell her to just wait a few months or years. I’m sure she’ll be really happy with that. Seriously, her time on this earth is limited, but she’ll spend the rest of it believing that we will win the BPL with the current team that play like cum stains.

Edison : “Dude! wtf! This shit is like a rain forest!”.

Cecilia : “It’s fuxing cold ok”.

Edison : “You gotta be shitting me, I could even hear frogs chirping”.

Cecilia : “Stop bitching, so are you going down or what?”.

Edison : “No fuxing way I am going anywhere near that thing unless Rambo accompanies me”.

Cecilia reaches into her handbag and pulls out a dildo.

Cecilia : Just fux me or I’ll dildo slap you!

Edison ventures into the rain forest without Rambo and he forgot to clean up the hair that got their way in to his laptop. The rest is history.

I don’t know what they gonna write next, they probably gonna write about how desperate they wanna sleep with David Beckham or write a song about Cinderella vs Juggernaut. It goes something like this:

Yo Yo! Zzzup dawg’

I’m so high I can fly to the moon now.

Yo Yo ! ( always say Yo, it’s fuxing important in a rap song ).

Mah brada Lee Chun Jok ( Jok Jok Jok – background echo )

He is a potato farmer in South Korea ( Yo Yo ! )

He is the master potato grower ( Yo Yo ! )

How’s the potato going?

I’m still high!

He is patriotic man who fight for world peace….

Fighting for peace is like fuxing for virginity

Do you know a better way to make more virgins ?

I’m so high…..

Oyeeee…..I’m so high….so high…sooooooooooooo highhhh…..

Repeat 7000 times.

So one morning, I was running there and when this pretty cute girl and her friend walks over and sit down at the playground to watch me run. Me being myself, I feel like a rock star and started to run like a pro ( Forrest Gump is a pro ). I was so excited I made sure I flexed every muscle in my body to enhance my athletic physique including my hair by waving it left, right, up and down. When I ran out of breath, I took a slow walk like in the “Dou San” ( God Of Gambler ) movie and the wind was blowing my hair and shirt to further enhance my coolness.

It was then shits happened. Out of the corner of my eye, I see these 2 asshole stray dogs. One black and one brown. They were barking all over the place, well they were actually barking at me. I don’t know why but I’m pretty sure I didn’t owe them money. They started to run slowly towards me, which is not a good news. I swear they were looking at my balls. I was ready to sprint the shit out of it if they come any closer. Forget bout the chicks, forget bout being awesome, I think my balls are more important. But then the most awful thing happened. They redirected their run towards the playground. To the 2 chicks. The target has been set. It wasn’t me.

Once they reached the playground, they raised their eyebrows and laughed like Joker. I lied bout the eyebrows. They sprinted like a cheetah towards the 2 chicks. I tried to distract them but the damn dogs were unimpressed at my attempts at making friends with them. It chased after the two girls and the girls ran like crazy.

That my friends, is the story of how one black dog and one brown dog stopped one awesome man from reaching one vagina. Or maybe two.

1) Cristiano Ronaldo

The first slap goes to this monkey. I have no doubts he is a fantastic, world class, brilliant footballer. I respect his football skills but not his personalities. Remember what he did to his own team mate Rooney in World Cup?

Sorry MU fans, but I gotta slap him. This monkey is such a traitor. And oh, a diver. *PIAK*

2) Robinho

The second slap goes to another good footballer, Mr. Robinho – the money grabbing cunt. This dude is such a whiner and betrayer, he has no passion for football. I mean yah money is one of the factor but loyalty and passion play a bigger role than money. Just look at the time he went to Real Madrid and then the rumors of him playing for Chelsea and he ended up playing for big spending Man City. What? You wanna win title with Man City? Dude, get real, you are going after the money and look at where you wanna go now. Barcelona. He’s a skillful player but not his personality. Double slap for this monkey *PIAK PIAK*

3) Michael Owen

Betrayer! He just needs to be slapped. Multiple times. A Liverpool product and now playing for our biggest rival Manchester United. What more can I say? *PIAKKKKK*

4) Britney Spears

My name is Britney. And I'll Spear up your ass with mah titties.

She is a classic example of a slappable face. She loves to add in the kena-fux voice when she sings, “aaahh…ahhh…”, I don’t know why, probably she thinks it adds character or something. Anyway, *PIAAAAAAAKKK*

5) Angelina Jolie

I Swear I'll Call You Tomorrow

Slap her for not returning all my calls. Slap on the ass *PIAKKKK*

6) Our Government

I could slap them forever, seriously. One classic example is the petrol price. It’s insanity. When I become the Prime Minister I’m going to make all vehicles run on peanut sauce because I know like 2 people that actually eat that stuff and the rest is just rotting away on supermarket shelves around Malaysia. Lets put it to good use. So remember to vote for me. Beside petrol, I think you guys can figure out the rest of the shit. The corruption, the ISA, the police, the politicians/ministers, the list is just too fuxing long. *PIAK* for myself, *PIAK* for the people, *PIAK* for my family, *PIAK* for my friends, *PIAK* for all the readers, *PIAK* for the stray dogs outside my house, *PIAK* *PIAK* PIAK*.

7) Prince

This douche bag has created the worst music ever. Thanks Prince for making the greatest gay drunken song of all time. I would like to slap this fuxer in the face 75 or 76 times.

Steven Lim

Look into my eyes and tell if you don’t wanna slap him. I just have to slap this dumbshit in the face. I know he’s trying to look smart but dude, export and import aren’t the same thing. *PIAKKKKKKKKKKKKK* and a big fux you!

9) The dude who jogs in front of my house every morning.

This dude has been running around my house area for the past 20 years or so and until today I still cannot figure out where he stays. I don’t hate him, I am just jealous of him. He’s got such a strict discipline, determination and passion to run every morning. I can’t run more than a mile without seeing a light and hearing the voice of God and I sure as hell am not athletic (unless sitting on my couch and watching football counts as athletic). *PIAK* on my own face, you have my respect Sir. Hey wait a min, I am supposed to slap him.

10) Superman

Yeah, no kidding. Superman has pretty much a ruined career, because every fuxing time I see him on screen I’ll be thinking, “Can’t trust him! That’s Sylar! Kill him now or it’s gonna get worse!!!”. I mean come on dude, wearing a red undie saving the world? And I so wanted to slap the rest of the dudes in the Justice League ( or the Chronic Masturbators ) in the face but since I limited myself to only ten people, I’ll focus my attention on him. *PIAK* for red undies!

It’s kindergarten graduation photo day and look at what the fux my teacher dressed me up in. I look so stupid.

A red graduation robe? A red hat that looks like a 6 year old Italian Mafia? Just fuxing awesome. Even I want to beat myself up. My mum says it looks cute. I don’t think so, I look like a fuxing Mickey Mouse who got kicked out of Disneyland. This is the photo that will immortalize me as a kindergarten graduate forever. The day upon which generations of my descendants will look back and judge my legacy. And this is what I look like? A fuxing Mickey Mouse.

I wonder who came up with the idea of wearing RED color robe, why not black or yellow? Color racist. I wanted to wear my Superman T-shirt, but I think they are sensitive and I ended up wearing something that looks like a Guess catalog reject. I’m supposed to look cool and awesome, something that makes girls go crazy, like Keanu Reeves. It should be disheveled, untamed, and project an image of masculinity and playfulness. Just look at the fuxing tie and my freakishly large forehead. You could land a Boeing 777 on my forehead. Either way, I think we can all agree that this is the finest piece of photo ever taken and it should be hung, at minimum, in a very sad, very dark bar.

My pose is not the best but that is the standard pose according to the photographer. I have no fuxing clue why I have to pose like that holding that piece of cert. You can see that I am not very happy, I am not even smiling. And I am not happy with my hair…wait a minute, is that Mei Mei over there? Dude, she’s so hot. She looks like Angelina Jolie. Oh shit, she’s coming over here. She’s going to see me wearing that lame red robe and then she’ll never be my girlfriend. I better get the fux out of here, hide in the toilet or go play with the sand or…

Hey, Mei Mei! What’s up? What? This? What am I doing? This red thing? Oh, it’s nothing, just ermmm taking my kindergarten graduation photo. What do you think? Cool?

What? My hair? My pose? No, yah the forehead, yah I know but hey…..

Oh, you’re leaving? All right, well hmmm… if you’re not too busy at recess later, I thought maybe we could grab some keropok udang or milk and then…

Oh, you’re eating with Michael later? Ohh ok, that’s cool. I see you in drawing class then.

See you in drawing class? I am such a moron. I’m already 5 year old and I can’t even talk to chicks.

God, I can’t wait to grow up. Then Mei Mei will marry me.

I read an article called “OS deathmatch,” yet the author cannot decide who wins. What the fux is that? It’s like he brings a couple gladiators together and they end up holding hands.

Na bu eh.

In other news, Open Up And Say AAaaahhhhh has been awarded for the Honest Scrap Awards from Donna@Dolly and here’s the rules:

1) List 10 honest things about yourself

2) Pass it on to 7 people

I’m gonna skip step number 2 simply because I know those fuxers are not gonna do it or they gonna write the opposite of “honest”.  So the 10 honest things (If you get through this whole list I will give you a virtual high five):

1) I’m still young. Partly because like that androgynous Peter Pan I refuse to grow old and partly because I’m only 31. By my standards I am still young and viable. And sexy.

2) I firmly believe that if you do not like Gaban, there is something severely wrong with your soul.

3) My life was once boring and it made me rethink my life and maybe become a priest, but then I realize that if I become a priest I probably have to touch little boys and since I don’t like doing that I decided that my life is fine as is.

4) If anyone knows anything about me it’s that I love karaoke. I also love birthdays. So combining these two made the greatest night in the history of the universe.

