Somewhere, a car door is slammed with a little more anger than usual. Today, the first week after new year is the day when everyone ventures back into the office and stares at their computer with hatred.

Today, in KL, Jordi is going to share his new year eve experience with his colleagues about his new year guests who started the midnight countdown at 10,000.

In Johor, Julian just realized he’s at a bad New Year’s Eve Party, it’s January 5th.

In Kuching, Thomas heard a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom.

And in Klang, my hair is still falling out and I am still unable to do simple math without using my fingers.

Everywhere across our country, our people are sad, angry and depressed and they have every right to be. Welcome back my friends.

p/s: To those who SMSed me wishing me dreams come true, good health, good fortune, wishing me all the best for 2010, God bless me, new wealth, new strength, new hopes, prosperous 2010 and shits like that, thank you very much. But I shit you not with all these, I wish you fux more, lotsa beers, sex, orgasms and win the fuxing jackpot.

p/p/s: There is no winner for my New Year Mini-CONtest, it was meant to be a con. I will keep all these 10 virgin turtles safely in the aquarium till next year.

Today is New Year eve and tomorrow is New Year, thus I give you this, for the first time, a mini-contest.

Referring to the below picture, come up with your best title. For example, “The Incredible Giraffe”.

Winners will be rewarded with one year supply of virgin turtles.

Happy New Year people, hope you enjoy your New Year Eve  and New Year, get drunk and get laid.

Listen, I realize ladies shouldn’t talk about their bathroom business, but I have a serious confession to make.

I have sinus.

Yah no big deal. I always get running nose when the weather changes or smell something bad.

Like donkey.

It’s a fuxing curse. Consider yourself a lucky son of a bitch if you never get sinus. So naturally I don’t think anything when my nose starts running, I just kind of deal with it like I always have.

My Dad has sinus too and he went for an operation before but it came back after few years. So I guess Mr. Sinus is pretty nasty. Life isn’t always beautiful and joyful, every now and again you are bound to get sick and there’s nothing you can do about it.

I’m sure even Jay Chou gets sick and he won’t even sign autograph for you.

But when I’m sick, I do get a bit fussy. I can be pretty short with people when I have running nose, so if you need to ask me for money, wait until my white blood cells have won the war- that way I can think of some lame excuse instead of hitting you.

I’m not afraid of much but when I was small, there is one thing that scares the shit out of me everytime I think about it. I know that it’s something I will probably have to face in about 15 or 20 years and I am hoping by that time, I will have accepted it. You know what I am talking about.

Dentist.

When was the last time you went to the dentist?

Personally, I have not seen this dude for almost 20 years. No shit. I think I’m the only person I know who hasn’t been to the dentist for decades. I remember when I was small, going to the dentist is like a nitemare. It was so fuxing painful. All the pain, the blood and biting on some bandage for days. Let’s just say it sux.

I am not afraid of dentist but I think I have a pretty OK teeth so that explains the long absence UNTIL recently I found 2 small cavities on my front teeth. It looks so fuxing ugly. I know I have to get it fixed no matter what.

So I went to the dentist after so long and I gotta admit there have been a massive improvements in dentistry over the years. I don’t feel pain at all. I’ve even joked about it with my doctor “I thought this is supposed to be painful? Look! I’m not crying!” as he was fixing my teeth with some forks and spoons. The most notable moment would be when his assistant plugged in 2 special devices into my mouth. One looks like a cucumber which she uses it to spray water and the other one looks like a vacuum cleaner. I have to open my mouth so wide like I was blowing 2 black cocks at the same time. Awful.

Can’t scientists come up with a non-invasive way of doing this? Like a super glue or something fun and simple like that? Now I already know what girls are going to start thinking here. That I am overly paranoid about this. That I shouldn’t be whining because they have to get their cookies examined every year. Listen up girls, I’m going to see the dentist again! First week of January!

Now tell me, who’s your daddy?!

Hey Santa! I am so excited now, tomorrow is Christmas!

