Dear The Taukeh at Jack Daniels,
My name is Marcus and I am writing to inform you of a special, once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Because today is my birthday, every year on my birthday myself and a collection of the finest individuals on the planet perform drinking your whiskey at a local establishment. It was during this time that I realized I have Talent Of Getting Really Drunk. As a label that has produced some of my drunk sessions, I wanted to offer you the chance to be the first to witness my genius, and therefore sign me to a multi-year, multi-million dollar ambassador deal. I feel I possess all the attributes of any Fantastic Drunk Ambassador, and have provided photograpic evidence and my talents below.
For your information, this is definitely not me ( in case you are curious ) but pretty close. I remember when me and Jack were pals. We’d hang out on birthdays and he would give me a good time. Let’s go down the list.
1) There were no survivors in every birthday celebration.
2) On my 21st birthday, being the passageway into legalized alcoholism, I did a grand Flaming Lamborghini session climbing on top of the bar and slept for the next 3 days after that nite.
3) I strongly believe that birthday + drinking = the greatest night in the history of the universe. OK, that may have been a little much since the Universe has like 4 or 5 planets or something, but anyways it is great to drink on your birthday and most of the time before I go party I don’t eat much. My mom always says, “When you don’t eat, you get drunk.” What a fuxing terrible slogan. I’ll be putting it on t-shirts.
4) I can even be part of a sexy boy band as long as I am the lead singer who everyone likes. I have the ability to sing when I consumed so much alcohol I can’t even see straight, which is critical to all Rock Stars.
As you can see, my resume is fantastically awesome and I am going to be fuxing successful. This is your first and last chance Taukeh. Sign me or regret it for the rest of your life. As for starting, I demand a Ferrari, a 39 storey bungalow, 2 million in cash, a life time supply of Jack Daniels and a virgin for my signing fee.
Yours Sincerely,
Marcus