Open Up And Say AAaaahhhhh

The preceding predictions may contain hyperbole and derision, substances which the Hospital Kampung Jagung has determined can cause cancer and advanced stages of whining. By reading this post, you agree to the following:

a) you are opting in to reading it, you agree not to hold the writer responsible for your personal wretchedness,

b) you agree not to take the writer literally, and/or post responses implying the below predictions were in any way serious (unless you are a television producer, and are willing to pay me lots of money to produce this as a prime-time Horoscope / Feng Shui event),

c) and most importantly, you agree not to sue the writer in an attempt to pay off the credit cards you maxed out a couple years ago. Plus, I have no money, so suing me won’t do you a damn bit of good anyway.

Aries

The dark star is surrounding you today, shits might happen. If you run into an accident and even if you have insurance premium of 10k a month, DO NOT go to a  Government run hospital.  You will have to wait in line for 4months to register and 6 months to get treatment. It is more effective to pray to Jesus to heal your wounds.

Taurus

You have been working very very hard. It’s time to get some rest and you might consider throwing a party BUT cleaning up afterward might be a bitch.

Gemini

The stars are telling me that you will fall in love with someone’s name starts with “A”. I suggest checking out the local cemetery. And make sure you go at nite. Start stocking up on torch light, hell’s money, candles and simple weapons like needle. Prepare for the worst. If you see anyone acting weird, ask if his / her name starts with “A”, if not then start poking him / her with the needle.

Cancer

You will be a hero today. You will cure cancer, stop a bullet with your nose and go all Bruce Lee on a roomful of terrorists. Everyone will be so grateful that they’ll cry real tears. Your lucky number is 7634+234-532/56735×9.343. Good luck.

Leo

The odds are in your favor today. Try conquer the world. You share the same horoscope with me. Congratulation!

Virgo

Stop acting like you are a virgin and stop wearing that black dress of yours like you are all dressed up to lose your virginity. I said this many times before, losing your virginity is like opening a bottle of Kickapoo. It took me lightyears to explain that to someone.

Libra

A while back, you decided that you might be able to get some beer and smokes money by placing Google ads on your blog. The fact that you’ve only made something like a buck and change, due to the fact that nobody gives a damn about your abject poverty and only recently you discovered this, before you were living happily in Barbieland playing with your Disney ponies. The wakeup call was simply too hard. Love Forecast: There is a slim possibility (but one nonetheless) that you could meet your soul mate today. The planets are in a position of self-reflection. Therefore, if you meet this soul mate you’ll immediately recognize him or her as part of you. You’ll fit together like hand and glove. A good day to lose your virginity in the car.

Yeah, I know everything bout scorpion and I’ve seen the Scorpion King movie. If you haven’t guessed by now, I am sort of fixated on that movie. Regardless of the fact that the movie fuxed my shit up all week long, and freaked me right the hell out in front of a bunch of cats, I still don’t mind banging Kelly Hu. Ohh anyway, back to your horoscope. The weather is pretty hot, go get yourself some soft drinks or you’ll sweat like a chimpanzee.

Some shit will probably happen to you today. You will eat, shit, watch some TV and sleep. You will login to Facebook, hitlist some ass in MobWars. Plant some shits in Farmville. Cook some maggie mee in Cafe World and a meteor will hit your house.

Godzilla will attack your town tomorrow. You’ll try to run but you’ll find that big ass Godzilla is just too good and you’ll decide to take your chances with the Godzilla. You’ll pay for this decision with your left testicle.

Cows are spherical, as every Pisces knows. Excuse me while I smoke another bowl.