So what’s up Santa? Have not seen you for a year, things must be tough. Anyway, just a quick update, I wanted to let you know that I have been a very good boy this year. I didn’t look at any boobie pictures, stopped touching myself and I helped those who are in need. Some king just died and his cousin needed my help and promised to repay me half a million dollars for my bank account information, which I sent of course, because I’m not an idiot. But just how the hell am I supposed to contact him now?

I heard he’s in Nigeria.

Well Santa, I must say I was very disappointed last Christmas. Dude, I was hoping for a million dollar and a naked Angelina Jolie but I ended up with some cards and weird pills. But no worries dude, last year has been pretty good from the point of view of having people to bounce things off and just as importantly have fun with. As a consequence I have been thinking about this very new Christmas wish.

1. I still want a naked Angelina Jolie

2. and my one fuxing million dollar, IN CASH! UK POUND!

3. I can’t figure out what I wanna buy now. All you have to do is email me your name and credit card info. I’ll figure out from there.

4. I heard Facebook is cool but how does it interact with Japanese schoolgirls? Send me a manual please or I’ll poke you in Facebook! 300 times!

5. A new Michael Jackson song.

6. A one-on-one dead match cage fight with Bruce Lee. I’ll show him who’s the daddy.

7. My fart smells like Hugo Boss perfume.

8. World peace – Jay Chou stops singing like a chicken.

9. Forrest Gump 2

10. I wish I could write funny blog, make everyone laugh and love it. Not in a gay way.

So there you go Santa, that pretty much summarises my Christmas wish for now. See ya tomorrow, peace out.

Have you seen the movie Storm Riders 2? Me and my friends have been bitching bout this movie the whole week and if you have seen this movie, there is this character known as Lord Wicked ( refer to image below ).

Some brief introduction bout this dude, “Lord Wicked is the eldest disciple of the King of Knives and the Piggy King. He is a reclusive and renowned martial arts master who broke his arms in order to relieve himself from evil power. Wind and Cloud seek his help to improve their skills”.

So you see, he is not a very nice guy. But one question comes to our mind.

“How he wiped his shit?”.

No offence to handicap people, but this dude has no hands so how is he gonna wipe his shit after taking a dump?

I am confused.

What can I say about this movie. It looks like a very special continual episode of Storm Rider 1 where Wind and Cloud combine together and everyone kung-fu fights to a nasty ruler. If you haven’t watch this movie, let me tell you what it is all about.

1) The story line is completely fuxed up ( Storm Rider 1 is so much better ).

2) The director tries to make it looks like the movie “300″ but failed miserably. Conclusion: I don’t technically know the director but I think he is generally a nifty person who drinks many beers.

3) Too many computer graphics and no original fighting scene.

4) The acting sux to the max. Look at Charlene Choi, she looks like she’s auditioning for a porn movie.

5) The whole show is about Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok posing, seriously. Yes, this is a gay pose story and this is definitely a must watch for all Ekin Cheng and Aaron Kwok.

If you haven’t seen this movie, do yourself a favor, go watch Rocket Singh and fux Storm Riders2. A good laugh is always needed in these troubled times.

Facebook status:

Marcus Teng: feels sorry for AssAnal & Arsene Wanker, YNWA!!

Carlos Ng: lol.. im sorry for LeaveA-Puss too. hehe ^^

Marcus Teng: it doesn’t rhyme man, check this out …AssAnal and Arsene Wanker

Jordi ???: I felt sorry for all MAN UTD fan also…..

<Sensitive Fan>:  i feel sorry for liverFOOL as the foolish fan too

Jordi ???: wow, that hurt….

<Sensitive Fan>: it’s been several times i saw his post talk about ARSENAL. can he spell it right???

Marcus Teng: u mean ASSANAL and ARSENE WANKER?

<Sensitive Fan>: WHAT EVA…..

Marcus Teng: man, there are really some sensitive football fans out there.

Jordi ???: arsenal , assenal or assanal , its the same… You can’t win the league with kids… : P

<Sensitive Fan>: yeah, what about liverfool, fool, foolish and carlos was right, LeaveA-Puss

Jordi ???: I love the fools…. they will win the league next year (as quote every season)

Marcus Teng: 18 League Titles,5 European Cups,7 FA Cups,7 League Cups,3 UEFA Cups,3 European Super Cups,15 Charity Shields,3 FA Youth Cups.