5) One Christmas I spread my Lego bricks around my house to try to catch Santa. At about midnight there was a lot of swearing, and I found out that Santa wasn’t real.

6) I started to hate online games, especially World Of WarCraft. I was once an addict. It destroys relationship. I’ve got a couple of friends that bought it for their partner and the relationship has always ended within months after that fateful purchase. My last friend got so fed up that she took the laptop (with the CD still in it) and smashed it in the driveway, drove over it a few times, then hit it with a hammer. Then she called all her friends and went to have ice cream. That game is pure evil, it makes boys think dating a high level elf huntress is better than having a real girlfriend.

7) I have an older sister and brother. I am the youngest child. My sister is married and have an adorable little son. He is hilarious. We used to play Ultraman VS Godzilla, I am the Godzilla most of the time ( all the time actually ). Unfortunately, they live at the other side of town, so I don’t get to see them as much as I wish I did.

I am a hardcore Liverpool fan. I am willing to sell my virginity for a free trip to Anfield.

9) I have decided to name my son “Teng Lek” ( from the old chinese drama “Shanghai Dan” ) and if I get a daughter, I’ll name her “Teng Teng” ( also from “Shanghai Dan” ).

10) I love futsal, it made me run like a zombie on methamphetamines.

Ok, that is a lie. I don’t go to the gym.

The serious thing is, I have been very busy with my work. I’m really fuxing busy. So many tasks, so many appointments, so many apples to polish, and shits like that. It’s crazy days over here.

But today, I have a bad news. I have decided to go for iPhone ( read the poll ) and I’ve just paid for it and I should be receiving it in a couple of weeks. I am obviously excited but I have something in store to get you excited as well.

As you know I am a blogger, and being a blogger means you get special powers. Mine is the ability to see the future. So in preparation for the arrival of my iPhone, I am presenting to you some events that will happen during the first few days of my new life with iPhone. Let the fuxing conspiracy future telling begin!

1) If I ever get arrested and go to jail, I’ll probably join a gang and then become the gang taikor because I’m good at coming up with nicknames and gangs always have nicknames for the members. I’ll Google it with my iPhone.

2) Women will only be allowed into my room if they give The Secret Ring Tone, which will never be given out to my friends girlfriends, wives and mistresses, because they can only cause trouble. And they have to show me their iPhone too.

3) I will change my voice message to the following recording “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes. And oh, if you own an iPhone, you know where to find me”.

4) It will takes me hours to figure out how to install those kinky apps for iPhone. And when I run it, it will all look like Jay Chow’s pubic hair.

5) I will upload cool songs and my iPhone will have a voice that brushes against your skin like a stripper covered in velvet. And my iPhone have dance moves that are so potent that it can bring a woman’s panties to the floor from fifty paces…without even busting a single move. That’s right my iPhone can stand still and woman’s panties fall to the floor just by looking at it.

6) If you tell me that iPhone sux, I will bitch slap you. Twice. Stop spreading lies. Everyone knows that Apple products do not sux and break down. Any issues you may be experiencing with your Apple product are merely a result of insufficient faith.

That’s all I can disclose right now. As someone who possesses the power of  future telling, I can’t give everything away, because otherwise life would be filled with boredom. With great iPhonepower comes great responsibility, right?

I’ll post something tomorrow, maybe, just maybe. OK latest by Friday.

1) Your car is parked in a shopping complex.

2) You are inside the car and realize you lost the parking ticket. You are frustrated.

3) You are already late for an appointment. Double frustration.

4) You have no choice but to get the shit out from the place and you decided to drive out and pay the penalty.

5) You put in reverse gear and at the same time “Hunny Bunny” ( your girl friend ) calls you.

What do you do?

a) You tell her that you’ll call her back.

b) Put in Neutral gear and talk to her for a while ( a while means a couple of minutes ).

c) You tell her to fux off and stop bothering you.

The below diagram explains your position ( thanks for the compliment, I know the drawing rox ).

Now let me tell you what my best friend Donz did.

6. Talk to Hunny Bunny, “Yesss honey…hmmm…ahhhhh..uhhhh…ohhh” ( in a very “lovely” and “cute” voice that any fuxing living creature will commit suicide by drinking acid upon hearing it ).

7. Put in Reverse gear and reverse the car backward for 2cm and stop.

8. Continue to chat with “Hunny Bunny” in a “lovely” and “cute” voice and put in 1st gear and move forward for 2cm.

9. Repeat step 7 and 8 for another 20 times.

I look at him with my mouth wide open, “wtf are you doing?!!”. Now tell me if this shit is not weird.

Recently I met this friend of mine again, please allow me to refresh your memory. Normally when you meet an old friend, the standard conversation would be “How’s it going man?”. You greet them first, that’s the first thing you do. If you’ve known human for any length of time, you’ve heard them already and normally human conversations consist of bitching about work, the weather and how we should probably talk about how many times we shit the whole week. But no, not this friend of mine. The first thing that he said to me was, “Bro, are you ready to be saved?”.

I mean seriously, wtf. He’s a chinese by the way, and oh a Christian. If you are from the Christian background or ever come across their teachings, you know what he meant by “saved”. It simply means you have to believe in Jesus if you wanna go to heaven. Get the point? So this dude continues to share the gospel with me which I appreciate it very much because I believe good things are meant to be shared. I am a Christian myself ( well used to be ) and I am open to almost anything and everything, I am willing to listen to good things whether it’s related to religion, insurance, MLM etc. I am cool with it.

But the way this dude doing it is certainly not rite, way too hardcore and hard sell. He tells me what to do, what is rite and what is wrong. Everything is a MUST and it becomes so obvious to me that I have to do what he commands me or I will not end up in heaven. You must believe in Christ or you’ll end up in hell, you are not supposed to believe in other Gods, you can’t smoke, you can’t drink, you can’t go to strip club, you must listen to me, only me can help you.

Shit just doesn’t work that way.

I have read the Bible, prayed and attended church for years during my childhood. I was baptized as well. I don’t think there’s any magic wand that converts people to Christianity or whatever religions. I believe that whatever experience that led an individual to believe probably happened on a personal level, be it a miracle, healing, dreams, voices, signs or anything. So if he insists on trying to save me, at least he should familiarize himself with my perspective before telling me what to do. You don’t walk to a stranger and tell them “Hey dude, you need to be saved!”. You’ll end up in the hospital. Not only you scare the shit out of me, but it makes me violently, shit my pants.

I almost wanted to draw a tiny 666 on my forehead and tell him to leave.

First of all, he has absolutely no right to govern what I do in my private life, religion or whatever that I believe in. If the actions of my private life start to infringe upon the rights of others like raping virgins, stealing other people cows and sacrifice it to my God, then yes you need to save my ass, something is not right about my God. Or if I decide that I want to spend an evening getting retarded drunk and having butt sex, it’s still my private life and you have no right to judge me unless I do it in your house. But the way you telling me that your God is the “One and Only” and if I don’t believe in Him I will definitely go to hell is about as sober of an idea as thinking that all children who play Mario Bros will grow up to enslave other religion kids and pit them in fights to the death.

Religion is a very subjective topic. Religion isn’t something that you can argue on who’s right and who’s wrong because not everyone believes the same thing. I think that religion helps meet various psychological needs, and there are plenty of warm, fuzzy feelings that come along with it. Religions promote good values, whether it’s Christianity, Muslim, Buddhism etc. I am not writing an anger post here, or trying to be hypocrite, I can fully understand why Christians share the gospel with others, it’s a good thing but there is no need to command me what to do and disrespect other beliefs. I know even leaving this conversation, he’ll still think I am not saved and hell-bound. He will continue to share the good news with others, which is a good thing.

I’ll close this thing out with a sincere statement. With all due respect, if you are a Christian or you find this post is disturbing then you are not familiar with the context of the stuff that gets said around here. This is a place where people come to laugh and share our frustrations. I have plenty to sing about. I have nothing against Christians or religions.

You choose Jesus, I choose strippers and booze. At least the strippers don’t come knocking on my door at 8am on a Sunday morning trying to sell on me on the idea of sucking dick.

Open Up And Say AAaaaahhhhh mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri kepada semua pembaca yang beragama islam dan memohon maaf atas kelanjuran kata dan bahasa, yang tersepak, yang terpijak, yang terkutuk, yang terlempang, yang ter-selipar-Jepun dan segala yang ter-apa-apa. Kepada yang balik kampung, ingat, pandu selamat, jiwa selamat. Jangan jadi Mat Rempit dan ingatlah tapao ayam percik atau lemang untuk sahabat yang kesian ini. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfiri Maaf Zahir Batin, angpow hijau besar mari mari.

Kepada yang bukan beragama Islam, sambutlah hari yang mulia ini bersama sama dengan kawan kawan yang beragama islam. Pergi lah lepak atau makan bersama sama kawan kawan yang beragama islam untuk memeriahkan hari yang mulia ini. Dan ingat jugalah jangan minum banyak sangat masa clubbing, jangan nak tunjuk bakat pandu cepat, bahaya. Korang semua ni bukan Superman. Kepada yang keluar outstation holiday, pandu selamat, jangan nak tunjuk taikor kat jalanraya.

Ok la, aku nak gi makan ayam percik dah, korang semua enjoy cuti panjang ni. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin.

That just means I prioritize work first, most of the time. In a very professional way. Which, in my professional opinion (because I am a professional, when it comes to having an opinion) is not a bad thing.

Because work is important.

But Jay Chou is not.

During my working life, I worked in various fields and different positions. Some of my top jobs, sadly, get ruled out because of some shits that are controversial and beyond my control. For example, I could never be in the English Premier League because I’d be better than my best friend Steven Gerrard and I wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings.

But seriously, the one job that I think is making big bucks and I do think I could do is being a standup comedian. This job is so easy, you only need to crack jokes and get paid. You walk in to a club that have lotsa tables ( like the one in Lord Of The Rings where they all ganged up to force Frodo to deliver the gay ring ) full of beers and drunk people, crack some lame jokes and then get paid.

