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When You Are A Kid, You Look Like Incredible Hulk

October 16th, 2009

kinder

It’s kindergarten graduation photo day and look at what the fux my teacher dressed me up in. I look so stupid.

A red graduation robe? A red hat that looks like a 6 year old Italian Mafia? Just fuxing awesome. Even I want to beat myself up. My mum says it looks cute. I don’t think so, I look like a fuxing Mickey Mouse who got kicked out of Disneyland. This is the photo that will immortalize me as a kindergarten graduate forever. The day upon which generations of my descendants will look back and judge my legacy. And this is what I look like? A fuxing Mickey Mouse.

I wonder who came up with the idea of wearing RED color robe, why not black or yellow? Color racist. I wanted to wear my Superman T-shirt, but I think they are sensitive and I ended up wearing something that looks like a Guess catalog reject. I’m supposed to look cool and awesome, something that makes girls go crazy, like Keanu Reeves. It should be disheveled, untamed, and project an image of masculinity and playfulness. Just look at the fuxing tie and my freakishly large forehead. You could land a Boeing 777 on my forehead. Either way, I think we can all agree that this is the finest piece of photo ever taken and it should be hung, at minimum, in a very sad, very dark bar.

Now, this disaster of a school photo is not completely your fault. I must take some of the blame for looking like a retarded blue Muppet.

My pose? Not my best work. I don’t know why my head is tilted like that, it doesn’t even look natural. And what am I doing with my hands? What am I, a dainty lady drinking her cup of tea? Why don’t I just go play with my sister’s Barbie dolls and get the whole thing over with?

I also look like I’m eye-fucking the photographer with that baby-tooth smile. And I don’t even know what eye-fucking means but I know it when I see it.

You know what else? My shirt is…wait, is that Sarah over there? Oh my God, she’s so pretty. She makes me feel funny, like I need to vomit and run away at the same time.

Oh shit, she’s coming over here. She’s going to see my photo and then she’ll never be my girlfriend. I better get the hell out of here, go play in the sandbox or…

Hey, Sarah! What’s up? What? This? Oh, it’s nothing, just my school photo. Do you like it?

No, I wouldn’t say I’m pretty. No, I don’t want to play hopscotch with the other girls. Listen, it’s not my fault, my mom made me…

Oh, you’re leaving? All right, bye, good luck with your photo. Listen, if you’re not too busy at recess next week, I thought maybe we could grab some fruit punch and…

Oh, you’re sharing a fruit roll-up with Johnny that day? I understand. Yeah, he’s cool, I guess. OK, see you in drawing class. Hope you stay between the lines!

Stay between the lines? THAT’S the best I could come up with? I am such a dumbshit.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m already 5-years-old and I can’t even talk to girls.

God, I can’t wait to grow up. Then Sarah will marry me.

I bet life is sooooo much easier when you’re old. My cousin Santiago is like 7 and I bet he gets so much tail. I’m going to have a mansion and a Porsche and be an astronaut cop and fight evil monkeys with my jet pack.

But before that happens, I better make sure I destroy every one of these photos. Who knows what could happen if even one survives by the time I’m 33?

Man, that is soooo old!

My pose is not the best but that is the standard pose according to the photographer. I have no fuxing clue why I have to pose like that holding that piece of cert. You can see that I am not very happy, I am not even smiling. And I am not happy with my hair…wait a minute, is that Mei Mei over there? Dude, she’s so hot. She looks like Angelina Jolie. Oh shit, she’s coming over here. She’s going to see me wearing that lame red robe and then she’ll never be my girlfriend. I better get the fux out of here, hide in the toilet or go play with the sand or…

Hey, Mei Mei! What’s up? What? This? What am I doing? This red thing? Oh, it’s nothing, just ermmm taking my kindergarten graduation photo. What do you think? Cool?

What? My hair? My pose? No, yah the forehead, yah I know but hey…..

Oh, you’re leaving? All right, well hmmm… if you’re not too busy at recess later, I thought maybe we could grab some keropok udang or milk and then…

Oh, you’re eating with Michael later? Ohh ok, that’s cool. I see you in drawing class then.

See you in drawing class? I am such a moron. I’m already 5 year old and I can’t even talk to chicks.

God, I can’t wait to grow up. Then Mei Mei will marry me.

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