To AssAnal Fans: start talking when you can win SOMETHING, or at least lay your hand on the Holy Grail.

Jordi ???: Ouch! that sting!!!!

<Sensitive Fan>: may i ask you something, which team is AssAnal??? is it in the league???

Marcus Teng: well anyway, actually this post was intended for some really CLOSE FRIENDS who are arsenal fans, it didnt mean to be a sensitive post. I think all my friends got it, this is just a usual teasing-around whenever our favourite team play against each other.

Marcus Teng: mat kelakar la ini budak, terus remove friend lol. dont play with assanal fans.

And he removed me after that, conclusion is “Don’t Mess With Sensitive Football fans”.

Hey people! Zzup…I’m hypnotyzin’ dese clowns wen dey see me 20 ft abve da ground, And u in a coma, ain’t comin up out dat, cuz nigga diz iz C-town.

Yeah, okay, I have no idea what the fux I just said up there, I think it’s some kinda rap lyric. Seriously. Anyway, I’m going out of town tomorrow to somewhere not too far far away from the galaxy. Look at the picture below, and if you could figure out where and what are those cats doing, drop me a mail and I’ll buy you a cat beer there.

I was going to tell you all about the computer shop visit I had yesterday with my cheap modem who got struck by lightning and how I paid 100 bucks for another stupid modem. What a fuxing rip off. Unless my friend’s dog shits 100 carat diamond for the next two weekends that was totally not worth it.

But then I thought, dude, I got better stuff to write on that meme that everyone and their mother and their mother’s best friend’s sister-in-law has been complaining. So you see, I like the people I work with and I kinda like my job. It pays pretty good. I am also very good at what I do. Doing presentation is part of my job and sometimes I meet funny people during my presentation.

I was doing a presentation for a group of ten professionals, ranking from High Level Management people to managers. Normally I’ll start off with getting to know the people there, understand my audience and crack up some jokes before going into my formal presentation. Half way doing the presentation, a cool dude sitting in front of me needed to catch a quick eye-shut during my presentation. I have no problem with “taking a nap”, he probably ate 20 Ramly burgers the nite before, so I’m cool with it. But the problem is, snoring is not “taking a nap” anymore and it’s not cool. It’s not those normal snoring, it’s like Jay Chow singing Metallica Enter Sandman that kinda snore. The dude sitting beside him tried to wake him up but unfortunately, it only made him snore even louder.

Out of nowhere and all of a sudden, the sleeping dude woke up and he realized shits happened. To avoid embarrassment, I continued by asking one of the executive some simple question when everyone was looking at that cool dude.

Everyone was laughing but it all went cool. I think the next time I do presentation, I’m gonna bring a bottle of Jack Daniels. Drunk people don’t fall asleep.

Some things have been put on this planet to help us live ( food, water and oxygen ), some things have been put on this planet to help us happy ( like boobs and weeds ) and some things have been put on this planet to make us unhappy ( Jay Chow ). But there is one thing that has been put on this planet to make it a better place. Yes, I am talking about Transformers.

Talking about Transformers, I have this fantasy where…well, that’s private, but it involves my girlfriend/wife singing the theme to Transformers and wearing the “special suit” I made for her. I got the plans from this guy.

Well anyway, I’ve seen both Transformers 1 and Transformers 2 movie in the cinema and recently I bought the DVD ( pirated one ) and after spending 268 minutes and RM13, I must say the movie still fuxing rox. TRANSFORMERS FUXING ROX! Now let us all stand up and say it together, loud, TRANSFORMERS FUXING ROX! You may be seated now, thank you.

I was watching it with few other humans ( like my Mum and Dad ) and half way watching it, I couldn’t talk in human language. After hearing all the sound effects, I couldn’t answer my calls and talk to human effectively. I could only make the Transformers sound ( *chek chek chek chek* ) when they transform and the only thing in my mind was “AutoBots! Roll out!”. Half way through the movie, my old man left abruptly and my guess was all the sound effects must have triggered a flashback of me crying when I was a baby.