Awesome.

I think I can do this part time and if it goes well I might even consider going pro.

As a comedian, I could even go for a professional meeting like a consultant, crack some jokes and those dude would totally forget about all the agendas. We’ll all end up eating donuts and drinking coffees and of course me getting paid.

Awesome.

Motivational talk? Easy, just tell them “Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic”. End of story and get paid.

Awesome.

Investment? “Invest in a trip to the West Indies for spices like what Christopher Columbus did”. End of story and get paid.

Awesome.

This is serious business and I think I need to make some business cards right away. End of story.

Awesome.

So proud, me.

I wanted to do something a little special to say thank you to all of the readers and Nuffnang but, apparently, my work has an issue with me where I have to travel around Klang Valley giving out individual lap dances. I guess, nevermind then. Bastards.

To the 723666 people who have clicked on this page. Thank you! You’re all screwed in the head and need some major psyche evaluations but thank you anyway.

HK actor “Dai Sor” David Tsui dies at age 54; Most worried about 6 year old son before death

“Dai Sor” David Tsui (Fui-On Shing) passed away the night before yesterday at the age of 54. He spent his last moments with entertainment circle friends Alam Tam, Eric Tsang and Nick Cheung by his bedside bidding farewell. According to sources, before David left the world he persisted to wait for his 6 year old son who he is most worried about to appear first before he could leave peacefully.

David suffered from nasopharyngeal carcinoma (cancer in the nose) which later spread to his liver. The night before (August 27th) at 11:45pm he passed away at the Baptist Hopsital. Many of his entertainment circle good friends rushed to the hospital to see him for the last time, his family accompanied him the whole time by his bedside.

It was acknowledged that David insighted that he was near death, a few days ago he took the initiative and asked to go home. He was at home up until the night before where his condition suddenly became worse, he was rushed back into the hospital. At the hospital, David fell into a coma, was unable to speak or eat, he weighted less than 100 pounds, and had an oxygen mask on to assist breathing. David gave the largest reaction when he heard the voice of his 6 year old son come in. According to sources, that afternoon the 6 year old son called his father to tell him that he was going to play table tennis, David immediately had enough strength to yell out a few words, he waited until his son got off school to visit him. David requested to get off the bed and wanted to accompany his son one more time, but did not have the strength to do so.

Yesterday Eric Tsang wore mournful clothing to public events, he expressed in a sad tone: “Alan called everyone and told us that David cannot go on anymore, he told us to rush to the hospital. When Alan got there, David was still able to say a few things, but when I got there he already got some shots and was not very lively. I saw that it was really hard for him, after 20 more minutes he couldn’t make it.” Eric reveals that David had always had confidence that he was able to fight the cancer, and really can’t bear to just leave like that. Eric continued and said that Doctor Chow already expressed that his condition is not good at all, therapy will need to stop, but David still insisted that he wanted to go home and see his mom and younger brother. Asked about David’s final wishes? Eric frankly said: “I know that he can’t put down his youngest son, but he left very peacefully, his family was by his side.”

David Tsui is survived by two wives, a 30 year old son (with his first wife), a 10 year old grandson, a 6 year old son (with his second wife) and an 81 year old mother. David took care both wives and children very well.

There is currently no arrangements yet for his memorial.

Source: Asian Universe

Doctor Brown ( Back To The Future ):

8:26 : I invented the time machine.

8:48 : then it turns out my wife had already patented it a year earlier!

9:01 : Guess that means she’s going to find out I’ve been tapping her sister.

Arnold schwarzenegger:

1.23 : I think I have a cool name.

1.32 : There’s some poor schmuck in Bosnia right now googling how to pronounce it.

Our Prime Minister:

10.12 : I am standing at a podium in a gigantic stadium.

10.14 : which has 12 people in it.

10.17 : and the microphone is making that feedback noise while I tap it and say “is this thing on?”.

Van Damme:

13.12 : I just installed Chessmaster.

13:14 : I am going to play chess with my computer.

13:30 : My computer beat the shit out of me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

13:32 : I am going to buy a new computer.

Jay Chou:

20.33 : Think I’m gonna get high before the concert. I don’t know, maybe steroids or acid. I really don’t know.

20.40 : Oh wait a min, don’t think I need em cause I get the same effect by wearing uniforms made from lycra, wear bright red codpieces and a cape.

23:21 : Plenty of chicks at the concert tonite, think I’m gonna throw a party for these bitches.

23:30 : cleaning up afterward might be a bitch, forget it.

I’ve got four words to sum my feelings up on that: shut the fux up!

I don’t get why any person of normal intelligence would do such a stupid thing. Another new shit Facebook should do – No one is allowed to post or take any quizzes on Facebook anymore. It is quite possibly the most annoying shitty feature on Facebook. I don’t need to know which Michael Jackson or Jay Chou song matches your personality, how Bangla you are, or how horny you are. Just stop.

I guess this rant is all for nothing though, because people still go poke around on Facebook, updating their status every minutes and taking quizzes, even though it’s absolutely ridiculous.

Every time when people talk about iPhone, they get so excited. This shit is like a marvel of the modern age. They are neat. Cute too. I don’t have one anyway. Instead, I’ve been making due with a cellphone that I believe began it’s life as a hand-cranked walkie-talkie from the Vietnam War. It’s the size of a dildo and the reception is like trying to shout over a Bon Jovi’s concert made of static, but hey it gets the job done. Sort of. Oh, and it doesn’t take beautiful or high resolution pictures like your DSLR cameras, but if you’re willing to sit still for three hours, it WILL sketch out a nice caricature for you. Usually it’s pretty pornographic. My phone has a lot of problems and now I have decided to get a new one.

OK seriously, I am undecided on which to buy – the iPhone 3G or Blackberry Bold. If there’s anyone out there with a background or experience using any of em, I hope you can help me to choose. It’s an urgent matter, so you know sooner would better. And, of course, thanks for the trouble and I want you to know I’ve never said a bad things bout you. I think you’re all quite attractive. And oh yah, you might ask me “Tell me what are the criteria you’re looking at”. The first thing I want is to check my email to see if Angelina Jolie emails me. No, I’m serious. I check my email every 23 seconds.

Let’s just fuxing vote. I know a lot of you won’t vote because you’re lazy and clicking the mouse once more is simply too much if you’re not looking at porn, but trust me, voting can be fun. So do it. Let the voting begin!

And if you didn’t vote, I have just one thing to say to you: You can forget about me sending you that 568Gig porns on my multiple hard disks for your birthday.

I’ll keep it right where it belongs – under my bed.

A not-patriotic citizen’s ( like me ) Merdeka typically goes like this:

1) Sit on the couch and drink. Milk.

2) Watch TV and try to avoid any and all interaction with family members, especially my father, who has a problem with remembering to zip his pants.

3)  Continue to watch TV, maybe CSI, I don’t know, and try to avoid my Dad, while simultaneously answering everyone else’s 58 questions about why I hate Jay Chow.

4) After answering all of those questions, have someone ask me “But Jay Chow is a band member of Guns N Roses rite?”

5) Eat egg tart then try to pass out. Hope Dad doesn’t notice and accuse me of being one of those hippies or something while his zipper is down.

Happy Merdeka people, see you next week.

I like your white shirt. It’s nice and it says, “I am a geek, don’t mess with me.” I respect a man with a message. But dude, I think we need to talk.

It’s everyone’s worst nitemare to get stucked in a marathon training without a break. We don’t quite like the idea of spending nine hours holed up in a room looking at the presentation slides. Even worse, much of the training content is so generic and way too techie, not to mention there were no chicks and beers. You don’t go to a training without beers. I know I know, we are not supposed to have beers in the training room, we are supposed to be professional rite? But you see, the people in my office, almost all of us love hot chicks and beers.

What I am trying to say is that hot chicks and beers bring the office together. And when we are happy, we don’t mind spending even 18hours with you going through the presentation slides. We will be much more focused on the training to become the perfect combination of warrior and acrobat, honing our reflexes and strength into one compact, bendy organism that could take on entire armies of Orcs and win in spectacular fashion.

But you don’t care, do you? You never bother to look at the time or even announce a short break or smoke break, whatever. In fact we all sacrificed our meetings and happy hours just to see what you have in store for us.

And then we stucked with you for nine hours.

Without break.

We understand sugar prices are high and the H1N1 mean we need to ration certain things. But if you ever walk into this office with another marathon training without hot chicks and beers ( forget bout the break if you have these two ), I swear to KingKong I will rip that shirt off you and burn it with the projector.

Thanks for your time.

Me: Leaving to office soon, why? You don’t call me at 8.30am just to ask me if I’m OK rite? Apa mau?

My Sister: Somebody called me just now, he called me “jie” and I thought it was you. But when I look at the number, it wasn’t your number.

Me: I didn’t call you. Wtf you can’t recognize my voice?

My Sister: That’s why I call you to confirm la, he said he was kidnapped and those kidnappers demanded for 50k!

Me: Then you tell them wrong number la, tell them your brother died long time ago.

My Sister: I thought it was you, that’s why worry mah.

Me: Who the fux wanna kidnap me? You think our father rich man ah?

My Sister: *10 seconds dumb fuxed* so it wasn’t you la huh? okok bye.

After 10 seconds she hung up, I tried to be funny and called her back.

Me: Jie! I kena kidnapped, those fuxers want 60k ransom! CASH! I come your office take now!

My Sister: My brother died long time ago. Bye bye.

She’s a fuxing fast learner.

10) You make porn look romantic. You make the Karma Sutra cry in a million different positions. And you think Karma is a bitch.

9) You’re well aware of my immense admiration and “dreams” for Angelina Jolie.