What you haven’t seen this movie? Seriously, do yourself a small favor. This movie is fan-fuxing-tastic, you don’t wanna miss it. It was one of my ambition to be a Transformers. I mean what else do you want from a movie? Robots pounding on each other’s ass, cool sound effects, nice wheels and Megan Fox!

After watching this movie, I dare to say it has definitely increased my muscles and penis size. And I think one of my friends grew a beard and had hair in places never had before. This movie is so manly and cool. I think I know what to do next Valentine, I am gonna create a heartfelt Valentine card that really expressed my true feelings but also have pictures on them of the Transformers holding big, cartoon hearts.

How sweet.

Last weekend I attended my primary school reunion. Not like the Led Zeppelin reunion, but more of the reunion where you see your primary school mates after a long time. Only in this reunion they got fatter, more wrinkles, lost some hair and have 27 kids. There was a lot of my old peers I haven’t seen since my Ultraman T-shirt, Reebok shoes, Superman undie, Thundercat guzzling days. I haven’t had contact with these people for almost 20 years.

I was excited about this reunion and the day before I reacted to this reunion by selecting the finest hair gel and clothes to wear. I even sobbed loudly while giving myself a cow’s bath and pooped all over everything in the bathroom and I even thought of sacrificing a unicorn to celebrate this reunion but then come to think about it, I might end up in jail and I won’t be able to make it to the reunion.

The reunion was cool, I was  making awkward conversation in a decorated Station1 with people I love who are wildly more successful than myself, I thought I’d do everything I can to make the whole experience a little more palatable. We were catching up on things like “Are you married?”, “How many kids do you have?”, “Where are you working now?”, you know the boring standard stuff.

If only I get to organize the next reunion, I will throw a superbly awesome drunk reunion party. I think that can be accomplished using my cunning, my guile, and my skinny ass in tight blue Levis jeans. The ladies love that. I mean seriously, who wants a boring reunion rite? You know what I’m gonna do?

1) The title or theme for the reunion is very very important. Names like “Primary School Reunion & Getting Drunk Party”, “Awesome Reunion Class Of 92 – Except For The Dude Who Sat Beside Me”, “Slapping The Class Monitor Reunion Party” will definitely attract crowds.

2) Throw a 90′s party. We’ll have musics all the way dated back from the 90′s and people will be dancing like John Travolta’s Saturday Night Fever. If this idea of mine goes over well, I promise you this – I will knock down the popular handsome kids and step on their necks. Revenge will taste so sweet.

3) Midway through the proceedings, a rousing game of “Guess Who Will Die First?” will surely liven things up. The winner should get a prize and the person that’s dying shouldn’t be informed about the game ahead of time because they might not want to play.

4) I can arrange a Poker or Blackjack session. Betting is strongly encouraged. Don’t worry if you do not have enough cash, we accept kids and wives too.

Tell me if this is not gonna be the best reunion.

Sometimes in the natural course of events as I walk on this planet, I will come across something or someone so utterly wrong that it makes me question the basic fundamental truths this life of mine has been built upon. Sometimes people ask me funny questions. For example, “How to kau lui?” ( Translation for those of you who don’t understand Cantonese “How do I get laid?” NOTES: This is Open Up And Say AAaaahhhhh advanced translation ).

For those of you who are looking for the exactly same answer, listen carefully, here’s what you do:

Make Kingkong noises and pound your chest as hard as you can. Loudest pound gets the hottest chick. Remember, DO NOT TALK, just pound your bloody chest. And when a chick walks toward you and starts talking, unzip your pant and pull out your M16 ( if you get what I mean ) and stick into mouth. WARNING: NOT YOUR OWN MOUTH.

That’s all, it’s really that simple.

Have you ever thought about life? Like what the hell are we doing here in planet Earth. If you actually look at the whole process, there are few standard stages we all have to go through during our time here. Well maybe not all of us, but majority of us. Let me wrap it up for you.

Age 0 to 1 year: The day you were born. Nothing much to do seriously. Just make sure you eat, shit and sleep. Oh and irritate the shit out of your parents by crying in the middle of the nite.

Age 1-5 years: Learn to be a human. You will still be doing the same thing ( refer to Age 0 to 1 year ) but at this stage you learn more about humanity such as talking, walking, eating using the appropriate tools, shitting in the right places and etc. This is also the stage where you have to decide which cartoon or superhero you worship as this will influence your fate in the near future. I feel bad for you if you choose Ninja Turtle.

Age 5-12 years: Time to meet new faces and make friends. Your parents would probably dump you in a kindergarten and then primary school. No commitment, no worries. Just bum around, talk to a few and chill. This is also the perfect time to learn throwing ninja stars made of paper and get detention.

Age 12-17 years: Learn about human production. It’s time for your body to develop to bigger size. When a movie comes on the TV and it lists “18SX”, it gets even bigger. You will also get to know more friends and all these are your faithful committed partner in crime for many years to come.

Age 17-21 years: Learn about party. You will explore the benefits of alcohol, weed and partying. Heed my warning: All these stuff take years to master, you think they are harmless and not very strong, and the next thing you know it is an hour later and you are in the bathroom of the bar with your pants off, surrounded by dozen of girls, giving your boxers to a bachelor’s party because one of the girl is cute and told you that you had a nice butt. Be forewarned.

Age 21-30 years: Learn about making money. Time to get a job, make some money BUT stick to alcohol, weed and partying. If you have not lost your virginity by the end of this stage, please find a prostitute or gigolo ( or contact me if you are girl ) or become a monk or commit suicide or whatever.

Age 30-40 years: Learn about settling down. If you are still making 100 bucks per month then I suggest you to work for Starbucks ( I heard they pay pretty good money there ). And if you are married at this early stage, congratulation, you don’t worry about terrorism anymore. Of course you can’t live on goodwill and Jack Daniels alone. You also need poker and hookers.

Age 40 – 60 years: Being at this stage, with the debt and the existential angst and thinning hair, it fuxing sux. It it also time to consider buying Viagra.

Age 60 -70 years: You will convert a simple message using 2 chapters of words and “those were the days” will be your standard script. You know that age has started to sink and long, long gone are the days when you would happily drink until your friends the Incredible Hulk appeared and you would be found dancing on a roof singing Sweet Child O Mine at the top of your lungs.

Age 70-80 years: If you are still alive then it’s about time. Get our ass ready.

Age 80-100 years: Wtf, you are still alive.

100+years: I’m getting bored of you.

Another post about dogs. Everyone loves dogs, they said dogs are mans best friend. I’m not too sure bout it, I thought the penis was a man’s best friend. Anyway, the area I live in is home to a wide variety of domestic and foreign wildlife, for example stray dogs, rats, cockroaches, dragons, leprechauns and unicorns,  including a mad barking dog in my neighbor house that won’t shut up as well as a constant stream of mad people ( they are animals ) yelling in the immediate neighborhood.

After work yesterday I was walking to the grocery store to buy ciggie and I stumbled upon something odd. I turned onto a street that I typically walk down, and noticed that up ahead a woman was standing with her back to me, near a tree. As I got closer I saw a skinny woman with a huge dog, when I say huge, I mean you can probably put some makeup on it and put it into a Lord Of the Rings movie with the Dark Lord riding this thing. I wonder how the fux she walks a dog that fuxing big size when she’s so skinny. I don’t even wanna get near to that dog.

Then I noticed the dog wasn’t friendly. The dog looked at me. Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs but when a dog that looks like a Godzilla on four legs and looks like it wanna charge at you at 160kmph, thats not love anymore. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, I have run from tax, but I don’t think I can outrun this dude. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in Godzilla excrement.

Godzilla started to bark at me. Not very nice. The owner seeing that her dog couldn’t stfu and acting like an asshole called out its name. It was then the dog shut it off and decided a bird was more interesting than me. As I passed by, I gave the lady a look of Just-Don’t-Let-Go-Of-This-Dude.

Gosh, that was the worst shit I had the whole last week. In fact because I wrote that shit in this blog, I’m going to get some weird dogs finding me in dream. I promise I’ll kill them in a fashionable way and if I am pushed, I’ll kill hamsters too. My new motto. Godzilla dog is not handsome.