You know I get a massive erection when I see girls wearing Liverpool’s jersey.

7) You’ve felt encouraged by me to use the word “fux” and even considered getting into the porn business. Two and a half inches doesn’t get you into the porn business. Believe me I’ve tried.

6) Since you’ve started reading this blog, your confidence level has increased and you are now referring to yourself as “AWESOME”.

5) You realized I am only good with “Ni Hao ma?” simply because my Mandarin sux donkey balls.

4)You have stopped doing housework because you believe my idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

3) You know I am super rich because every fuxing day there is this Nigerian dude who tried to give me 25 million dollars. He emailed me actually.

2) You know I like to make people laugh through this blog. Life is not a laughing matter – but can you imagine having to live without laughing?

And the number one sign you’re a regular around here is…

1) When you see Liverpool playing on TV- you check the score and then realize that if they’re winning, I’m having a great day- if they’re losing, you feel my pain and sorrow.

The first thing that I hate about Facebook is the “Poke”. The concept behind Poke sounded to me like an incredibly retarded idea. If I want to poke someone, I’ll do it in real life. Another thing I hate bout Facebook is the retarded application notice. Those notice basically sends a message to someone telling them that you did something with them. For example, “Nin Lau Bu has robbed a bank with you”. No no no no Nin Lau Bu, I am innocent, I didn’t rob shits.

Those applications in Facebook can be addictive. Exactly a couple of months ago I was addicted to MobWars. I know some of you dudes are playing Mafia Wars, it’s almost the same concept. I couldn’t stop playing. Or rather, I just didn’t want to. I was staying up nites and not doing my work when I should have been, robbing banks, smuggling weapons, dealing drugs, attacking other mobsters, killing people for bounties. I was determined to be the number one. The funny thing is, I was actually recruiting total strangers, psychos and rapists to be in my mob. Some of these kiddos are really nasty, they intend to be the number one bad ass and they’ll leave you notes like “yo yo yo mamamia let’s dominate the fuxing world!” or “ay yo trip! let’s throw some shits on this biatch” and some other lame shits. Even until now, I still get names like “Really Gangsta Nigga” sending me friend request with a note saying “Mobwars motherfuxer!, add me!”.

Almost everyone I know is on Facebook, even my friend’s father is on Facebook. Luckily mine is not. Imagine your father who is on your Facebook and makes comments on your drunk photos like “I think I need to teach you about the birds and the bees.” If my parents were on Facebook, I would die. They don’t even know about my blog and I prefer to keep it that way.

Another funny shits bout Facebook is your relationship status. Mine is “Single” and I got this friend who had his relationship status set as “It’s Complicated” which prompted his girlfriend to write on his wall, “What the hell do you mean it’s complicated?”. God bless.

But of course, there are wonderful things about Facebook. I had a recent training and everyone had out their cameras. The next morning I was tagged in about one million photos. Facebook has also reunited me with old friends, old school mates and colleagues.

I strongly believe Facebook is the only thing that will survive the apocalypse, along with MobWars and cockroaches. And I hope Facebook reunites me with my rich twin brother I never knew about.

The rules of these awards are:

1. To accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his/her blog link.
2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve discovered and think are great! Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Continuing the tradition, I will pass it to:

1. Ros Is Powered By Trance

2. Sarcasm : The Way Of Life

3. In Luv With

4. Random Stuff From Wing Loon

5. Simon & Jun Life Journey

6. Hana Closet

7. ~Donna*Dolly~

8. KenWooi

9. Me Gusta Naranja

10. Elaine & Jenny

11. JC In Da House

12. Stereo Manic

13. This Is The Mad Style

14. 3iLinG

15. -Being Me-

With that said, I hope to win the Dullest Funniest Blog ( if there is one ) in the future because I think I am insanely competitive. I will sweep all categories and my acceptance speech will be delivered from a men’s room where a drifter just died. See you all on the red carpet! So if you think I am up to it, please vote for me, and if you do, I promise you a goat, a chicken and a virgin. Now that’s incentive.

Dear The Taukeh at Jack Daniels,

My name is Marcus and I am writing to inform you of a special, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Because today is my birthday, every year on my birthday myself and a collection of the finest individuals on the planet perform drinking your whiskey at a local establishment. It was during this time that I realized I have Talent Of Getting Really Drunk. As a label that has produced some of my drunk sessions, I wanted to offer you the chance to be the first to witness my genius, and therefore sign me to a multi-year, multi-million dollar ambassador deal. I feel I possess all the attributes of any Fantastic Drunk Ambassador, and have provided photograpic evidence and my talents below.

For your information, this is definitely not me ( in case you are curious ) but pretty close. I remember when me and Jack were pals. We’d hang out on birthdays and he would give me a good time. Let’s go down the list.

1) There were no survivors in every birthday celebration.

2) On my 21st birthday, being the passageway into legalized alcoholism, I did a grand Flaming Lamborghini session climbing on top of the bar and slept for the next 3 days after that nite.

3) I strongly believe that birthday + drinking = the greatest night in the history of the universe. OK, that may have been a little much since the Universe has like 4 or 5 planets or something, but anyways it is great to drink on your birthday and most of the time before I go party I don’t eat much. My mom always says, “When you don’t eat, you get drunk.” What a fuxing terrible slogan. I’ll be putting it on t-shirts.

4) I can even be part of a sexy boy band as long as I am the lead singer who everyone likes. I have the ability to sing when I consumed so much alcohol I can’t even see straight, which is critical to all Rock Stars.

As you can see, my resume is fantastically awesome and I am going to be fuxing successful. This is your first and last chance Taukeh. Sign me or regret it for the rest of your life. As for starting, I demand a Ferrari, a 39 storey bungalow, 2 million in cash, a life time supply of Jack Daniels and a virgin for my signing fee.

Yours Sincerely,
Marcus

We are cool.

Last night the question “Can a guy and a girl really just be good friends and nothing more?” came up. This is a very subjective question. I know the whole Titanic shits but this is real life, not a movie. And no, I will not fuxing jump when that bitch goes high on steroid and decided to jump. People like Rose is so fuxing emo, jumping is not the solution young girl. If it was a movie I kind of want it to be Lord Of The Rings. I always wanted to kick some Orc’s ass with my shiny sword and eating a chicken drumstick every time I pwned one Orc. Where was I? Yes.

I have a lot of girl friends ( friends who are girl – the opposite sex ) and they are cool with me, we hang out together, drink together and they are just friends, nothing more. I know, every fuxing relationship starts from friendship. I’m not going to regale you with stories of my ex girl friends all started from friendship but it’s kinda weird for me to fall for friends. I tried asking them if they would like to date or be my girlfriend and 99.9 percent of them said they would rather date, be steady or make out with an elephant.

Fuxing bitches ( yah they are reading this ). Luckily Shakira is not my friend.

You see, the thing is most of us guys are asshole. Guys and girls can be friends without wanting each other, but the guy usually wants to be with the girl, physically or not. Shits happen sometimes. I read this once from Discovery Channel. The difference between guys and girls is that girls are not so “vulnerable”. They might fall for a friend but keep it secretly and unlike guys we blurt out our feelings fuxing fast. And we are “vulnerable” and fall easily. I’ve seen many of my friends ruined more than one friendship by saying, “I think I’m in love with you, let’s work this shit out” and the girl went, “You are kidding rite?” and shits really happened and he went home and listen to Jay Chow’s songs 452 times.

I’m also pretty sure that most girls that hang out with guys are “perasan”. When a dude asks them out for movie or dinner, in the back of their mind, they thought this dude is going after her. Sorry girls, just pointing out the facts. I’m pretty upfront about everything. If I like a girl, I will tell her. If I think you’re an asshole, I will tell you.

OK you’re an asshole.

So I helped. I immediately helped her to pickup all her goods and she is shocked.

“Wow you are such a nice guy”.

She gives me that Wow-You-Just-Gave-Me-A-Million-Dollar kinda look.

I don’t know if she’s serious or she’s high on steroid but Hello…there are nice, excellent and awesome people left in this world. I’m a shining example of nice, excellent and awesome people. Sure it may not be too nice, excellent and awesome, but I think I’m close.

I climb rainbows for a living, I know you guys are nice too and with that, awesome people like u and me AND with our powers combined, we form Planet Awesome.

So please be patient with the blog for a bit, as some things might look kinda fuxed up at times.  Well, more fuxed up than usual I should say. So I see you guys tomorrow and oh by the way, can somebody please buy me some snacks and beers, I’m watching the Chelsea – MU game now. Thanks

Thanks.

25th October 1987 – 30th July 2008

One year has passed. I miss you now as much as I missed you one year ago. You have brought us joy and love, and you will keep on giving us joy and love with all the magic memories you have left us with. I am very proud and privileged to be your brother. You will be in my heart forever and will always be with us no matter where we are, until we are all together again. Rest in peace sis, I know what you want me to do with my life and rest assured that I am doing it and I will live my life with no regrets. Spread your wings and fly, my little angel.

I have no opinions about this movie, the poster itself, or anything having to do with adventures and what it’s like to raid tombs. I just want to take this opportunity to tell you how much I would like to touch Angelina Jolie’s boobs.

Very much.

I would like very much to touch Angelina Jolie’s boobs. If anyone could facilitate this, I would be happy to pay you upwards of 50 bucks and buy you one bucket of beer. Thanks in advance for your help in introducing my hands to Angelina Jolie’s boobs. My hands appreciate it and I appreciate it. Angelina Jolie might be less than enthused, but this is only about her a little bit. It’s mostly about her boobs.

I know, fuxing pervert.

It is often claimed that vegetarians live longer than non-vegetarians. I don’t know how true is this but there are a lot of researches out there claiming a vegetarian lives longer. So congratulation if you are a vegetarian, you are more likely to be healthy and live a longer life.

“Vegetarian food leaves a deep impression on our nature. If the whole world adopts vegetarianism, it can change the destiny of humankind” – Albert Einstein.

I believe Einstein was high on steroid and messed up his formula, otherwise he would be guest blogging here. I eat a lot of meat and the last time I checked, chicken, beef, duck and pig are not categorized as vegetables. I am not against vegetarian, they are cool, but what I’m emphasizing here is a classic case of confusing correlation with causation.

If you look back at history, our genetic ancestors fought and died for us to reach this point. They survived by hunting animals, you have any idea how tough is it to hunt some big fat ass animal? It takes dedication and skill, it might takes day, week or even month to hunt down one. And I strongly believe if our great caveman ancestors watch you turn away a juicy steak, he’d smack you on the head with his wooden club. We’re on top of the food chain. All the other animals envy and want to be like us. Don’t believe me? Just look a cow in the eyes and tell me he doesn’t wish he had the ability to kill and eat anything he wanted.

So if you are a vegetarian, try not to eat with me, I’ll fuxing slap you with a large fish and if you are a virgin, I’ll sacrifice you to the great Lord Kukululu.

Friends again? Can kawan balik or not?

So you see, I am a Very Important Person at the office. This means that I get to pick my own office stationery. So when my HR chick recently asked me if she should order me a couple of new stationery, and being a poor and greedy fuxer like me, I instantly said yes without thinking twice. I filled up the request form and the good stuff arrived a few hours later. I got a new pen ( blue, black and red – we need all sort of colors rite?  ), new stapler, new puncher, new pencil, new liquid paper, new marker, new folder, new name card case and a new small file cabinet. Problem is, the small file cabinet is not assembled, it’s like a Do-It-Yourself kinda shit.

Me: This cabinet looks cute, so you gonna help me assemble this cutie?

HR chick: Nononononono, you do it yourself.

Apparently, I am not a Very Important Person.

I thought to myself, I used to be the number one ranked player in my school chess team when I was 10, I could certainly put together a couple of cutie little file cabinets with no sweat. Little did I know that I had not much idea what I was doing. My dad taught me a long time ago that to start building something, you need to separate the pieces and look at the user manual. User manual? HAHAHAHA. Ya talking to a pro yo!

I dumped out all the contents of the box and tried to figure it out on my own. I looked at all the pieces and tried to solve this puzzle. I failed. I tried again and failed, more miserable this time. Now my little file cabinet looks like Godzilla has trampled Tokyo. It was a mess.

After a few minutes of staring at the mess, I realized that a quick glance at the manual wouldn’t hurt.

Dad was right.

Sure enough, I should have read the manual. If only I read the manual earlier, I wouldn’t have so much troubles, I wouldn’t use the wrong parts at least 54 times and I would’ve figure out what where and how. I eventually started to figure out how to setup this cutie. The further I got into the project, the easier it got. It’s like constructing a brand new kick ass Autobots.

A couple of hours later, I finally managed to set it up. I finally got to use the file cabinet for its intended purpose and of course to make me feel again like a Very Important Person.

But somehow, I have one extra screw here. The cabinet’s gonna be OK with one screw lesser rite?

p/s: for the good sake of all Autobots, I deleted the last post.

Anyway, take a look at the below picture.

This is the guy who has a voice like a motherfuxing atom bomb. This is also the guy who makes us think about backside gays. I have no idea why this dude ended up 2nd in American Idol, he was clearly more talented than the others. I hope it’s not because of his makeup. And some Kris dude who’s got a nice voice and also talented but somehow, I think he smells like Jay Chow’s balls. He is the kinda dude that you don’t wanna hang out with.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a fan of any of them. They both sing very well but I feel that Adam totally outshined that Kris dude. I think it has something to do with Adam’s “soft” side, you know people want their champ to be a role model. Or maybe they are just afraid a gay champ will make them gay with their gay power. Adam is clearly one of the biggest threats to this world. He should have had to pay infinity billion dollars and spend the rest of his life in Guantanamo Bay.

Doesn’t matter if you are Adam or Kris, if you wanna make big bucks selling your albums, just call it “Jackonator”, “Jackoformer”, “Jackoverine” or whatever related to Jacko. People are buying anything that mentions Jacko nowadays – a plain white box will do for shipping, and when people call for refunds, say “Just Beat It!”.

Let’s not talk about America, it’s Friday again people! I am going to celebrate by drinking tons of Heineken, hollering at every school girls that walk by and eating as much Burger King as I possibly can. Maybe I’ll take a walk in the zoo and look at some lion’s ass. No, I’m serious bout the lion ( not the ass ), when I was a kid I always wanted a lion as a pet. I don’t know why, probably because I’m a Leo.

But instead I ended up getting different pets, which never came close to equaling the vision of greatness I had when I saw myself riding a lion to school every day. Imagine how cool it would be riding a lion to school. Those chicks are gonna dig me for sure. I started out with fish. Fighting fish. I bought one male fighting fish and since he was lonely I decided to buy a female fighting fish and put them in the same aquarium. Shits happened.

When the fighting fish went to heaven, I got a turtle. They just fuxing sit there. I remember staring at them everyday when I finally realized that they hadn’t moved in a week. I think they don’t have the energy to move because I forgot to feed them.

After that I got a caterpillar from my cousin because, rumor had it, caterpillar turns into beautiful butterfly. My caterpillar turned into dead caterpillar in two days.

Now I’m thinking to get a puppy.

And maybe a lion.

The following week, you go to the bar with your 3 friends again. Hot chick and her friends are there too. They come to your table and you got to know all of them. Your friend claims hot chick is his girlfriend. You talk with hot chick and she thinks you are cool. You crack joke, you make her laugh, she likes you and dances with you. Later on she tells you that she likes you, regrettably, you are better looking than your friend and she’s loving you. But you, being a good friend, decide not to do anything since hot chick is your friend’s girlfriend. Needless to say, you leave the bar without female accompaniment.

The next day, another friend ( who is also in the group and is talking with one of hot chick’s friend ) calls you for drink. He tells you that hot chick is into you. He also tells you that hot chick wants your number but your asshole friend refuses to give her your number. Now, you have a situation, it’s either:

1) Hot chick is fuxing around with your group of friends and this will lead to internal conflict.

2) Hot chick doesn’t dig your asshole friend but somehow your asshole friend thinks hot chick is digging him.

What will you do?

Nice. Not again. Sorry for the slow updates.

Anyway, I used to play a lot of chess.

Ever since I was small, my brother taught and trained me. I remember my brother used to show off his trophies that he won from some chess tournaments and he always told me how exciting it was. I knew after seeing the chess pieces, the chess board, all the chick’s phone number he got from the tournament and the chess clock for the first time, that chess was something I could really get into. So I did.

By the way, I lied bout the phone number.

I remember I started representing my school when I was in standard 4. I was awesome. No one was paying attention to me until I started to kick everyone’s ass. I represented my primary school chess team for 3 consecutive years playing both Team ( 1st Board ) and Individual event and NEVER lost a single game in any tournament. I was invincible and became everyone’s worse nitemare.

At the tender age of 10, I already started to enroll in all the local chess tournaments. Most of these tournaments are 2 days event on every weekends. I used to go there with Donz and the rest of my chess buddies. We wake up early in the morning, take bus to the event and play through the tough two days event. The first time I played in tournament I felt awkward and exciting. I can’t even explain the adrenaline that pumps through my body. My heart was beating fast, I was sweating and wondering if I could win. I really can’t put the experience into words. After the handshake, it’s time to go to work. I settled down and honestly, I did great. I don’t remember those games vividly but I remember losing one or two, winning the next few rounds and barely losing anymore after that. I did this every Saturday and Sunday for 8 fuxing years, imagine the amount of trophies I have at home.

Fast Forward to High School, I was entering all the huge tournaments and everyone knew my name. My move wasn’t to be fuxed with. I represented Klang, Selangor and Malaysia in the World Junior Championship but later I was removed from the Malaysian squad due to insufficient fund. That was by far, my biggest dissapointment. Later on I was trained by the Malaysian International Master. I could play more than 10 games simultaneously and I could play Chess Mind ( playing chess by visualiazing the chess pieces and remembering the moves ) up to about 15-20 moves.

My most memorable experience would be playing with one of the World Champion contender from Russia, Vassily Ivancuk ( he was ranked no.3 in the world ) and meeting Former World Champion and other Russian Grandmasters. The other one would be winning the team event as joint champion with one of the Malaysia strongest team, we were known as “Chess Killers”. Pretty lame name but we were kids and kids are supposed to be lame.

Now who wants to play chess with me? Loser buys the beer. Checkmate!

Don’t you get the feeling that if Michael Jackson had somehow been able to come out of his terrible upbringing without being so troubled, everything would be a little bit better? Michael Jackson is like our childhood icon, our idol. I know he was weird, I couldn’t figure out if he was black or white but his music and performance rox. Just look at how he grabbed his balls.

You may hate him but this dude is really something. When I was younger, I tried to moonwalk everyday. That shit is hard, harder than singing She Bangs like William Hung. I wanted to learn moonwalk so I could moonwalk in circles around the cops until he got so dizzy and passed out when he caught me for DUI. And when he would’ve woken up, he’d have forgotten about the whole thing. That’s the power of moonwalk people.

This place is getting depressing, come on stop crying it’s Friday people. Let us all grab some beers, do some moonwalk and sing Beat It.

I mean come on, this blog is supposed to be funny and it’s all about Super Heroes rite? Like Batman. And in fact, I just talked to Batman and he locked himself in his room and is crying. I tried to talk to him but he just kept screaming, “WTF! No one search for Batman?!” and playing Nirvana Territorial Pissing song really loud.

Batman is sensitive.

And while we’re on the subject of searches and keywords, I wonder who are those crackheads that did a search on “Ass Anal”. I know we live in a world filled of porn now, threesomes have become much more acceptable and I fuxing appreciate the visit but I don’t want my site popping up as a relevant link when they are searching this great internet thingy for porn – ass and anal to be particular.

They could be sixteen years old, they should be watching cartoons.

I think I should be more careful with my words and this is something that I should safeguard in earnest. My reputation will either build or diminish and this will directly impact my ability to date some hot chicks, bring in PlayBoy sponsorship and attract amateur pornstar. With that in mind, I hope no more visits from “Ass” and “Anal” anymore and I’ll try my best not to write anything related to “Ass” and “Anal”. I’ll try.

Maybe not.

yah that was me, with the white dot on the face

Take a look at these 2 pictures for a minute or two and tell me the hair on the back of your neck doesn’t stand on end, that your pets don’t start to freak out a little bit, that your bowels and bladder don’t loosen and now you’ve ruined your favorite computer chair.

Girls, I know how you feel. I know everything bout long hair, I kept it for almost 4 years. It might not look TOO long but unfortunately these are the only 2 long hair photos I managed to discover and let me tell you, it’s super long – my hair measured all the way down to my ass. I’m not joking. It was that LONG.

Keeping long hair is a pain in the ass to deal with. First of all, washing it takes ages. I always like to separate my hair into two halves like pigtails. How cute. The only thing I hate when washing it is getting your hair stucked. This always happens with long hairs, you know, you take a wrong turn while washing it, and all of the sudden your hair is hanging out with each other and telling stories about their day and pulling out their keyboard to show you a new song they wrote about their ex-girlfriend. It really sux.

When I got out of the shower, I would comb my hair and let it dry naturally which takes about, approximately, 2 hours and 43 minutes. Talking bout dudes with long hair, now that I have short hair, you know what I hate the most about dudes with long hair? The worst part about men with long hair is that they walk around swishing it side to side, especially when the wind blows, you know like those ada-gaya Chinese Heroes with long hair. Or Cheng E Kin in Young And Dangerous. Yah those type.

I miss my long hair, really, I miss playing with it, I miss headbanging with it.

Like sex and beers.

So anyway, someday, I want to have kids. No I’m not married yet and girls, feel free to write to me. It’s not that I’m desperate for kids or getting married, I’m supposed to be talking about this kind of stuff instead of how Superman doesn’t really need to wear that red undie, he probably just thinks it looks cool.

I love to have my own kids, preferrably with dicks.  I want a couple little Marcuses running around the street so that everyone forgets about me and when I die they say, “Well,  Marcus, he was a complete asshole.  But his boys are fine, they are the best. Why, the other day I saw one of them kena detained from school and his dad never minded it though, because his dad thought detention was basically a meeting of all the cool kids”.

I don’t know if I can be a good dad but I’m pretty sure my kids are gonna be cool. When little Sean ( Don’t you steal that name! I’ll kill you! ) plays in his first football game, because he’s a star athlete of course, and some of the parents ask me how did I train my kids, I don’t think there’s anyway I could not laugh in their faces before telling them, “You know it’s in the damn gene, your poor kids looked like they had the cultural I.Q. of someone who just staggered out of a sheep orgy.” Or maybe when little Sean performs his first guitar solo, all the girls will get wet and start asking me for his number and I’ll get little emotional and tell them why Rafael is the best ninja turtle.

Small girls dig Ninja Turtles.

Being a parent is not easy, you gotta teach them manners. Before kids can talk, they are already learning by your actions. The more you set the example of being polite and appreciative, the more likely your children will follow suit. But as far as me relating to other parents, good parents I mean, that’s where things will probably go not-so-good. This is because I don’t think I’ll be very good at all the political things that come with having kids in school. At the parent and teacher meeting, I’ll probably be more concerned if there’s free beer. High comedy, I’m telling you.

I’m getting old and have maybe few good years left in me. After that I am retiring and heading off to the nursing home where I am going to fuxing dominate some old grandpas in Dota. Yes, my time on this planet is almost over. It’s been a good run. Had some ups and downs. Touched a boob once in the 90′s (it was huge!) and have seen every episode of Heroes.

Have a good weekend people, I gotta buy some pampers for my future kids.

Now if you are new to karaoke and you wanna outshine everyone in the room, listen closely – this shit is more important than your SPM.

1) Make sure you know the song that you want to sing. You don’t wanna sing Mariah Carey “I Can’t Live….” and ended up singing “Ken Lee”.

2) If you are thinking to introduce yourself with William Hung “She Bangs” then the FIRST thing you should do is grab a piece of paper and a pen, and walk into the bathroom right now. Make sure the light is on. Then write “SOHAI” on the paper. Next, hold the piece of paper in front of the mirror and look at yourself in the mirror. Just fuxing stare at the mirror for 2 minutes and 32 seconds. Now that you have a clear picture of what a SOHAI looks like, carefully take your right hand and bitch slap yourself.

3) In the case that, after tips number 2, you still think you wanna do William Hung “She Bangs” then repeat the same steps as mentioned in tips number 2. Repeat until the SOHAI-ness has been slapped out of you.

4) If you can’t sing well then don’t choose those high pitch songs from singers like Bon Jovi. Trust me, this is for your own good. Leave it to the pro and instead choose something easier like Vanilla Ice “Ice Ice Baby”. And again, trust me – girls dig this song. If they don’t, then you might wanna consider Elvis Presley’s “Love Me Tender”.

5) When you are singing fast songs, DO NOT SIT AND SING. Karaoke is supposed to be fun and it brings people together rite? Get the crowd involved and say something like “Everybody says HoOOOOO” or “Put your hands up in the air!!!!!!!!!!”. If you get no reaction from the crowd, you probably wanna smell your armpit till you faint.

6) If you are singing a slow love song, I know you are drunk but please stop drinking for 42 seconds. It adds more dramatic effect. And if you are drunk and you think MC Hammer “You Can’t Touch This” is a love song, remember tips 2 I gave to the William Hung dude, where I told him to bring a pen and paper into the bathroom? I think you need to call him, maybe the two of you can go into the bathroom together.

Now where’s my mic?

That might be a lie.

But I did kiss a girl once. You know high school years are great.

My first kiss happened on a full moon ( stop howling asshole ) outside her house. I was in high school and it seemed like everyone else in my school had taken things to the next level.  Except me. I got to know this girl and eventually she became my girlfriend. Real girlfriend I mean, not those when we were in primary school “Oi you show me yours and I’ll show you mine” that kinda games. This is the real thing where we pledge our love to the sky blue, mark it in indelible ink and sign a contract in blood that we will be together forever.

Yah rite.

We went out for a couple of months but not even a single kiss, only holding hands. Every time I thought about making the first move, I chickened out. And then there was one time, we were dating and it got late so I told her it would be better if I walk her home. It sounded like a good plan. She agreed.

Can I continue this post next week? Okok damnit, stop throwing those shoes!

As we were walking home, I couldn’t figure out the “kissing plan” and instead I was bouncing around like a hyperactive monkey.

I think it has something to do with my hormones.

So we kept walking and I kept bouncing, I was stalling for time but time was running out. We reached her house. It was then I stopped bouncing. This is the moment of truth. I held her hand and as I tried to move forward, her dad came out and called her to come in the house.

Damm kau potong stim.

As soon as her dad turned his back on us, I held her hand again and this time I looked rite into her eyes. It was now or never. I grabbed her with my arms and I kissed her rite on the lips. She tried to elude me ( she was afraid her dad would see it ) until I finally tackled her, pinning her small body down until she relented. I think it lasted around 10 seconds. And by the way if you are curious, let me assure you it has nothing to do with tongue, just a kiss on the lips. That’s it.

After the infantile kiss rape was over, I got back up and kept bouncing around. As I was walking back home, I was elated, adrenalin was pumping, I was happy, I lost my virginity, I mean my first kiss. Everytime I thought bout the kiss, my mind was twisting and mingling with my own. Yes the spell was broken.

Since then, I’ve never kissed anyone.

Ok I was lying, I kissed a few others.

Okok, many others.

Long long time ago, I took this girl on a date once. Lets call her…well lets not call her anything. To make this long story short, I took her to a really nice restaurant for dinner. You know the usual date, dinner, drinks, movies, walk around the park. A super romantic nite complete with great conversation. To make this story really really really short, I drove her home, walk her to her door and ermm…I wanted to confess to her that I actually like her.

The guy at the back there, yah you, stfu and stop laughing! I know you are damnit!

So anyway, this is what I can recall:

Her : It’s really fun tonite, thanks for everything.

Me  : Yah it was fun, I had a good time too. And errmm…..you know, we’ve been going out for quite some time and errmm…look, I wanna tell you something.

Her : It’s getting late now, why don’t you tell me some other time?

Me  : No, it’s important and I’ll make it a quick one. I just wanna tell you that I like you. Do you think maybe we could…

Her : I wanted to tell you something too. I like you and you are cool but I just wanna be friends.

Me  : Only friends? Then why are you going out with me? After all these dates, after all those hands holding, friends?

Her : I don’t know but I only wanna be friends.

I seriously wanted to run home and play dead. And the next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they write about me in all the dead columns. I mean, WTF. Honestly, how hard is it to say NO? There is no way she could do it without hurting my feelings, but I would really apperciate it if she could just be nice and tell me bout it. Just don’t string me along and waste my time.

I can fell the love already. It feels just like a tazer to the left testicle.

Now stop looking at that stain on my pants. It’s just water, I swear.

Having said that, it’s been one hell of a ride. I started this crappy blog almost four years ago and in that time, I think I’ve presented you guys with a fair representation of what exactly it’s like to be the asshole me. Day in, day out, come rain or come shine, I’ve been here sharing my crappy experience and craps on you pleasant smelling people. I had no idea the people it would bring to me, the laughs I’d have, and the things I’d learn. I’ve made connections with total strangers who have shared their lives with me, and shared my life in turn. I had so much fun sharing my warped sense of humor and twisted mind with you all.

Seriously, writing this blog has changed me as a person. It was better than therapy, cheaper too. I want to thank all the people that helped me through my shittiest time, I can’t thank those people enough and I will never forget them. I would also like to thank everyone who ever linked to me, commented or visited. Thank you! You’re all screwed in the head and need some major psyche evaluations but thank you anyway.

I guess that’s about it, I can’t type anymore. I am sitting in a reverent pose, head bowed to all of you.

Last nite, I dreamt of a girl, she’s pretty cute and she was cooking in a very unorthodox weird way. I saw her laying some rice on a table full of ice, not those cube ice but those “cendol” ice. And then she puts another layer of egg on top of the rice and wrap it up like Nasi Pattaya. She told me I gotta balance all the ingredients by stepping on it and then it happened. She got up from her seat and karate kick the rice and eggs.

I’m not sure if she’s high on steroid.

Moment later, her final masterpiece was done. It was like an ice statue with eggs and rice in it. Needless to say, I was stunned. But the people there were enjoying it and even one Angmoh asked her for the recipe but she rejected him. She couldn’t speak English by the way and I was the translator. She walked towards me and said “This is your destiny”. And before she left, she gave me the recipe.

So the next day ( which is today ), I actually tried to eat a bowl of rice with eggs and ice and it was horrible.

So what now? Am I supposed to be a chef or something?

After all, sometimes dreams are greatly influenced by the 6 big bottles of Carlsberg I had before I went to bed.

I really admire my tenacity. But I’m getting old. When you are 30 and if you haven’t made it as a rock star by now, I’d say it’s time to get a job.

I think we did pretty OK, we had few gigs, some chicks came to us with flowers, we were in Asia Bagus and we wrote few own tracks. Even now though, as I am getting older, I still wish I had somehow become a rock star, if for no other reason than it is decidedly cooler than being a blogger. Anything a rock star does has always and will always be met with applause, while it can be quite the opposite with being a blogger.  Especially one like me, who has never written a single damn cool post other than craps.

To be a rockstar is not easy, there are few important criterias:

1. You need to be an asshole, which means you have to thrash the hotel room. Punch the chair, piss on the bed and pay the huge bill. Girls dig bad ass remember.

2. You need to have at least 24 tattoos, doesn’t matter if it’s snake or dragon just fuxing tatt it. The more the better, to show that you are part of the establishment and you really rock.

3. You have to be on pretty good terms with Satan to truly be a rock star, I’m not saying you have to know the guy personally or anything, but he has to be like your childhood friends who would suggest playing hide-n-seek, then promptly stand behind a stop sign when it was their turn to hide. They’re great at starting something up, but the follow through leaves you disappointed and confused.

4. You gotta have your own eye make up ( for very manly reasons ) and you could probably get a black van to go on tour with, as long as you promise to gas it up and clean out the vomit bags and condoms before returning it.

5. Most importantly, you gotta have your own identity, your own style. You don’t want people to copy you. Many times my friends and I visited the local karaoke place and I would say this is a once in a while thing, but most nights end up with someone singing “Living on a Prayer” by someone that is most definitely not Bon Jovi and most definitely is drunk. If it was a drunk Bon Jovi singing his own song at karaoke I would probably scream out “Hey Jon!!” and we would be facebook friends. And I would “poke” him.

Are you guys ready to rock? Now, who wants a ticket to the Damage INC reunion gig?

Donz on the left ( bassist ), Boon at the back ( drums ) and me sitting on the right.

Now, start listening to your Leaders. They know what choices you should make. They say you “Boleh” and it means Boleh. Boleh is Boleh. Tak boleh is Tak Boleh. Just fuxing obey.

(The Leaders are exempt and may “Boleh” or “Tak Boleh” as they wish.)

( Pictures Source: Gvishnu.com )

KUALA TERENGGANU: The roof of the just completed RM300mil Stadium Sultan Mizan Zainal Abidin collapsed early Tuesday.

The stadium was completed in the nick of time for the state to host the Malaysia Games in June last year.

( Source: The Star )

2. I’m sitting on my couch doing a lot of nothing and I can’t stop smelling my armpits. And let me tell you – they smell terrible.

3.  My dog ate it. I don’t have a dog.

4. I accidentally watch porn on iTunes and all my MSN contacts see it.

5. I got sick of hearing myself talking.

The Siamese fighting fish (Betta splendens), also known as the “beta fish” or just “betta”, is one of the most popular species of freshwater aquarium fish. It is native to the rice paddies of Thailand and Cambodia and called pla-kad or trey krem (“Fighting Fish”) in its native [Khmer/Thai].

The Betta fish is a relatively inexpensive way to enter the aquatic species ownership realm. Because these fish are descendants of the wild betta fish which live in oxygen-poor environments, Siamese fighting fish are capable of living in smaller containers than most aquarium fish, without the filters and aerators that other aquarium fish require. The name Betta (or betta) is pronounced /’b?t?/.[1] The name Betta is not to be confused with the Greek letter beta. Instead, the name of the genus is derived from ikan bettah, taken from a local dialect of Thailand. ( Source: Wikipedia ).

I`m sure we all have vivid recollections of when we were young, I know I do, About the happenings and people around me then , who colored my early years, like a painter with his brush. Some of my fondest memories are of being child. When I was young I spent hours with my cousins playing hide and seek, run around the neighborhood and our all time favorite, the fighting fish. I think I have more than 10 of em and it was fun to see them kicking each other’s ass. My cousin used to have this fat ass but one hell of a kick ass fighting fish. We named him “Rambo”. That fish dominated our fighting fish WWE arena. Sometimes neighbor kids would join and our fishes kicked their ass most of the time and those kids would run back home crying, and we laughed.

We were good kids.

Back in those days, the Thursday pasar malam outside my house used to have this fish stall where the old lady sells almost every kind of water creatures. This is where we choose our warrior. And you know how they fight? Put two of them into the same tank, you’ll get a battle royal. We just scooped them out of their bottles and carefully put into a large tall jar. Coming face to face, the opponents are transformed into wonderfully beautiful creatures, their colour deepening their gills quivering and widening, their fins and tails spreading out and assuming a warm glow. Every part of the body becomes vibrant. They lose no time in getting at each other, biting fiercely and cruelly. With mouths locked ( like French kiss ) for minutes or sometimes even hours, they fit up and down the water in the bottle manoeuvring for positions. Parts of gills, fins, tailsmortal combat, the enthusiasts would bet basing their culculations on the amount and severity of the injury inflicted and received by both sides. They rarely fight to the death, but it may take many weeks for the fins to re-grow and the fish to completely heal.

Damn, I really miss those days. Now, who wants a fight? Beat me and you’ll be rewarded two eggs and one sausage.

I did not.

I responded with an incredulous look, kicking at the ground and end up saying, “Because asshole Donz told me to” which is pretty much the truth why I started all these crap. Then she asked me, since I am Wise And All Knowing like Wikipedia, asked me to give her some advice about it, so I did.

When starting a blog, there are several important things to keep in mind. For example, you might wanna give away some freebies like porn. Give away free porns and if your readers don’t like porn then, well, I don’t know what to tell them except I heard porn is fun ( heard it from a friend).

Secondly, write about things that are funny.  Like boobs.  That are funny-looking.

Next, if you look at the whole damn thing here, if you are handsome or pretty, just post up some of your photos and people still read and vote regardless of how lame is your post. You could just post 254 photos and write one line of “Hi”. It works like a charm.

Don’t worry if no one reads your blog aside from your dog and your sister, it takes time to build an audience.  And really, chances are your sister is lying and your dog just reads it because she feels bad for you, so just be patient.

I know. I’ve been suxing at the blog game. I’ve been drunk distracted. Let’s not dwell on it shall we?

There are some good fucking shows out there.

I don’t really watch TV and the only time I turn on my TV is because of live football matches. I know what you’re thinking. My life is fuxing lame.

Anyway, AXN… yeah, first it was CSI. An awesome show. A show about forensic investigators. Then it was SlamBall. No not comedy show. I’m not exactly updated bout basketball but I was shocked to see how bad things have gotten on the basketball landscape. Basketball is all about good exercise, good air and homeless drunk people playing with you. Its all good times.  SlamBall is like basketball but not exactly basketball. And before you think these are all black guys, they’re not. They definitely have a good mix of trash talking fools. White guys included.

Slamball is full-contact basketball, with trampolines. Points are scored by playing the ball through the net, as in basketball, though the point-scoring rules are modified. The main differences from the parent sport is the court; below the padded basketball rim and backboard are four trampolines set into the floor which serve to launch players to great heights for slam dunks. The rules also permit some physical contact between the members of the four-player teams ( source: Wikipedia ).

Apparently, the ideal way of playing SlamBall is to jump on the fuxing trampoline and dunk the shit out of it. This was particularly evident in the show when one of the player tried so hard to jump on the trampoline that I was afraid he was going to bang his own head before the paramedics could administer the appropriate anti-seizure medications. I was further disconcerted by the fact that the manager standing on the sideline was wearing a suit and looked exactly like ice cream seller.

Well I’m not sure what SlamBall it’s all about but now it looks like it’s about some kid that’s about to get his ball slammed up and Michael Jackson either wants him to take his pants off or is telling him to leave before it happens.

OK back to the important stuff. Like sex and weed. Just kidding.

You know who I feel bad for?

Mario Bros.

He looks happy but let me tell you, he is not. Mario used to be cool and he is every woman’s fantasy. He is a plumber you see so he is handy around the house, he is willing to get in a fight to protect your honor no matter how big or fire-breathing the other guy is AND he has a mustache.

Sexy.

I think Mario is the only hero who is willing to spend 43 hours going through nine levels of walking mushrooms, flying turtles and a goddamn fire breathing lizard thing with spikes just to save a bloody ugly looking princess.

Can you imagine?

Poor guy. Maybe I’ll send him some PlayBoy to brighten his day.

I’m sorry for ruining your figure.

If you didn’t have me you could have probably been a super model, but models are overrated anyway.

Thank you for choosing to be a mother.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Look, I don’t want to scare the shit out of you guys or anything, but apparently we’ve only got like three years to live. According to End World 2012 a website that I fell asleep reading the other day, the year 2012 which is not too far away from now is the day we all gonna get a candy from mother earth.

It sux.

UNLESS  a hero were to rise. A handsomely old and skinny kinda hero. Perhaps one who has a blog.  A hero like that could show up with a bunch of ideas about how to save the world, then maybe, just maybe, we could make it to 2013 unscathed.

Read this and this. Make sure you read the comments as well.

Done? Now read the conversation below.

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e r i m i n says:
so karaoke tonite?

Tsiu Weng says:
season not over
mathematically still can win EPL

e r i m i n says:
mathematically ITS FUXING OVER
MU played 34 games with 80points now!

Tsiu Weng says:
Obviously u did not attend your maths classes

e r i m i n says:
and assanal played 35 games with 68points!
assanal only have 3 games in hand
which total up to 9 points max
so its 68 + 9 = 77
THERE IS NO FUXING WAY YOU CAN WIN THE EPL EVEN IF THEY LOSE ALL THE REMAINING MATCHES AND ASSANAL WIN ALL!

OBVIOUSLY YOU DID NOT ATTEND YOUR MATHS CLASSES

OK that’s not entirely true.

I’m excited because I get to do my favorite thing – gorge myself on a variety of dead animals, unhealthy and high cholesterol FREE food. And then we’ll just bitch at each other and eat ourselves into oblivion. Those meetings are something of a bummer most of the time.

Anyway, I remember one time we were all hanging out in the living room. My parents, my grandparents, my uncles, my aunties and my cousins, everyone was there. And all of a sudden my Dad started to play this James Bond movie on the video player. You guys know James Bond rite? Yah that secret agent who always got the chance to hit on hot chicks. Not fair.

He’s such an asshole.

Anyone who has seen James Bond knows its a bit of action and talking in the first half, then slowly dips into softcore makeout scene. I couldn’t remember which James Bond title but there was this scene where James Bond was making out with this Russian chick in the bath room. Missionary position but standing up.

Can you guys imagine this? We were all watching James Bond doing that Russian chick. I took complete advantage of it and I couldn’t believe it, “Hey Mum, we are watching porn together!”. I know, I know, I am supposed to love my family and be thankful for them and all that shit. Well, nobody expected it and that left us all in akward situation.

I would love to have another family gathering.

1)  The feeling of getting hit THERE. Yah THERE as in THERE you know.  THERE as in the guy’s part. It’s like getting your boobs thwacked by the mighty hand of Zeus. He thwacks hard, for real. Also it feels like eating a hamburger the size of a basketball.

2) The feeling when your favourite football team loses. They only know Beckham. Or maybe Ronaldo.

Girls, don’t complain. True facts.

The reason I always dug this illogical cliche was that I couldn’t help but ask myself about vampires. Do they really exist? Now, anybody who’s seen a vampire movie in the last hundred years or so knows there’s a formula to this and contrary to popular belief, when a vampire bites you, you turn into a vampire. Rite? From my intensive research, which involved Googling for five minutes straight, I’ve discovered that the vampire virus is transferred by blood.

But here is the thing.

Let’s say you’re friends with Wesley Snipe AKA Blade and while drinking with him at a bar one night, he tells you that he has to go to the bathroom. So you sit back, relax and begin to watch Liverpool match on the TV above the bar. Then a hot chick approaches you and the moment you start talking with her, there is a loud crash near the front door of the bar, and in walks a handsome vampire.  He is obviously drunk, he stumbles over to you and he thinks you are hitting on his girlfriend ( which is the girl you are talking to ) when the truth is  she actually came up to you and asked where you got your hair cut, because, lets face it – your hair cut is pretty cool.

So you get into a fight with the vampire and obviously he knocks you down easily. He is a vampire and as far as I am concern, vampire has super strength. Wesley Snipe AKA Blade who has been in the bathroom for quite sometime now because of diarrhea, suddenly jumps out from no where and slices the vampire into 18 pieces with his silver sword.You then try to act hero and get your last revenge by stucking in some garlics into the vampire’s ass. You keep poking his ass until you realize you get some of his blood into an open wound on your finger.

Siao liao la.

Do you turn into a vampire?

And what if you French kissed that dude’s girlfriend? Does it spread through saliva?

Pretty tough questions huh, hey what say if we walk around town, throw some rocks at vampires, then spend the next week trying to figure this out?

I’ll only go if there is a bazooka.

That was a lie.

Sometimes blogging is like a job. A job where you don’t know anyone watching you and where people call you asshole and sometimes women profess their love for you and send you naked pics which you then print out in poster size that you put on the back of your bedroom door so you can see it when you are in bed, maybe with your pants off.

I spent few years writing here and I think I only started writing intensively since 6 months ago. I am not popular but at least less than 5 people are reading my blog, so that gives me as many fans as Nirvana right?

Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go smell my arm pits and I’ll be back next Monday.

p/s: thanks to all who voted and a big hug ( only ladies ) to those who emailed, MSNed, Facebook, whatever, asking me to continue. Appreciate it.

So, in an effort to clear things up, I’m going to sit this one out if that’s okay with all of you. I’m sure the anarchists who want me to quit will be pissed that such an opportunity for utter horror is being side-stepped, but they can just deal with it. Those guys are assholes.

Phewwwww, I’m gonna take this off my chest. Should I continue this blog? Please vote and your comments would really help me to decide. And unless of course Rafa Benitez demands that I continue to blog and write about my plan for Liverpool, then I’ll definitely continue. As for now, I’m going to take the week off and see what happens during my time away. From there I’ll decide the fate of Open Up And Say AAaaahhhhh.

Take good care everybody. Peace. Love. Empathy.

2. I am a big liverpool fan.

3. I used to play guitar and sing in a rock band.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. I believe Karma is a bitch.

6. I believe smoking weed actually improves your driving abilities.

7. I have no tolerance for neck-tattooed sweaty guys who smell like 35 years of living in basements, bongwater spills and failure.

8. I have a voice that brushes against your skin like a stripper covered in velvet.

9. I have not been able to answer, “What does a woman want?”.

10. My Mandarin sux donkey balls.

11. I’ve always wanted to create an army of monkeys bent on global domination and I am sure I am not the only one.

12. Everyday I got an email from this rich Nigerian dude who tried to give me 25 million dollars.

13. I only know how to speak Hokkien when I was in Form1.

14. I am a Leo.

15. Queen “We Are The Champion” is my default ringtone.

16. I have a ridiculously large collection of offensive T-shirts.

17. I would love to manage Liverpool one day.

18. I lost my virginity at 16.

19. I haven’t had sex since.

20. Just kidding about #19.

It’s income tax time again people, time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. Damm, my hard earned money.

However, I don’t want to, you know, pay for the software. You know lah, expensive lah. Sooooooo…….if anyone have any idea or might happen to stumble across a free download of the aforementioned software, please let me know. I will reward you with chicken rice and one fried egg.

And it would also be nice if the free download you provide me won’t melt my computer with viruses, sexually transmitted diseases, I don’t wanna get another email from some Nigeria dude again.

Thanks for your help and I promise you I will create the finest piece of Photoshopped art ever created and it should be hung, at minimum, in a very sad, very dark bar.

Of course I’m kidding about that last part, I should write an awesome review and get paid for it so I don’t have to sell the soul of my first child for gas money.

Juliet ( the owner of Hana Closet ), as you may not know, is a woman, and beside nagging, women love fashion. Of course being a woman is awesome but it’s not easy, you know, the once a month thingie. But what really difficult being a woman is shopping. Shopping costs them a serious fortune, unless you are some filthy rich woman then you won’t have much complain about budget.

This is where Hana Closet kicks in. The minute you browse to Hana Closet, you will be greeted by a woman in red underwear, standing in the bedroom door with a smile on her face and a bottle of BBQ sauce in her hand.

Dream on suxer.

Hana Closet is an online boutique shop. They sell shirts, pants, dresses, bags, tops, skirts and lots more. You know the usual women stuff. It is a very simple online boutique shop and some of the products are pretty astonishing. The pictures are brilliant and the model is not-so-hot, well not too bad – they should’ve hire Angelina Jolie instead. Hana Closet made some curious decisions throughout the assembly of this project, but that works to her advantage as often as it detracts from the larger experience. So, I think Hana closet is pretty good. Under any halfway normal circumstance, I would give it an A.

So click here now and visit Hana Closet.

I was talking to a friend on the phone when we started talking about why Google would have all of these different pages for different countries, and we couldn’t think of why. So, my friend decides to try a search result on Google Malaysia and then on Google Singapore just to see if anything was different. He had barely hit enter on the Google Singapore search when suddenly I heard glass breaking and what sounded like helicopters over the phone. My friend screamed, and the line went dead. No one has heard from him since.

I tried to do some investigating of my own, and hit Google Bangladesh from an Internet cafe. Luckily, when the Google operatives burst through the front windows and started shooting the place up, I was able to escape through the back door. They were able to follow me with Google Earth, but I managed to give them the slip when I accidentally fell through an open manhole.

I’ve been living in the sewers under the city ever since that day. I haven’t dared try to contact anyone, for fear Google would find me. This is the first time I’ve even dared to try to connect to the internet and I can’t stay long.

Wait, I hear footsteps…

Oh shit, they’re here! WARN THE OTHERS!!

I think I just cracked a stupid lame April’s Fool joke.